What AM I looking for? or, "Ditch the plan, Ruth!"

This was one of my favorite songs from growing up:

At least part of the reason why I like the song is that it captures the essence of Wanderlust for me...That elusive feeling that you don't know what it is, but you are missing something.

As I'm about 10 days away from my second Camino, I'm a little perplexed as to why I'm going.  I really don't have any burning questions to ask God, and I don't really have any kind of spiritual or psychological healing that I feel I need.  I'm in my dream job, I'm part of an awesome parish, I get to go to Adoration 2x/ week, and I (and the bank) own my home.  I don't have that feeling of missing something, and honestly, that is something that I tend to feel at the two year mark of any position I've ever been in before.

I can honestly say that I'm content--or maybe blessed and grateful are better terms for what I'm feeling.  Which brings me back to the question, "Why am I going? What am I looking for?"

I know that I've been called to do this Camino, and I AM looking forward to it, even though I know that it won't be anything like the first one. For one, I will be working as I go--I will be teaching all summer long online.  This means that I will be more plugged in to what is going on in the world as well, since I have to stay on top of emails, etc.  I'm also going to be tuned into every little thing my body tells me, and I know that, if my body tells me to, I will be skipping to the end.  I don't anticipate that happening, but it is a possibility.  I also know that, if things go really south, the pilgrim's office in Santiago are always looking for volunteers, so I could very well end up most or part of the summer volunteering until my plane trip home.

Even so, I really wonder what this Camino will be like, and how it will be the same/different from the last one.  Something that many pilgrims say is the phrase, "The Camino Provides."  As a Catholic Christian, I believe that it is God providing what we need through the intercession of St. James, but, based on my experience, those of us who are Christians and doing this as a spiritual exercise are in the minority.  No matter what, you often find yourself at the right place at the right time, and you get exactly what you need to be encouraged/helped/taught along the way.  Also, the lessons you learn may or may not be the ones that you start your trek hoping to learn.

Actually, I suspect that God really wants to teach me about His provision this trip: every time I start to think about where I might want to end my stages or figure out mileage or make sure that I have enough time to finish the full Camino, I feel like the Holy Spirit is whispering in my ear, "Ditch the plan, Ruth. Trust Me."  And, that is why I think that God hasn't laid some burning question on my heart or my mind.  My job is to be open to whatever lesson He wants to teach me.

With that in mind, I'm on the lookout for a short prayer that I can pray daily while on the Camino, and which reflects that openness.  If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

And, one good song from my childhood deserves another.  This is also my prayer:

The Year of the Butterfly

Butterflies have a lot of symbolism that is tied to death and re-birth...it is often a way for us to remember the death and resurrection of Christ, for instance.  One website I was looking at mentioned that butterflies are also a reminder of our own bodily resurrection that is promised in scripture.

source: http://in5d.com/the-esoteric-meaning-of-the-butterfly/  I just really like the picture, not necessarily the content of the website...

As is usual for me, the advent of my birthday makes me (some would say overly) contemplative, and as this coming birthday is the big 4-0, I'm finding myself thinking a lot about this coming year and what I both want and where I want to head.  

Usually, this entails finding a theme verse from the Bible, and maybe making a few goals that I want to work on.  Sometimes, it means looking at what I'm doing and adjusting accordingly, or it means scrapping stuff that clearly isn't working.  

This year, even though I have been thinking and praying about it for close to a month, I can't seem to settle on a verse from scripture, but I have kind of decided on a theme for the year....In my mind, this coming year has become the Year of the Butterfly.  

To that end, I've already chosen my journals for the year, and every single one of them has some sort of Butterfly on the cover.  I just love the hope and the joy that butterflies evoke in me, and I also feel like there has been a huge transformation of who I am over the last few years--the resurrection has happened, and now, I must learn to fly.  

 This may also sound a bit crazy, but one of my favorite movies is City Slickers with Billy Crystal.  It has a lot of wisdom in it, and I will leave you with this little gem as I close today:

May we all discover our One Thing.

Shifting Priorities

On my way to my parish, I pass an old gas station: the pumps are covered with yellow arrows.  Those arrows remind me every time I go to Mass of my time on the Camino, where similar yellow arrows pointed me in the direction of Santiago.

See the yellow arrows on the pump?

And yet, as I get closer to the point when I need to seriously begin the process of planning and training in earnest for going on the Camino in 2016, I'm realizing that my priorities have shifted.  I still want to walk the Camino from beginning to end, and I hope that God allows me to do just that at some point.  However, even if my priorities had not pulled me in other directions, I don't think that my body would currently let me do so.  You see, I'm still having foot pain, and I'm still unable to even run 1 mile with no weight, let alone walk 9-12 miles in a day with 15 lbs. on my back.  My podiatrist doesn't currently think that I need surgery (Thank GOD!!!), but he hasn't ruled it out completely either.  The other option would be to bicycle the Camino, but that would mean losing out on much of the social aspect of the Camino, and I really don't want to do that.  It also means figuring out how to ship a bicycle to Spain, and that just seems really complicated.

So, as much as I want to do something epic to mark my passage into my Forties, walking the Camino, or any kind of hike next summer is out.  I'm not sure what my gift to myself will be, but I have a few ideas percolating.

Many of my own personal priorities have been in flux of late, anyway. To try to choose something that will fit those priorities a year from now wouldn't work at the moment, for I'm not sure what those priorities will be.

As the weeks go on, I will try to talk a little bit about what I've been thinking about, but here are a few questions that have been simmering in the back of my head as a teaser:

1. What does it mean to be a single lay person in the Church today?  What role do we play in the life of the Church?
2. What are the things in my life that are obstacles to saying yes to God? How can I work on removing them?
3. I've been given this huge blessing of my own house. How can I use that gift as a blessing to others?
4. One of the things I loved about my time with the Sisters in Chicago was the rhythm of prayer that their life revolved around. How can I both incorporate that into my own life, yet balance it with the rest of my obligations?
5. What does it mean to be "in the world, not of it"?  

I don't have the answers to the above, and I may never have those answers, but they are definitely worth pondering, and prayerfully exploring.  It will be interesting to see where these questions take me.

Tattoos, Commitment, and Saying Yes

Ever since the first time I separated from my ex, I have flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo. Back then, I always said that said tattoo would be a phoenix rising from the ashes:

Something like this, actually, but I always wanted it to be full color.

This symbol is very powerful for me, because it speaks to the process I feel that I've gone through as I've processed and healed from my divorce.  And yet, something has always held me back from actually doing it.

It has to do with the permanency of a tattoo...I'm not sure that I'm willing to commit to a mark on my skin that is going to be there for the rest of my life.  Which, really, is kind of funny, because I once committed to wearing a ring on my finger in a sign of commitment "til death do us part." And, while I was married, I pretty much didn't take it off unless my fingers were swelling. Even almost 3 years later, I can still feel a bit of the dent left by wearing a ring for almost 11 years.

However, I've begun thinking about getting a tattoo again, and much of it has to do with the time I spent with the Sisters in Chicago (This article talks about the order I was volunteering with, and this is their website).  You see, the sisters say the Angelus 3x/day, and part of it has been echoing in my heart and my mind:

Be it done 

to me according 

to Your Word.

This echo of Mary's Yes to God, it seems to me, is the heart of following Christ, and if I ever DO decide to get a tattoo, it will be of those nine momentous words.  In some ways, it would be a way of formalizing the yes I tell Him daily.   I still like the image of the Phoenix, but I'm no longer in the process of rising from the ashes.  It no longer fits, somehow.

I'm still undecided about getting any kind of tattoo, and some of it is cost.  I have a hard time justifying $100 for 9 words.  And, I keep coming back to whether I really NEED to formalize the yes I say to God.  The nice thing is that I don't have to make this decision today, or even tomorrow.  Instead, like one of the postulants told me while I was there, all I need to do is know what God wants of me right now, not 2, 3, 5, or 10 years from now.  And, that is where my daily yes comes from.  The rest will work itself out as I do what is before me in the here and now.  May we all echo Mary and say, "behold the handmaid of the Lord: be it done to me according to your word."

And so it begins...

Life has gotten in the way of posting very much here, but I've been wanting to pick up blogging again.  Since I've actually begun planning my next Camino, it seemed like a good time to re-start writing.

At this point, the plan is that I will be back on the Camino in July/August of 2016--at a little over a year until I go, it seemed appropriate to start the planning.  In some ways, I feel like the planning will go a little bit easier, since I have a really good idea of what I should and should not bring.  In some ways, I feel like the planning will actually be harder, since I need to keep my feet into account.  They are still bothering me, which means that it might take me longer to get to Santiago, that I might have to send my backpack forward, that I may have to take more rest days along the way, or some combination of the above.  It might also mean that I will need to bring KT tape with me for my feet.  The extra weight of having to do that is not something I relish, but if I'm sending my pack on each day, it won't be all that terrible.

I actually knew that it was about time to begin planning for my next Camino when I started thinking about being on the trail every time I passed this old gas station here in town....It has some spray-painted yellow arrows on the pumps, and it reminds me of the trail markers that are ubiquitous on the Camino.

Of course, that isn't the only new adventures that I'm in the process of.  I've made an offer on a house, and, assuming everything goes well, I will be closing on June 2.  I'm not looking forward to moving, but I am looking forward to having my own space and to be able to decorate any way I want to without worrying I'll lose my deposit over it!  We are doing the inspections today, and I will take pictures while I'm there.  I'm hoping to make it my Refuge, and already have a few things I want to do to make it better.  It will be a long process, though, so I'm not planning to do everything all at once.  It has to pass the inspections and the appraisal first, though!

With a June 2 closing date, it also means that we will have about 2 months to move and get the apartment cleaned/fixed up.  Because of our critters, we will need to replace some of the blinds and pick up the dog doo, not to mention clean deeply and maybe put down new contact paper in the cabinets.  I'm really starting to get excited, and it is fun to plan/get ready for the next step!

Annulled. Now What?

One of the hazards of moving is that, when you give your new address to others, they might write it down wrong or miss part of it.  This happened at the Tribunal office, and I first learned of this when they called me today to let me know that my Annulment has finally come through...the letter they sent was returned because they forgot to add my apartment number.  So, I'm not sure how long it has been that my marriage was Annulled, but it has been and I'm free--free to marry or enter a religious order, free to move on.

Proof that all of Bryan/College Station are Aggie-Crazy.  This truly is a "thing."

I have mixed feelings about this....Based on what the tribunal told me back when I got the first instance, I didn't expect to hear from them for another year.  Maybe I should have, since I've been praying for it to come through daily since I turned in the paperwork.  It isn't that I don't think prayer works...it is just that I figured that the backlog the tribunal told me about would preclude it from getting here any time before the 2 year mark.

A selfie with my sister-in-law over Christmas. While I was there, I realized that Bryan/College Station is truly becoming my home. 

It is kind of like the shifting of sand underneath your feet as you walk down a sand dune--you have to be careful of your balance or you will end up landing on your butt.  I can now start dating, or pursuing a religious vocation.  I can consider myself to be truly free, but the next step is unclear to me.  I think it is time to spend some time in Adoration before I go much further, and let the sand settle beneath me before I take the next step, whatever that is.

Whenever I think of sand dunes, I think of these--Taken at White Sands National Monument

I'm just thankful that I CAN move forward.  This is definitely a blessing for this new year.

The picture is fuzzier than I'd like, but this is my outfit for the second day of the semester.  I've been truly blessed!

Saying Goodbye to the Philosopher

I think that I have made a personal record...After 3 months of dating, my relationship with the philosopher has ended.  This is actually the shortest that I have ever dated anyone, with 6 months being the shortest before this.  I think that the amazing thing is that I'm largely ok with this development, in part because I had an inkling that this might happen a couple of weeks ago, and in part because the Lord has given me a lot of peace leading up to this.  I'm still processing it, but I'm at a really good place in my life--I have a job that I love, a parish that is downright awesome, and a new town to learn about and explore.

One of the flowers blooming around campus at my new job.  I look forward to the fall colors.  I also look forward to the spring when more plants will be blooming!

God used the Philosopher to get me out of my comfort zone back home and bring me to here to a better job and and an awesome parish.  I can only be thankful for that.  I don't regret the move, and honestly, I don't regret my behavior during our relationship.  I conducted myself to the best of my ability in a Godly fashion, not without struggle, but with integrity.  I hope that he can say the same.

So, my job for the next few months will be putting down roots where I am, and following where ever the Lord may lead...Right before I came here, I started a new journal, and decided that I needed to make my theme to be "Putting down roots."  I actually had the perfect journal to use for that theme, as well.

My current Journal.

I had already started doing so before the break-up, but now it starts in earnest.  I now have an hour scheduled for weekly Adoration at my parish, and will begin teaching CCD classes this coming Wednesday...I'm co-teaching the 6th grade boys, so please pray for me!!!  I hope to go dancing tonight at the local country-western hot-spot, and am finding my way around pretty well.  I also plan to go for a bike ride just for the fun of it this afternoon--something I haven't done since I was a kid exploring my neighborhood!  Just as I did before I started dating, I plan to enjoy being single--spend time with friends, exercise, work, and grow.  Yes, it can be lonely, but I'm learning that, when you take it to Christ, that loneliness becomes solitude--it is all a matter of perspective.  

This is my favorite Superbowl commercial ever--it seems to best illustrate the following poem!

Tilting at Windmills

Loss of sleep feeds my melancholy

A voracious monster who

Sucks at my marrow with abandon

The unknown will be known

And he is poised for another feast

His utensils gleam, napkin beneath the chin

This outcome might bring sorrow

A slow drip of nectar or a 

Great 10 course dinner--I know not which

One thing is certain: Melancholy's glut

Will be his downfall.

Like an illusion, he transforms

Prayer and gratitude diminish him

And the monster morphs--

Shadows dissipated, he is a pesky mosquito

Defeated with a timely swat.

(sorry this isn't a sonnet--hopefully next week!)

Settling in

So, I have now been in Central TX for a little over 2 weeks, and I'm finally getting settled into the area, although I still use my GPS whenever I want to find something.  Even so, I have found the nearest (nice) laundromat, the nearest Starbucks, how to get to work and home, and the nearest grocery store.  I've also found a really good home parish.  This is their website, and I'm really enjoying the worship, the community, and look forward to getting more involved.  In fact, I have committed to teaching CCD for the 6th grade boys class, so I'm going to need some extra prayers!  It doesn't start for another week and a half, so I will be able to spend some time getting prepared. :-D

The truck as it was originally packed for our trip here. we had to re-do the tarp at the Sunland park exit since it kept coming off.

I'm also in the process of working on my classes: I have seven this semester, so I will be incredibly busy during the week.  I should actually be working on my Argumentation and Debate class right about now, but I'm being a bit of a bum at the moment.  At this point, it is late enough that it will have to wait until tomorrow evening or during my office hours.  I will also be going to the bank and the post office during lunch.  I don't get to start riding my bike regularly to work until Wednesday, it looks like.  I can live with that, but I really want to get into and stay in the habit.

This is the truck after the redo.  It still billowed, but not as bad.  We made it all the way to Ft. Stockton, although the tarp was in tatters.  We had to buy a new one the next day.

I'm not sure what the digdog thinks about all this, although she is much less skittish than she was when we first started packing and then unpacking...she isn't sticking to my side like a limpet anymore, but she still prefers to stay pretty close.  I think that she is worried that I'm going to go away again like I did when I went to Spain.  At the same time, she is really liking the new yard, and she and my niece's dog have been having fun running around in it.  My favorite part about our yard is that there are 2 trees close enough that I will be able to hang a hammock from them come next spring.  I suspect that it will become one of my favorite places to read, assuming that the mosquitoes aren't terrible.  I may need to take out stock in Citronella candles...

The local running store.  I haven't gone there yet when they are open, but I'm hoping that I can find a running group through them.  

 One of the nicest parts about my new job is that I have an office all to myself--no more cubicle-like desk space.  Because of that, I've gone a little overboard in decorating it.  I have even bought a plant, in spite of the fact that I have the black thumb of death.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that I can actually keep it alive for the duration.  From what I've read online and from my friends, it is actually a low-maintenance plant.

My office.  I even bought curtains!

My plant.  The mini-posters behind it are from Zen Pencils, and are all quotes by Emerson.

And, today, I unpacked my last box.  I'm officially all settled in, and I'm really thankful for that.  That means that I actually have a place to work from home, as well as that it is restful enough that I will actually be able to focus.  While I was a slob about keeping my room clean growing up, I've found that having a tidy space to work actually helps to keep a person focused.  I still need to do something about an office chair, since my ball doesn't seem to be keeping it's air.  I'm using our one folding chair at the moment, but it isn't very comfortable.  Since I've had my exercise ball for 4 years, it is probably time and past time to replace it.

My wall.  These are dance cards from the late 20's from various high school and college dances, a hat from the 30's-40's, and a fan from the same era.  

My bed.  Fat Cat likes having a clean room, too!

I still have a blank wall in my room, but I'm not sure what to put on that particular wall yet.  I'm hoping that I can find a nice print of art at some point in the near future.  Some of my wall hangings were put in my office, and there were a couple that I had to get rid of because they got damaged in the move.  It is kind of nice, though, as it means I can add to my repertoire of pictures.  I may see if I can find a nice Picasso print, since he is probably one of my favorite artists. 

But the thing is that this city and our apartment is becoming home.  I miss my family, but this was a good move for me, and I look forward to putting down roots.  Next thing you know it, I'm going to start sounding like a Texan with a drawl and everything!

My Day In Pictures

A friend of mine has been posting a picture daily of ordinary things in her life that bring her joy, and has tagged them #100OrdinaryDays on her Facebook page.  I really like the idea of doing something like this, but often forget to take a picture a day after about the 15th or 20th day.  I have also been talking online with someone I met through CatholicMatch.com  for the last 2 weeks.  Since he has an M.A. in philosophy, I will call him the Philosopher for any future posts that include him.  Anyway, because I was trying to think about ways to get a better idea of his day to day life (he lives near Dallas), I asked him to chronicle a day of his life in pictures, then promised to do the same for him.  It seems like a more doable option than the picture a day my friend is doing on her Facebook feed, anyway.

Beyond this, I'm going to try to keep my captioning to a minimum and let my pictures speak for themselves...

Morning, Sleepy Head!

Now that you're awake...Breakfast?

Did you say "WALK???"

You did! You did say  Walk!!!

Pretty as a picture

Prayer while Commuting

The paths around the construction

Beautiful Summer Morning

My Building Straight ahead!

Finally to work!

Breakfast and my current favorite tea.

Back to my Car via the parking Garage

Now to look at the other foot...

Waiting for the Doctor

View from the bridge between my parking lot and the parking garage.

Lunch!

My view of the Lab I work in.

Keeping from burning myself on the steering wheel.

You can see Juarez from here!

Looks like Monsoon season is starting early!

A lazy dinner

Typical Rush Hour Traffic a few hours late

Hi, Aunt Ruth. Take my picture!

Do I have to get my picture taken???

Who's There?

Welcome HOME!!!!

Chores before Bedtime!

Icing the site of injection.

Lighting the Candle on the Family Altar...and Lucy. Time to go to Bed!  'Night all!

Possibilities

One of my pictures from the Camino. I called this the Pom Pom tree because it has little green balls that look like pom-poms.

I smile
Just to myself
As I think about
The path before me.

Right now
The dappled ground
Soaks the bright sunshine
Beneath leafy boughs

The warmth
Bathes my heart in
Anticipation
For treks yet to come.

The chill
May mark my time:
The metronome in
Rain, snow, leaves and dust.

And yet,
I am immersed
In wonder, in awe
At right now, at Grace.

For Grace
Has lead me to
Stumble upon this
Path in giddy shock.

It leads...
I know not where.
Only God knows and
He's not telling me.

The Great Lenten Experiment

So, I've been thinking a lot about what to give up for Lent, and I haven't been able to figure any thing else out.  Most of my go-to stuff is either not an issue this year because I've already pretty much given them up (Starbucks for instance), or because I have to use it for work this time around (Social Media).  So, I've been racking my brain for what to give up for Lent.

Usually, I take something on and give something up--I read a book, add a prayer discipline, etc. in addition to giving something up. It is because of Lent several years ago that I still refrain from listening to music in my car on the way to work: I use that time for prayer instead.  I have also had some drastic failures...One year, I gave up all land animals for Lent.  I was able to make it through lent, but I hate fish.  I ended up eating a lot of tuna and meat-less meals.  I don't think I touched tuna again for close to a year!!!  Since then, I have set my sights on things that are less weighty: it has become a reset time for me.  I give up those things that I know are items that tend to eat up more and more of my time as time goes on--For many years, it was TV, and then it became Facebook/Social Media and Starbucks.  But, I have already cut Starbucks this year, and I am in charge of a contest at work that is using Social Media during the month of March.

Even though I'm feeling the creep of social media,  I can't cut it completely, so that isn't really a good Lenten discipline this year.  So, I think that I'm going to try something that I've always wanted to try...I'm going to make Lent a "Buy Nothing" Month.  Of course, I know that I will still need to buy food and gas, but basically, unless it is a necessity, I'm not going to buy it. My goal will be to stay under $200 for necessities each month for the (almost) two months of lent. Even then, I suspect that I'm not going to need much from the grocery store during Lent--My pantry is fully stocked, and I keep buying things that are already in the pantry because I don't know what is in the way back!

Really, the hardest part is going to be refraining from eating out, as I eat out more than I should--I often don't feel like cooking when I get home.  I think that I'm going to need to be better about cooking on the weekends so that I can eat the leftovers all week long.  I'm also going to need to be better about telling friends no when they mention going to eat after running.  At least I will have the excuse of, "Sorry. I gave it up for lent."

Ash Wednesday is March 5th this year

The real question is what to do with the money that I don't spend...One of the traditional disciplines of Lent is almsgiving, but it would also be nice to pay off more of my debt, so I can't really give it all away.  However, I will be upping my giving from the money that I'm saving.  This is going to be fun and very informative.

The three traditional disciplines of Lent in Preparation for Easter: Fast, give, and pray.

What are you giving up for Lent?  Are you taking anything on?  How do you prepare for Easter?