The Year of the Butterfly

Butterflies have a lot of symbolism that is tied to death and re-birth...it is often a way for us to remember the death and resurrection of Christ, for instance.  One website I was looking at mentioned that butterflies are also a reminder of our own bodily resurrection that is promised in scripture.

source: http://in5d.com/the-esoteric-meaning-of-the-butterfly/  I just really like the picture, not necessarily the content of the website...

As is usual for me, the advent of my birthday makes me (some would say overly) contemplative, and as this coming birthday is the big 4-0, I'm finding myself thinking a lot about this coming year and what I both want and where I want to head.  

Usually, this entails finding a theme verse from the Bible, and maybe making a few goals that I want to work on.  Sometimes, it means looking at what I'm doing and adjusting accordingly, or it means scrapping stuff that clearly isn't working.  

This year, even though I have been thinking and praying about it for close to a month, I can't seem to settle on a verse from scripture, but I have kind of decided on a theme for the year....In my mind, this coming year has become the Year of the Butterfly.  

To that end, I've already chosen my journals for the year, and every single one of them has some sort of Butterfly on the cover.  I just love the hope and the joy that butterflies evoke in me, and I also feel like there has been a huge transformation of who I am over the last few years--the resurrection has happened, and now, I must learn to fly.  

 This may also sound a bit crazy, but one of my favorite movies is City Slickers with Billy Crystal.  It has a lot of wisdom in it, and I will leave you with this little gem as I close today:

May we all discover our One Thing.

Breaking the 180 barrier (PHFR#10)

Monday morning was the first time I have weighed under 180 lbs. in a really long time.  I was kind of expecting to not keep the weight off, since Sunday was one of those weird food days when you end up accidentally missing a meal or two.  Amazingly, I'm still under 180 lbs, for which I'm really thankful. It also makes me

Happy

177.8 lbs.  This dress is actually a little loose, and only another 5 lbs until my next stitch fix box!

I'm also really happy that I'm doing well at sticking with the GAPS diet.  I tried another new recipe this past weekend, and am glad I did: Parsnip Fries.  Of course, after I made them, I realized that it actually wasn't GAPS legal, so I'm thinking of trying this with carrots instead of parsnips as some point. As an added bonus, you can actually buy carrot sticks already cut up, so the prep time would be way shorter!

They got a little brown...but the ones that aren't burnt tasted really good!

I followed the recipe, but the fries ended up burning.  I'm wondering if the size of my oven has something to do with that--I have an apartment size stove, so the half-sheet pictured is the largest cookie sheet that will fit in my oven (there is less than a half inch left of space all the way around).  I'm wondering if having the sides of the oven so close to your baking dish make the cooking go quicker.  Or, maybe it is just that my knife skills aren't uniform enough.

Yep, this is my oven. Cute, isn't it?

I've about come to the conclusion that I really need to take some cooking classes so that I can be better at the prep part of cooking.  I have a pretty good handle on what spices and flavors go together, although I tend to be a little boring in that department, but uniform cutting and presentation are not my strong suit.

I'll never compete for one of those cooking shows, but I would like to make the process of cooking less tedious, and I think knowing some of the prep skills would be helpful.

Pretty

So, the evening of the Parsnip Fries, we bought a rotisserie chicken for dinner, and added some leftover butternut squash.  I have to say that the picture of dinner is definitely close to food porn.  I don't think I've ever been that good at taking a picture of dinner before. Maybe it is because I'm actually using my camera instead of the camera on my phone.

See the steam rising from dinner?

One of the other things I'm currently working on is adding more liquids to my diet--my real problem is that I don't particularly like drinking plain water.  This is why I usually resort to drinking carbonated or mineral water most of the time.  However, I'm also trying to economize on my grocery bill, so I've been looking for ways to do so.  Here is my solution:

Cucumbers!

I'm liking the taste, and, since I have the reusable aluminum bottles from when I worked at UTEP, I didn't have to make any kind of investment to create this solution.  I just have to be careful, because, when I drink from them in class, I'm incredibly tempted to crunch on the cucumbers while I'm teaching!

Funny

The weather has been BEAUTIFUL this last week, and it is fun to watch everything bloom.  In an effort to lower utility bills, we have been opening windows and turning on ceiling fans in an effort to refrain from turning on the A/C just yet.  The dogs are taking it in stride, although they will sometimes peer through the windows of the screen doors.  

Even though it is getting warmer, they are still vying for who gets to snooze on the quilt I'm working on, though.  I'm going to have to start another quilt immediately after this one is done in order for them to continue to have a place to sleep!

Ha-Ha, Bubba.  It is my turn!

Real

One of the side-effects of moving to central TX and all of the wonderful, glorious green is that I'm really struggling with allergies.  I've been told by both my dr. and several friends that this area is notorious for being bad for people with allergies--we are in the middle of a valley, so pollen blows in, but it doesn't really blow out.  Since coming back from Christmas in the desert, I have had 2 rounds of antibiotics for bronchitis, and I'm currently on steroids.  I'm really hoping that the steroids help...otherwise, I may have to do antibiotics as well.  

I'm thinking that opening windows is not the best way to economize.

I'm also starting to realize that, when you don't like fish and you can't do dairy, figuring out what to eat for Fridays in lent is a struggle....I did curried lentil soup last week, and will be making meatless split peas this week, but I'm running out of ideas for what to eat.  I have a feeling that at least part of my weekend will be used to look for some interesting vegetarian recipes.

Split peas soaking so that I can throw them in the crock-pot tomorrow.

Lastly, one of the easiest breakfasts on the GAPS diet is eggs: fried eggs, scrambled eggs, veggie frittatas, etc.  I may become an egg if I eat very many more of them!  So, today, I had a bowl of fresh strawberries for breakfast.  They tasted really good, but they didn't stick with me for very long.  I was already feeling hungry again by the time I had been at work for 30 minutes.  So, I'm going to need to think of something else to have for breakfast, or at least think of some sort of supplement to fresh fruit.

Any ideas are welcome!

Breakfast this morning.  I love the contrast of the blue with the red of the strawberries.

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My Very First Stitch Fix Box

As most of my family can attest, I am a bit fashion challenged--being in the height of fashion has never been a need of mine, and it has only been in the last 2-3 years that I have been willing to look at my clothes and say, "Hmmm.  I really don't want to look like a frump.  Maybe I should update my wardrobe."  Because of this, I tend to wait to go shopping for clothes until I can go with at least one or two of my sisters, since I really can't be trusted to always choose things that both look good on me and aren't either 20 years too old or 20 years too young, style-wise.

When I dress myself--This particular shirt will likely go in the donate bin
(It is also last Summer before I started losing weight and eliminating dairy)

This has created a bit of a conundrum for me, since I'm in the process of losing weight, and some of the clothes that I know look good on me are now not hanging right...and this is after only 10 lbs lost.  In my body's defense, some of it is probably less bloating due to no more dairy in my diet, but it is still sad when one of your favorite shirts no longer looks very good.  Since I live something like 12 hours away from the nearest relative, this means that, when I DO go shopping, I tend to take pictures and then text them to one or more sisters for advice.  I always feel a little worried that they get tired of the, "which one of these outfits look better?" texts.  So, when I talked to a colleague and heard about Stitch Fix, it seemed like a good compromise....I get help with clothes that look good on me, and I don't have to pester my siblings to get it.  I decided that I would reward myself with a StitchFix box for every 10 lbs that I lose.  I got my first box in the mail today, and amazingly, I feel like the stylist nailed what I like and what looks good on me!

They even help you to accessorize. Such a blessing for the accessory challenged like me.

The way that StitchFix works is that you pay a $20 stylist fee, and then they send you 5 pieces of clothing/accessories.  If you keep all 5 pieces, you get 25% off of the cost of the clothes, and they also credit you for the stylist fee toward the cost of the clothes.  Unfortunately, if you don't keep all 5, there is no discount, but you still get the $20 stylist fee to put toward your purchase.  I was pretty impressed with this first box, and if all of the items had fit, I would have kept the whole box.  Because I'm not getting that wonderful discount, I ended up returning 2 of the five items, so that I would pay the same as if I had kept all 5 items.

The dress that doesn't fit, and the infinity scarf beside it.  I was so very sad when this dress wouldn't zip up! I loved the burgundy and the pattern of the scarf, but without the dress, I'm not sure that I have anything I could wear it with. Most of my shirts are navy and purple!

I do have to say that I kind of expected the cost of each individual item to be less expensive--the cost is more along the lines of Kohls  or JC Penny's when it is full price, than Target.  I also hate that 2 of the 3 items I am keeping is hand-wash only.  One of them, a cardigan, won't be washed very often because it is outer wear, but I actually almost returned the shirt because it is hand wash only.  I love my washer, and am always looking for ways to make my life easier. I may see if I can wash it in the delicate cycle inside out, since the front of the shirt is all lace, and I don't want it to get snagged.

A ubiquitous dog picture, just because she is much cuter!

Sassy and the other dogs were very curious as I tried everything on, I suspect because the smell of the dyes before any of the items are washed are interesting to their sensitive noses.

So, I have one new outfit from the box, and I will definitely be doing this again.  It isn't really economizing on clothing, but if they last a decent amount of time, I'm willing to pay a little more for the items.  I definitely won't be going to a monthly cycle, though.  I can't justify that much money on clothing each month!

The outfit without the cardigan.  I really like the way these jeans fit! 

 Now, I just need to do the work and lose the next 10 lbs.  Once that happens, I can see how Tiffany (my stylist for this box), and the rest of the Stitch Fix team do next time.

And with the Cardigan. Amazingly, Ginger was cooperating for the picture...A real rarity!

Home Improvements for beginners (PHFR #8)

One of the things that I've started working on are some of the small projects that I've been wanting to do since I moved in, but have not taken the time to do.  Some of them are just time consuming, and some of them require both time and a bit of money.  So, I am using a portion of my tax return to begin knocking out a few of these.  It is kind of exciting to see how things are working out.  :-)

Pretty

Are you sure that there is room for you, mom?

I'm currently dog-sitting for my niece, and that means that I'm responsible for 4 rather than 2 dogs.  They get along really well, but it makes for a kind of crowded bed.  Most nights, one of the dogs decides that it is too crowded and sleeps in his/her own bed. I just find it a pretty sight that they like to sleep together.

My parish's Adoration Chapel

One of the things I have been doing since I moved here has been to commit to a slot for Adoration weekly.  It means planning my sleep time before and after in order to get enough sleep, but I find it totally worth it.  I love being able to spend time with Jesus in the middle of the night, and going is the highlight of my week.  

Even so, occasionally the person after me doesn't show up, and I end up losing 2 rather than one hour of sleep.  While I figure that I probably need the extra prayer time when it happens, one thing I have noticed is that my weight fluctuates more based on the amount of sleep I get than because of any other factor (at least as far as I can tell)--on nights that I get less than 7 hours of sleep, I can almost guarantee that my weight will be higher by a pound or more.  Weighing yourself daily leads to such interesting correlations!

Another side-effect that I'm noticing about getting less sleep is that I tend to have less will-power on those days when I have less sleep the night before.  It is amazing how much a lack of sleep effects me.

My desk in it's new home

I love that I now have a place to keep my desk where I can keep my sewing machine out for when I need it. Even though my desk has all of my writing stuff, I never use it to actually write at, so turning it into a sewing area is perfect. I've been putting my machine back in its original box whenever I'm not using it, but I'm really wanting to spend more time quilting this year. Having my machine out will hopefully motivate me to do more quilting--I really need to make bedspreads for both this room and my room.  I should probably think about upgrading to a better machine eventually, but this basic model will probably last me for a year or two....It probably isn't worth it to service the machine again more than once or twice, though.

Mysti-girl enjoying the new place for the bed and the sunlight from the window.

Without a roommate, I now have a spare bedroom, which is really nice.

Happy

The room from the back corner--don't mind the two skirts that are drying on the door.

Just as I thought it would, the love-seat works perfectly in this room.  Now, all I have to do is find something to put on the walls.  For sure, I need a Crucifix, but I'm not sure what else yet.  It will probably depend on what the eventual quilt for this room will look like.  

Last Saturday, I spent the whole day tearing out the carpet from this room.  As I suspected, there is a really nice, if badly stained, hard wood floor underneath. Removing the carpet wasn't actually the part that took so long--it was removing the tack board around the edges.  I spent all day using my hammer and a chisel to pry them up, and I'm pretty proud of my work!

Depending on whether I try to refinish it myself or if I get it professionally done, it is probably not going to happen until Summer sometime to resurface it.  I found a product called "Goof Off," though, and I'm going to see if I can get some of the worst stains out rather than having to sand all of them off. Part of me is really leaning toward doing the work myself, since I can do the floors one room at a time and finish it for about 1/10 of the price.  

The things holding me back are:

1.  Can I sand the floors evenly?
2. Will it look good when I'm done?

I'm seriously thinking about making the spare bedroom a test bed--if I can make it look good, then I know that I can do my bedroom and the living room, no problem.  If I can't then it isn't that much money wasted, and I can bring in a professional.  

Most of the room

The entryway.

 Another of my projects has been to get some shelves made for a built-in bookcase in my kitchen so that I can use it as a spice rack.  Earlier this week while I as at lowe's I found some really pretty wood, and had them cut the wood into the size I needed.  I had to check to see if it would work, so as soon as I got home, I put the shelves up, even though they aren't finished or sanded yet. The end result makes me very happy!

I have now switched the contents on the bottom and top shelves--having non-food items seemed safer on the shelf the dogs can reach.

Funny

This is what I saw when I woke up this morning.  At first, I thought, "Aaww, how cute!" Then Sassy stretched a little, and it was like she was trying to push Bubba put of the way. Now I'm just not sure.

I'm not sure whether they are cuddling, or if Sassy is trying to take up Bubba's space on the bed.

While I was pounding away on the floors, the animals pretty much avoided the noise like the plague. However, as soon as I was done and started putting the furniture in place, they became very curious. I'm not sure they knew what to make of this room without the yucky, stained carpet.

Mom, is it ok to get on the floor now? Are the "bang-bangs" done???

 This coming weekend means finishing the shelves for the spice rack, painting the patch on the wall in the Bathroom (I had it fixed right before Christmas, and just haven't gotten around to painting it--it is partially hidden by the toilet, so I just don't think of it that often), and trying the Goof-Off on the stains in the spare bedroom.  I never realized how much work owning a house can be!

My to-do list for this weekend

Real

In the process of moving my desk, I had to clear it off.  The smart thing to do would have been to take all of the stuff that had been on my desk and put it where they belonged. What did I do instead? Move it to the top of my dresser. In my defense, I was really tired after close to seven hours of tearing up tack-board...

Why clean when you can just move the stack somewhere else???

Battle Scars--proof that you survived!

And, while I was working on the Tack-board, I ended up somehow (I'm still not sure how) getting a nail stuck between my finger and the fingernail.  The nail actually ended up poking through the fingernail about midway.  It hurt like a booger, but really didn't bleed that much.  Now, I have a pretty bruise underneath my nail, even though it doesn't really hurt anymore.  I keep forgetting to call my Dr. and schedule a tetanus shot, but will try to do so later today.

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Sandal Weather!!! (PHFR#7)

Happy/Pretty

Part of the fun of living in Texas is that it means sandal weather tends to come early.  The days have been nice enough these last few days that I've worn my sandals a couple of days in a row.  Once it is sandal weather, I tend to wear sandals non-stop until it is no longer sandal weather, so this makes me incredibly happy.

I'm not sure they match my outfit, but I love being able to wear sandals!!! It is probably time for me to paint the toe-nails so they aren't naked.

Another pleasant surprise this week was that some flowers started blooming in front of my house.  I didn't even know that the bulbs were there, so when they started sprouting and blooming, it was a huge surprise.  My first impulse is to say that these are daffodils, but the petals seem thicker than what I envision for daffodils.  If you know what kind of flower it is, telling me would be great.

I'm a "live and let live" gardener, so the fact that these showed up without me doing anything makes me incredibly happy!

One of the hardest things about being on the GAPS diet and also being dairy free is that finding things to eat when sweet cravings hit are difficult.  I've been mostly good (I will admit to one last Breve Latte from Starbucks on Monday--my nod to the coming of Lent), although the siren song of ice cream has been rather loud of late. I'm amazed that I have been able to ignore it's pull to date, but I've also been on the lookout for some sort of substitute. This is why I was so incredibly happy when I found this recipe, as it seems to fulfill my craving for creamy/cold.  The only tweaks were to use honey rather than maple syrup and substituting unsweetened bakers chocolate for the dark chocolate mentioned. This made it fully GAPS legal, but you can't cut the honey in half--you need to make a one to one substitution on the sweetener.

I doubled the recipe and used my food processor to mix it all together (why did I resist getting such a wonderful invention for so long, again???).  It really is incredibly dark and rich for a chocolate mousse--I could probably eat about 1/2 of one of the 4 oz. servings I dished out, and still take care of my cravings. I may see if I can make it a little less chocolatey, the next time I make it, although part of the reason for all the chocolate is to mask the taste of the avocado--it might not be possible. 

Supposedly, the recipe makes 8 servings when doubled--I got 10  4-oz. jars worth.

Who needs a cookbook when you have the internet?

MMMM, Good.  I've found it is best when I cut the chocolate with berries or other fruit. Because it has Avocado, it makes for a healthy breakfast, right? ;-)

Funny/Real

So, I used part of my tax return to replace my dishwasher.  While my old one was standard size, and my new one was too, it ended up being about 1/8 of an inch too tall for the cabinet space.  

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't make it fit...

 After quite a bit of hemming and hawing, I realized that most of the issue was the lip on the countertop made by the tile facing.  A trip to Lowes for a chisel, and about 30 minutes later, I was able to fit it into the space just fine.  I kept the tiles, in case I can figure out a way to cut them without breaking them to pieces.  Otherwise, I will probably be replacing my counter-tops sooner rather than later.  I'd really like to get either granite, quartz, or solid surface counter-tops, but don't know if they come in lighter colors that I'd like.  I really don't want dark counters, as it will suck all of the light out of the area.  I've thought some about getting butcher block counters as well, but I'm probably too clumsy for them to stay nice looking.

The finished product. Not pretty, but functional.  I need to figure out a way to make this gap in the tile facing less jarring until I can replace the counters.

I also have to say that I love my new dishwasher.  It is so quiet that you can hardly tell that it is running!  This is such a change, since my old dishwasher made so much noise that you couldn't have a decent conversation anywhere near it.

 Now that it is sandal weather, I'm probably going to transition to more fizzy water and less tea, although it will still be my go-to drink first thing in the morning.  I'm not sure it is normal to have a whole desk drawer dedicated to various types of tea...

This is probably a sign that I should eventually make giving up tea a Lenten discipline...

And, it is very obvious that the main part of the semester has started...My desk is a mess, and it is beginning to annoy me.  I suspect that I will be using part of Friday afternoon to put it to rights so that I can begin using it to its best advantage again.  

Snoopy and purple--this has quickly become my favorite mug, and it makes grading much more enjoyable!

In the mean time, I think I will make myself another cup of tea. :-)

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The Scourge of the Saggy Butt (PHFR #6)

Pretty

I've probably added this before, but I just love this picture of me with my sister.  It is such a joy to have a great family!

Happy

So, I was finally healthy enough to go back to Choir. While this is an older picture, the fact that we have choir practice in the choir loft (AND that we sing from there) is one of my favorite parts about being in it.  In the spring and fall, choir starts right around dusk, and that is when I shot this picture.  Every time I miss a few weeks, I'm reminded of how much I love singing when I return.  It is pure joy to be able have songs stuck in your head the rest of the evening.

My view from the choir loft.

Funny

So, I'm about 1/3 of the way through finishing a quilt for my niece, and it stays on the couch so that I can work on it while I'm watching TV.  Our dogs have decided that it is one of the most comfortable places to sleep, so they take turns on it...

My niece complains that she is the only one who hasn't used her quilt.

At work, my students have been tasked with making Memes to help my future students...This is one of my favorites.

Real

I was able to find a couch set for a steal, and all of us (including the dogs) loves them.  I still need to figure out how to cover/re-upholster them, but they work for now. Sassy actually likes the foot stool best, but she can be found on any of them regularly. In fact, her favorite thing to do when she doesn't want to go out is to jump on the couch and show me her belly.

How is it that I ended up with a white dog who loves to dig???

Nope. No room for you, mom!

In other news, I'm going to have to retire my skinny jeans.  I've lost just enough weight that the back of my jeans won't stay put.  After about 10 minutes, the butt part of my jeans are sagging about 6 inches underneath my actual butt--I rutch them, but they won't stay put.  As I walked back to my car after choir, I was thinking that the name "The scourge of the saggy butts" would make a neat name for a grunge band.  

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GAPS update and other musings.

So, I've been weighing myself daily, and today, my weight was at 182.8 lbs.  That means, since the beginning of the year, and in spite of cheating a couple of times (popcorn and other things while at my Nephew's wedding, plus a couple of Breve Lattes and that one time I already wrote about), I have lost 10.8 lbs.

Here is my update picture:

My exercise clothes are fitting better. I'm not sure
the change is all that noticeable, though.

I'm getting to the place where I have no more excuses--I have to stick to this if I want healing! I'm working on being better with following the diet.  I also got behind on my fermentation, so I spent a couple of hours last night putting up some new ferments: beets, and carrots.  I plan to put up some sauerkraut later this week as well, since I'm down to half a jar. Getting a food processor for Christmas has to be the best gift EVER!

The ferments and most of my food processor. That one quart of carrots looks darker because I used sauerkraut juice to prime it for fermentation.

I finally started walking the dogs again today, as well--It was derailed because of sickness.  Being sick during the first week of school is never fun. When you accidentally drink left over tea in a travel mug you forgot at the office, you end up giving yourself several more days of coughing.  I was almost over the cough when I re-infected myself, too! I'm just glad that the fever didn't return as well.

So, I have been hacking and coughing up a storm, and if the cough doesn't go away soon, I will have to go back to the Dr. about it.  I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that.

This last weekend was the wedding of another of my nephews.  His bride seems really nice, although I didn't get to talk to her all that much.  I did, however, get to spend time with my siblings, which was a wonderful, wonderful thing.  I wish that all of them could have come, but I understand having family and kiddo obligations.

Sister Selfie--It was a joint effort. I couldn't figure out how to push the button, so my sister did that while I held the phone.

My outfit for the wedding.  I'm so glad for fashion advice!

Watching my sister dance with her son at the reception, I realized that this is an experience I will probably never have.  It is part of the cross of following Church teachings on sexuality, and I embrace that.  It is just a tiny bit bitter-sweet, even as I rejoice in my nephew's joy and my sister's transition to a new stage of life as well.  Every yes has a no embedded in it, and my lack of children means that I'm free for other things.  I look forward to seeing where the Lord will lead because of my obedience.

In the mean time, I color!  (This is a page from the coloring calendar I got for Christmas!)

Procrastination at its finest!

Goals vs. Resolutions

Several of my colleagues are avid soccer fans.  In fact, at least two of them are planning to go to the World Cup this coming year, and everything World Cup is a normal topic of conversation in the break room.  Since I began working here, I have learned more about soccer than I ever knew before, even from my host brother in Germany. Our student workers has gotten into the act as well, but they have taken it a step further and have created a tournament based on the FIFA video game, and dragooned some of my colleagues into it, in spite of the fact that they don't know how to play the game!

This is the game that everyone is playing at work.

Of course, since I still don't know very much about soccer, except that there is a huge inter-office rivalry between those who root for Mexico and those that root for the US soccer team, this post about a more serious type of goal (not that soccer fans don't take their goals very seriously...), specifically where I want to go from here.

When I started this blog almost a year ago, I stated my goals as follows:

I plan to chronicle my journey, both spiritually and physically here, so that my friends and family can join this journey with me.  While on pilgrimage, I plan to blog whenever I can find internet access, so there will be pictures and narrative as I walk.  In the meantime, I will talk about all of the planning I do, as well as any and all spiritual insights as the Lord gives them to me....

I am contemplating the possibility of entering religious life.... Since this is also part of my personal pilgrimage, I will talk about things as they develop.... Jesus said, "Ask and it will be given unto you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened unto you." (Matthew 7:7)  So, I plan for this year to be my year of asking, seeking and knocking.  Will you join me on the pilgrimage?

 So, really, my goal was to make it here:

The Cathedral in Santiago as the moon rose behind it.

and here:

Yep, this is an inside look at an actual human heart (image taken from Wikipedia), although my looking was more metaphorical!

I know that I made it to the first, and I started to get glimpses into the second, but the journey isn't done--I don't think any of us quit walking in pilgrimage until we stop breathing, even if the physical journey is over with. I'm just not sure what is next.  Of course, none of us know what the future holds, although many of us begin to think about the coming year and make "resolutions" about next year as it looms on the horizon.  I don't like resolutions because they are usually either: 1. too vague--"I'm going to get in shape this year!" 2. too drastic--"I'm going to quit my 3 pack a day smoking habit this year!" or 3. too frivolous--"I'm going to eat cheese puffs at every meal this year!" for us to stick to them.  

That is why I'm thinking in terms of goals rather than resolutions this year. I've been thinking a lot about questions like, "When I think about me 12 months from now, what do I want to see that is different?  What would I like to strengthen within myself?  What habits do I want to cultivate?  What habits do I want to get rid of? How do I plan to get from here to there?"  That last question is key--without an action plan, nothing will change--it is the key weakness of most resolutions! 

At the same time, I am one of those people who tend to fail at keeping resolutions because my goal is too lofty/drastic. One year, I decided that I wanted to run a marathon, so, Jan 1st saw my couch potato self running 4 miles with predictable results--I had wrenched my knee by the second week of January, and lost the will keep trying by the time my knee healed enough to begin running again.  Running a marathon is still on my bucket list, but I now know that you can't go from no miles to 4 miles immediately and expect to do so injury free. My motto for this coming year:

LOW AND SLOW!!!

I'd like to add some specific goals that follows the above motto, but I'm just really not sure what those will be yet.  I do know that I want to make exercise something that is a natural part of my day...something that I do without thinking about.  I also know that I'd like to get back in the habit of several spiritual disciplines that used to be part of my routine: Adoration, saying my Rosary, daily Mass, etc. They were my bedrock of survival in the last years of my marriage, so I know that getting out of the habit was at least partly because of relief.  And yet, it is also no excuse to neglect my relationship with God because I no longer have emotional trauma in my life on a daily basis. I'd also like to be better at keeping my house clean, and I want to break the habit of being late all the time.  I want to be out of debt, and hope to make a major dent in that over this coming year as well. I want to write here at least once a week. I want to become fluent in Spanish.  I want to finish my novel. I want to finally run that marathon. 

If I were to take on all of these from the beginning of the new year, I know that I would give up long before Ash Wednesday, so I will likely choose one habit and work on that for January.  Then, I will add one more in February or March, and so on. If I chip away at it, then I can get all of these goals done for this coming year, but it also means a lot of discipline--something that I seem to be in short supply of right now.  I know that this is my own fault, because I have been listening to the negative voices in my head. Without the above spiritual disciplines to underpin my resistance to the dialog in my head, I tend to succumb to the despair and depression that those voices engender.  One of my Camino friends, Jillian, calls those voices the fear monster, and actually named hers George!  Check out the above link to see her comic strip about her interactions with her fear monster.  She makes some valid points about what those voices do to us, as well as how it affects our relationships with one another.  

Really,  if I were to be honest with myself, that needs to be my main goal this coming year--conquer the pessimistic voice in my head that tells me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough to be, do, accept, etc. I don't want it to be a fake kind of affirmation, like the Stuart Smalley Skits on Saturday Night, Live, though.

 

What I'd really like is to continue to build upon the healing that has happened in my heart so that I have a firm foundation for whatever God has for me in the future.  That way, when I sit here and look back on next year, I can be like all of the soccer fans I'm surrounded by at work: "GOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!"