The Best Laid Plans (PHFR #11)

You know those trees I planted back in November?  Well, of the three I planted, only one is still living--the digdogs destroyed the two that I planted in the back yard.  I'm probably going to have to buy older trees if I want to plant them in the back yard--preferably at a size that the dogs can't chew up.  I actually thought that all three of them had died, since the one in my side yard didn't begin blooming and putting out leaves when all of the rest of the trees in the neighborhood did.

So, when I saw this, it made me incredibly

Happy

It is blooming and putting out leaves!!!

Pretty/Real

And, the pollen counts and weather have been cooperating lately, so I've been spending more time outside again.  Have I mentioned before that I love my deck?  I do, and I really want to replace it/spruce it up.  Eventually, I may see about extending the roof so that it is covered and I can sit outside when it is raining, but that is a project for another year. :-)  No one told me when I bought my house that I would perpetually have projects that I want to do on it.  Don't get me wrong. I love my house as is, but I keep looking at things and thinking, "this room would be better if..."  One of these days, I'm going to look around and say, "this house is perfect." At least I hope so!

I'm not sure the dogs like spending the afternoon/evening outside as much as I do.

Of course, having the dogs means that at least some of the things I want to change are because of them...See the scratch marks on the screen door?  At some point, I want to change the screen door and back door to a set that has a built in doggie door through both of them.  Then I don't have to play the "I want out. No, I want in. No, I want out" game that they play sometimes, and I don't have to worry about them when I leave for work.

Compost bin update:  

So, the inexpensive option is not going to work for me... The youngest digdogs figured out how to get into it, and had a grand old time playing in the leaves.  Once they were done, this is what it looked like:

This is actually about 2 weeks ago. They have since spread the leaves around the yard further through play.

So, I'm kind of back to square one, and will probably be buying some wood and power tools in order to build something that is dog proof.  I was really hoping that the cheap option would work, at least for a while! I saw some pictures of a 3 bin system, which look like they might be workable. They better be pretty big bins, though, as the leaves you see in this picture is only half of my front yard, and the front trees have since lost the last of their winter coat (what kind of tree keeps hold of its dead leaves until it grows new ones, anyway???), along with boatloads of what reminds me of the pollen stamens of non-bearing mulberry trees.

Funny

Taking pictures of the animals is always a bit tricky: 

Are they real, or are they Robo-dogs?!?!?

I love this picture except for the eyes--It shows that Ginger is finally warming up to Sassy, and that they could eventually become friends. I keep hoping, anyway. I have other pictures of them together under the table, which is Ginger's safe place, but they are either too dark, or Ginger looks incredibly sad and long-suffering.  

An example: 

See? dark AND sad.

But then they do crazy stuff like this:

I'm really a cat, mom! I promise!

Ginger usually does stunts like this when she feels like I'm spending too much time focusing on something other than her--in this case, it was my computer, as I was working on grading.  

And, when they are just being cute and sweet, it is often so fleeting that, once you get your camera, you've missed it.  I was lucky to catch Ginger cuddling with Bubba, though.

My roommate actually took the picture--I'm quilting in the background.

There is a reason why people should not allow me near gardens: I have the black thumb of death.  The newest proof:

These mini roses were really beautiful before Spring Break, I promise!!!

I thought that making sure it was nice and moist before leaving for spring break would be enough, but this is what I came back to. Thankfully, they weren't that expensive, and I was able to enjoy them while they lasted.  Since I've been here, I've bought 3 plants for my office, and only one is still living--my first orchid died over the summer because I over-watered it while I was working from home, and my current orchid is thriving here in my office.  I may need to give it away before I leave for the summer, or it may be doomed as well!


Please go over to Like Mother, Like Daughter to visit others that are seeking to capture contentment in everyday life!

The Big Announcement...

So, I found out earlier this week that I'm going to be moving to Central TX for a new job, and I start on the 20th of this month.  So, I've been really busy with packing and taking care of last minute details, such as finding a place to live and a way to move our stuff. Things are coming together so that my niece can move with me, since she really wants to go to the junior college that I'm going to be working at--they have a veterinary tech. program, and the town has a university that has a veterinary program, so it will be a good move for both of us.  

This is a picture of the outside of the apartment we are trying to rent.  It has a yard for the digdogs, washer and dryer hookups, and a DISHWASHER!!!

As for what the job is, I will be teaching Communication Studies/Speech at the oldest Junior College in TX!  It looks like my schedule for the fall will be 5 sections of public speaking, and one section of Argumentation and Debate.  I've never taught the latter before, so I'm going to be busy keeping ahead of my students this semester.  Even so, I'm really excited, as teaching full-time is my dream job, and I have been jonesing for a chance to teach at the college level again.  

It also has the benefit of being about 3 hours away from where the Philosopher lives, so we will be able to see each other more often.  All things being equal, I would love it if we can see each other on a weekly basis, but realize that every other week is probably more realistic.  It is also only about 6 hours from my sister Sarah, so I'm going to get to see her more often as well.  She doesn't know it yet, but I'm probably going to crash her Thanksgiving dinner, as long as she will let me (although I don't know if it is really crashing if you ask permission!).  

The Philosopher sent these to me as a congratulations on the new job.  As far as I can remember, this is the first time anyone has ever sent me flowers.  I'm so blessed with him!

Because I'm moving, I'm probably not going to be writing very much in the next week or two, but will try to begin posting 3x per week once I'm settled so that all of you can keep up with what is going on in my life. All I know is that I'm really excited to be starting the next chapter in my life, and look forward to sharing the journey with all of you!

Finding My Poetry

I found her in the back corner:
Hidden behind the leftover
Rolls of Christmas paper
The extra curtain rods
And my long quilting ruler

I'd begun packing--
Sorting through the detritus
That naturally grows
Pile after careless pile
With every orbit of the sun.

This is why I love Lent:
An excuse to sift and discard
To slough off the mountains
That creep into my heart and my home
From thoughtless placement through disuse.

So, each year, I give, I store,
And I find anew:
Gems hidden with casual malice
In the corners, under piles
And forgotten

What is that box?
The dust billows in
Silent testimony to her
Years of sentry duty
Never moving, never moved

Never relieved of the
Weighty duty
To which she
Joyously volunteered.
She measured time grain

By tortuous grain
Beside tomes of heartfelt musings
Old movie stubs and
Flowers pressed between
Webster's words.

I dust her off
In gentle reverence
And catch up on changes,
Events, and the unending
Rhythm of daily life.

She smiles in amusement:
The slow trickle of time
Has not escaped her.
Though rusticated, she remains
My muse.

The Great Lenten Experiment

So, I've been thinking a lot about what to give up for Lent, and I haven't been able to figure any thing else out.  Most of my go-to stuff is either not an issue this year because I've already pretty much given them up (Starbucks for instance), or because I have to use it for work this time around (Social Media).  So, I've been racking my brain for what to give up for Lent.

Usually, I take something on and give something up--I read a book, add a prayer discipline, etc. in addition to giving something up. It is because of Lent several years ago that I still refrain from listening to music in my car on the way to work: I use that time for prayer instead.  I have also had some drastic failures...One year, I gave up all land animals for Lent.  I was able to make it through lent, but I hate fish.  I ended up eating a lot of tuna and meat-less meals.  I don't think I touched tuna again for close to a year!!!  Since then, I have set my sights on things that are less weighty: it has become a reset time for me.  I give up those things that I know are items that tend to eat up more and more of my time as time goes on--For many years, it was TV, and then it became Facebook/Social Media and Starbucks.  But, I have already cut Starbucks this year, and I am in charge of a contest at work that is using Social Media during the month of March.

Even though I'm feeling the creep of social media,  I can't cut it completely, so that isn't really a good Lenten discipline this year.  So, I think that I'm going to try something that I've always wanted to try...I'm going to make Lent a "Buy Nothing" Month.  Of course, I know that I will still need to buy food and gas, but basically, unless it is a necessity, I'm not going to buy it. My goal will be to stay under $200 for necessities each month for the (almost) two months of lent. Even then, I suspect that I'm not going to need much from the grocery store during Lent--My pantry is fully stocked, and I keep buying things that are already in the pantry because I don't know what is in the way back!

Really, the hardest part is going to be refraining from eating out, as I eat out more than I should--I often don't feel like cooking when I get home.  I think that I'm going to need to be better about cooking on the weekends so that I can eat the leftovers all week long.  I'm also going to need to be better about telling friends no when they mention going to eat after running.  At least I will have the excuse of, "Sorry. I gave it up for lent."

Ash Wednesday is March 5th this year

The real question is what to do with the money that I don't spend...One of the traditional disciplines of Lent is almsgiving, but it would also be nice to pay off more of my debt, so I can't really give it all away.  However, I will be upping my giving from the money that I'm saving.  This is going to be fun and very informative.

The three traditional disciplines of Lent in Preparation for Easter: Fast, give, and pray.

What are you giving up for Lent?  Are you taking anything on?  How do you prepare for Easter?

Listening to Silence

Before I went on my Camino, music was an integral part of my running routine.  I was always looking for that next song that would motivate me, help me keep my pace, and to be perfect for singing along to.  The idea of running without music sapped a lot of the joy from the idea of running.

My Compostela.  It is now in a frame, but I have yet to figure out where I'm going to hang it.  Part of me thinks it belongs in my bedroom, and part of me wants to bring it to work and hang it over my desk.

Then, I walked the Camino, and I spent 21 days in the quiet of my surroundings.  I learned to still my thoughts as I walked, and I found that having nothing on in the background was a blessing.  So often, we fill our surroundings with noise--sometimes so that we can drown out other sounds/noises, and sometimes so that we don't have to deal with the internal dialog.  When I am working, I actually prefer to work in silence, but because I work in a lab setting, I usually listen to music in order to block out the distractions of conversations, etc., going on around me.  It is why I like working in a corner where people don't always see me.  In doing so, I'm able to cut even more distractions around me.

My ear-buds--they are made to stay, even while running, and I love them! It doesn't hurt that they are purple, either!

When I first got back, I would turn on my music because I thought I had to in order to use my iPod Nano to record my run, then I would tuck my ear-buds into the strap of my bra.  It meant that I couldn't check my distance easily mid-run (my nano tells me through my ear-buds), but it allowed me to run with no music.  Instead, I could listen to the cadence of my feet, the crunch of the leaves, the flow of traffic, and the ebb and flow of my own thoughts.  Then I found a new setting--there is a "No Music" option!  So, now I run with at least one ear-bud in, but most of the time, there is no music playing.

This can be problematic when I am running with friends, as I tend to be more chatty without music playing, but the quiet is just another layer to the joy I find in running, especially when it is just me, Ginger, and the road.

As you can see, this is the standard response when we are about to go running, and it is heartbreaking when I have to go without her.  I'm convinced that she is mad at me for the rest of the day if I leave her behind.

When I am silent, I also find that I am attuned to things that I might otherwise miss.  Earlier this week, when I noticed that the plum trees outside my office were beginning to bloom, I also noticed that the local bee population had also found the blossoms.  Close to the tree, you could hear their buzzing, and I would have missed that if I hadn't been quiet both physically and internally. 

A bee visiting one of the plum trees near my office

Come Sunday, I will be running a repeat of the race that was my very first half marathon, and I'm of two minds about whether to listen to music or to run in the quiet.  I'm already looking forward to our footfalls on the pavement sounding like the sound of a hard rain hitting the roof, and the blessing of once again pitting myself against 13.1 miles.  I'm not expecting any major insights, but I also know that, when I listen to the silence, God will often whisper to me in that space.  It is when I let noise for the sake of noise creep in that I lose focus and balance.  I think that is also why many cloistered religious orders have some sort of rule about being silent for at least part of the day.  It carves out space where God can whisper to them.  May we all carve out spaces for silence in our lives, and may we listen to that silence.  Who knows?  Maybe the Lord is just waiting to speak!

This post is in response to the weekly writing challenge at http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2014/02/17/the-sound-of-silence/#more-69294 .  Go there to find out more, and/or add to the conversation!

The Economics of Toilet Paper

One of the staples of life...

There are some days when you think of the craziest things.  Remember those dispensers from High School?  You know, the ones with the single sheets that had the consistency of tissue paper and you needed a hundred sheets to keep your hands from getting wet? Weeeelll, one day as I was using the restroom here at work, and I started thinking about toilet paper, and how, when you buy the cheaper stuff, you end up using more of it.  There has to be some sort of balance between being frugal about toilet paper and getting a soft, cushy experience when doing your paperwork.  While I will grant you that the experience is of some importance--I don't want to be using crepe paper--it is also important not to be spending more for my toilet paper than I need to.

This is similar to the toilet paper that I used while I was in Mongolia, although that really DID look like mauve crepe paper!

So, I have seriously been thinking about doing the great toilet paper experiment...Buying one roll of all of the options of toilet paper from the store and seeing which lasts the longest for the lowest amount of money, and which makes doing my paperwork bearable, if not a joy.  I'm not sure I will actually do it, but it is interesting to contemplate in those moments when there is nothing else to occupy my mind.  ;-)

remember these?

Packed and Unpacking

Last night, I got help from one of my friends in order to pack my back-pack, and it feels a little weird to be able to say that I'm all packed for my trip next week.  Honestly, I don't know if I've EVER been packed this far in advance before, and I seriously doubt that it will ever happen again!  Final Tally for my backpack: 17.6 lbs, plus a fanny pack that weighs another 3.6 lbs.  It is more than I would have liked, but it includes my hiking boots and my walking poles, so I will actually be walking with less than that on my back.  I'm pretty proud of myself for that, even if it IS more weight than I really wanted to take with me.

Because I was going to my friend's house straight from work, I brought my gear with me...When my boss saw the fanny pack, his comment was that I would look like a dork wearing the fanny pack.  I actually agree with him, but don't know how else to keep tabs on my passport, etc.  I would rather look like a dork than worry about losing my passport!

The amazing thing is that I actually have extra room in my backpack (Unlike most trips, I didn't have to do this!)--This is good, since it means I will be able to do things like carry a little food while I am walking, as well as be able to fill my water bladder!

I'm also getting close to where I need to be for work, and as long as my professors cooperate, I will have everything in good shape for while I'm gone.  I still have some cleaning at home to do, as well as to do some purging so that I have a place for all of the stuff I plan to keep, but the plan is to do that on Saturday morning, especially since my niece will be waking me up at 6 AM in order to get a good start on the day before I bring my nephews to their football game in the afternoon.  Then, the Bishop is going to be at the vigil Mass on Saturday, so I want to go to that as well.  After that, the plan is to go dancing with my Niece, since she needs some time with me before I leave.  I'm not sure that I can shoehorn anything else into Saturday if I tried!!!

The cart is my weekend, and I am feeling a little bit like the Burro!

My brother and his wife is also coming into town this weekend, so I wouldn't mind visiting with him a little bit at some point...We have a family dinner planned for Monday, so that may be the first time I can see him, but we will see.  I'm not sure what else is planned at this point, so until I know, I can't plan much better than what I have.

It is only 7 days until I board a plane for Spain and I am beginning to get excited about my trip, although I am also dreading all of the things I still need to complete before I go.  As time accelerates, my To Do List seems to get longer rather than shorter--and this is in SPITE of actually finishing items on my list!  At the end of these 7 days, whether I finish everything on my list or not, I'm still heading toward the airport at 4 AM on August 29th, as well as  boarding the plane at 6 AM.

I am flying Delta, then AirFrance (Operated by Delta) to Madrid...Unfortunately, I have a 6 hour layover in Atlanta.

So, the physical stuff is getting taken care of, and my attention has been drifting toward the spiritual side of my pilgrimage lately.  It has been heading in that direction for a while, but the scripture passage that I feel like the Lord wants me to memorize has been steering me more in that direction...

As I mentioned in my last post, I will be memorizing Isaiah 54 while on my Camino, which is a bit of a difficult passage, since it could very well point to me having a vocation as a religious sister.  (see verse 5, for instance, or even the first verse, where it talks about the desolate one having more children than her who is married.)  I don't know for sure that I will be heading in that direction, but I feel like the Lord wants me to prepare for...SOMETHING...on this trip.  I have already been working on memorizing this passage a little bit, and the second verse points to preparation--for making room--for what God wants to give me:

Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; hold not back, lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. (emphasis mine)

So, I've been thinking about and working on UN-packing the clutter and baggage that I have in my spirit/emotions.  This isn't always easy, just as it isn't always easy to clean out our closets--most of us have that ONE outfit that, even though it doesn't fit right anymore, we keep, either because "I will be able to fit into it again one day." or "But I wore that outfit when..."  I think that we do this spiritually as well, and in the process, we don't have room for the blessings and lessons that God wants to give us.  Instead, we are too busy thinking, "Remember how much God blessed me way back when?"  or, "Why can't God bless me the way He did 3 years ago?!?"  Sometimes, we think more along the lines of, "I deserve to hold on to my anger at So-and-So because of what they did to me."  or "It is OK if I continue to do X.  It is only a little sin. God understands."  And, the next thing we know, our spiritual house looks more like that of a hoarder's house than as the Tabernacle of Worship that it is supposed to be.

Does your heart look like this?

Really, I have been working on this since my divorce, but the process has been accelerating of late--I can let go of things I never thought I would be able to, and in the process, I have found a source of peace and joy that I had forgotten was available.  I have been learning that both the Good and the Bad, when I hold on to it with inordinate attachment, can be just as cluttering as the other.  I learned back in High School that the Lord gives us blessings in order for us to bless others--when I hold on to them, my heart becomes a stagnant pool and I start to grow spiritual scum, or I start to accumulate things that I don't need anymore, like the picture above. I don't want to be like that, so I am learning to let go--in Catholic Parlance, it is being detached--not just from physical things, but from spiritual consolations as well.  How can the Lord do a new thing if I am clinging to the old?

I have a feeling that my Camino will make some things very clear to me, not just personally, but spiritually and professionally as well.  I'm excited to be walking this path, but I also know that I need to make room for God to move in my life.  So, in these last 7 days, I will continue the de-cluttering of my heart through prayer, confession, forgiveness, and extending a little grace to myself.  As I continue to prepare, please pray for me.

Going Alone

I have never really been a shrinking violet, scared of the unknown or of doing stuff by myself or on my own. I will admit that there are some things that I'm not able to do, with others or otherwise--anything that requires I fall from a height, for instance....even rappelling is out, since it requires that I let go of a perfectly good mountain!  I will admit to wanting to sky-dive at least once, but I also know that, if I'm the one responsible for jumping out of the plane, there is no way that this particular item on my bucket list will ever happen.  Unfortunately, that is the residual of having a fear of falling.  I can be up high all day as long as I feel safe from falling, but I even have trouble jumping off a high dive!

I would not be this happy if I ever jumped.  I suspect that the picture would basically show sheer terror on my part!

Even so, I went to Albania on a short term missions trip by myself when I was 16, I spent my senior year in Germany as an exchange student, and then I went to Mongolia to teach English for a summer when I was in College.  I have driven multiple long road trips across country by myself--the most memorable was the one where my car caught on fire, or maybe the one where I had a trucker try to pick me up via the CB my dad gave me--it was his way to make sure that I could get help if my car broke down in the middle of nowhere (this probably dates me, since I didn't have a cell phone and cell phones weren't common at the time).  

Honestly, I have no qualms about walking the Camino by myself, and I'm actually looking forward to the adventure.  I know how to be safe with my valuables by keeping them on my person at all times, and I have enough money in my budget that, if everything else is stolen, I can still finish my Camino.  If someone really needs my backpack and my hiking clothes that bad, they are welcome to them. I also know how to protect my person...my sister Sarah made sure of that in high school, and my superiors while working in the dorms finished the job with ways to get out of holds and run.  *shrugs*  I'm not going to be stupid, but if a situation comes up, I can deal with it.

Doing certain things alone still feel a little unnatural to me, though....I would prefer to go dancing, to a concert, or even to some races with other people rather than by myself.  I can and I do go by myself when I can't find anyone to go with me, but I have found that some things are better when shared.  For instance, last March, I completed a color run in ABQ...It was fun, but watching some of the other runners as they interacted with their groups, I realized that it would have been more fun with others, even if only to be able to make fun of how everyone else in my party looked at the end!  I'm hoping that doing things by myself will eventually feel normal.  While I'm really more of an introvert than an extrovert, I have no problems introducing myself to others, so I can make friends where ever I go, and really, that is part of the fun of being single again.

I am terrible at self-portraits.  This is the better of the 2 I took at the Color run back in March...This is probably a good thing, as I'm less likely to inundate here and my Facebook account with self-portraits!

These shoes turned every pair of socks green for the next 4 weeks!

I asked one of the volunteers to take a picture of me.  I showed them how to zoom, but they chose not to...

It is funny....Being single has a different kind of loneliness than the loneliness I experienced in my marriage. The loneliness I feel now is less sharp-edged, less painful....and it doesn't last as long either.  I haven't figured out exactly why yet, although I suspect that the loneliness in my pre-divorce days was mixed with feelings of rejection.  Whatever the real reason, I have come to realize that I may not have full control over whether or not I feel lonely, but I do have control over what I do with it.  I can mope and wallow, or I can go out and live my life.  When I do the latter, I end up making new friends and spending time with the friends that I have....which takes care of the loneliness.  Even when I end up doing something by myself, the act of living mutes the loneliness, if not extinguishes it completely.  It becomes a cricket singing outside my bedroom window rather than the drone of a mosquito inside my bedroom at 3 am.

So, I continue to work on being willing to venture out by myself, and in the process, I'm finding contentment. I'm blessed by friends, but I'm learning that I am also blessed by my own company.  It is ok to go to an event alone!

Is it possible to be a biblioholic??? (Or, Bibliophilia on a Budget)

I just checked, and I currently have 165 books in my wish list on Amazon, and that doesn't even count all of the books that I have in my wish list for Audible (41 in my wish list, plus 37 that I have bought and either never finished or never started), the physical books that I own or have borrowed with the intent to read them (25 by my current count), or the books that I will be reading this coming year for book-club... Unfortunately, I think that I end up adding 2-3 books to my list of books to read for every book that I end up buying and/or reading from my wish list.  That doesn't even include the number of books in my Amazon account that I have already bought (and likely have never read), or the number of ebooks that I have through Barnes and Noble. To be fair, most of the books I have with B&N are books that I have actually read, so I will discount them for the current discussion....

Thankfully, most of my unread books are electronic, or my bedroom would probably look something like this!

I'm afraid that I need to find a support group.  "Hi, My name is Ruth and I am addicted to free books..."  ("Hi, Ruth!") It all started when I found Bookbub...and then, I subscribed to their list.  When you subscribe, you basically say what kind of genres you like, and then you get a list of about 5-7 books that are all under about $3-4.  On my list, I always have a few of them that are free, and if the description is even semi-interesting, I just go ahead and download it.  Then, I found out that I could like them on Facebook, and get the book bargains in my news feed....in the process, I started getting a post daily about a book that was free.  This book is usually in my email, so in and of itself, it isn't that interesting.  However, one day, I decided to click on the link, and in the process, I found out that there are more free books than I get in my daily e-mail.  I started clicking the link daily, and then, much to my own amazement, I now have 415 books that I have downloaded, and I have maybe read 20-30 of them, all because of BookBub.

I read. A Lot.  In fact, I probably read 1-2 books a week with gusts up to 4 or 5 books per week, but when I am downloading 5-7 books A DAY, then there is clearly something wrong with this picture (I also probably listen to 1-2 audio books a month).  If I were to quit BookBub cold turkey, refrain from adding any other books to my wish lists, and keep up with a listening/reading quota of 2 books a week plus one audio book per month for the duration, it would take me about 5.5 years to read through the backlog, and 6.5 years to get through the backlog for audio books.  I clearly have a problem, and finding someone who will pay me to read books all day every day is unlikely (however, if you know of a job like that, I would love to hear about it!!!).

I must admit that I have been justifying my BookBub habit...I keep telling myself that I will be able to catch up while I am on my Camino--I will have my iPad Mini with me, so I might as well put it to good use in the evenings by reading, right? I just tallied it up, people, and I have a total of about 575 unread books either in my possession or on my wish list, 385 of which I own in ebook format.  I will be on the Camino for 21 days, so I would have to read 18.3 books a day just to get through all of my ebooks....*shakes her head and laughs*  Even if I were a speed reader, and I'm not, this is not possible! 

Actually, I really just need to weed out the "that sounded interesting at the time" books, the "it doesn't sound boring and it is free" books, and the "I really should read that because so-and-so told me it was good" books from the "I really need to read this for my job" books, the "This is our book-club book for the month," and the "I have been waiting for the last six months for the author to publish again" books.   I also need to be more willing to quit reading a book if it isn't interesting or well written--even though the author isn't sitting there looking over my shoulder,  I often feel like I am insulting them if I don't finish their books.  I can actually count on one hand the number of books that I have purposely never finished and still have fingers left over:  Portrait of the Artist as a Young man; Heart of Darkness; and Pet Cemetery.  The first two were assigned to me in High School, and I just couldn't get to the place where they were interesting...when we quit studying them, I quit reading, even though I wasn't done.  That last book scared me so much that I had nightmares after reading the first chapter! I decided that I didn't need to finish the book, and have actually never read another Steven King novel because of my experiences with that one book.  I have a few other books that I have started with the intention of finishing, but haven't gotten around to completing yet....However, they are non-fiction books, so they are not always meant to be read in one sitting: I don't count them in the above list because of their very nature as non-fiction books.

So, I have made the first step--I have an unread book problem.  How does one learn moderation in acquiring books?  And, how do you determine what you should read?    I would be interested to hear your process for choosing books, both fiction and non-fiction.  And, if I get lost among the pixels, someone may have to complete an intervention on me.  "I'm Ruth, and I am addicted to free books."

This is day 5 of 7.  Go check out all of the other people that picked up the gauntlet that Jennifer Fulweiler threw down!

Blank Journals and Temptation

Since it is now less than 8 weeks before I leave for my Camino, I have begun the process of making a prayer list in the back of the Journal I plan to take with me--It will be things that I plan to pray for daily on my Camino, and I already have several things I know I want to pray about...so, it wasn't that hard to begin the list.  This was a mistake, though.  You see, I have kept every journal that I have ever written (well, almost--there is one, maybe two volumes that have been lost in one of my many moves), and if you were to look at them, you would notice something rather curious....most of them have something like 20-30 pages blank at the back of them.

This is a picture of one of the pages of my current journal...that particular day, my dog had put her nose on the paper in the hopes that I would pay attention to her...I traced around her nose, then embellished it. 

I don't know what it is about my journals, but once I have written in the same tome for weeks and months, there comes a point when I start itching to start a new Journal.  I start perusing the blank book racks at Barnes and Noble, looking for just the right shape, size, and color.  I start counting how many more pages I have, in order to begin gauging how much longer I need to write in THIS particular book, and, if it is spiral bound, I start to tear out pages from the back in order to, hopefully, make the journal fill up faster.  Sometimes, it is because I know that I am at a new place in my life, and I am just ready.  Sometimes, it is just that I'm sick of looking at the same cover over and over.  And, sometimes, it is because I have made the mistake and actually bought my next journal....I just begin to yearn to put pen to paper and fill the beautiful, pristine pages!

My journal often becomes a bit of a scrap-book...this is the bib from the 25k I ran in San Antonio this past May.  I will often add tickets, postcards, etc.  This particular journal also has some of the correspondence from the Tribunal pasted in it, and the journal I took with me to Mongolia in college has letters from home pasted in...It is why I will be taking a glue stick with me on my Camino.

This time around, I am using one of the many blank journals laying around my house (I don't want to be caught without a new Journal if I need it--horror of horrors!--do I?!?), rather than buying a new journal.  I have actually decided that I want to use up the majority of my blank journals before I am willing to buy a new one again, since having 7 empty journals sitting on my bookshelf seems a little excessive to me.  I've also thought about getting back into a habit of decorating my own journals again...I used to buy spiral bound sketch books, then made collages on the front cover.  I would then laminate them by covering the collages with clear packing tape.  The only problem is that I don't get any magazines, so I don't have a ready stash of pictures anymore that I can use on collages.  I  would rather use someone else's pictures, since my drawing is rudimentary at best.

This is an example of my sketching ability.  About the only thing I am good at drawing is ivy, and you will often find blank space being filled with meandering ivy in my journals.

So, you are wondering why it is so dangerous for me to begin readying my journal for my trip?  Well, I've currently got about 20 pages remaining in my current Journal, and I really want to wait to begin a new journal until I leave for my Camino.  I'm just not sure that it will last for the 51 days that I have left until I leave, and I really don't want my Camino Journal to have anything in it but my Camino.  I'm afraid that one of the following scenarios will happen:

1. I will run out of pages in my current journal, and then begin using my Camino journal, only to not have enough pages to get me through my trip (I know that they have blank books in Spain, but I would rather have everything in one place).
2. I will run out of pages, and then begin a new journal for here at home, but save my Camino Journal for my trip....I hate the idea of having 2 journals going on at the same time, although this is probably the most likely scenario at the moment.
3. I will run out of pages, and then just wait until I leave for my Camino to write in my journal again--this idea is just WRONG.  I haven't been without a journal since I was 14, and I don't want to start now!
4. I will get impatient with filling my current journal, and then begin using my Camino Journal just because I don't want to write in my current journal anymore (this could also hold true for a different journal than my Camino Journal as well).
5. I will begin rationing how much I can write in my journal because I want to wait for my trip to start a new journal.

As you can see from the stack of pages on the right, I am currently at the end-game of this journal...I have exactly 21 pages left!

I think the real reason why it is dangerous to begin working on my Camino Journal is that I've turned a corner this last week, and I'm ready to start a new stage in my healing.  Somehow, starting a new journal is a symbolic gesture for me, and has been for a long time--I started my current journal shortly after my divorce was final. Nothing in my regular, day-to-day existence changed, but I had an attitude shift that was a long time coming.  I'm still not sure which scenario above will hold sway, but I'm sure that I want to chronicle all that God is doing in my life, so only time will tell.  I will try to white-knuckle it and continue to use the journal I am currently in, then make a decision when I have used the last page (or when I can't stand to use this particular journal any longer!!!).

I also like to add quotes that hit me for one reason or another.  I often try to write about the quote and what I like about that particular quote, but not always.  Sometimes, I will put a quote in randomly in my journal--when I do that, it usually has no embellishment or elaboration because it was originally written in the middle of blank pages.  When I finally get to the quote, it is often not as relevant to what is on my heart anymore.

Freedom and Following

Sunday's Mass readings revolve around the idea of Freedom and what it is, starting with the calling of Elisha by Elijah in I Kings 19:16, 19-21.  What hits me most about this reading is that, even though Elisha would like to tell his parents good-bye, he is willing to kill his yoke of oxen, cook it by torching his plowing equipment, and then uses the meat to feed the other workers there.  From my perspective, Elisha uses a scorched earth policy....It is almost like he knows that, if he leaves the yoke and oxen still there, he will go back to his old life, not continue to follow God's plan for his life.  All of us have those areas, I think...relationships, habits, time wasters, etc.  that the only way we can root them out of our lives is to scorch the earth with God's cleansing fire.

As some of you know, I am in the process of transitioning to a carless existence, partly because I can, and partly because I need to pay off some debts in order to go back to school, and this is the best way to do so that I can think of.  It has meant changing some of my routines, and learning to get up earlier than I am used to, but it is nice to let someone else fight traffic while I use the time to read, pray, and even update this blog!  I have to say that I am looking forward to being carless, partly because getting rid of THINGS is freeing on its own....ever since I heard about the 100 item challenge a few years ago, I've always wondered if I could be content with under 100 personal items, including clothes.  Really, I tend to wear the same outfits over and over, anyway, so why keep the clothes I might wear only once a year or less? Honestly, I doubt I could get to that small a number of items, but I could probably get down to like 200, if I were to work at it....do I really need like 30 pair of socks and 20 t-shirts (this is an exaggeration--I have no idea how many of either I have, but I do know that it is more than I really need)? In some ways, I am already working on this because I have started only buying digital books rather than hard copies, and have begun doing the same for music.  I prefer to rent DVDs  or stream movies/shows rather than own them, and I haven't touched the DVDs I own since my ex moved out.  I'm not ready to get rid of the DVDs I own yet, but I see it happening in the future, especially if I ever take the time to make sure that all of them are available via Netflix.  Not quite a true scorched earth policy, but I suspect that there is a bit of an ascetic living in me underneath all this stuff.  

Of course, Elisha's sacrificing of his yoke of oxen and his plow was more than just getting rid of stuff.  That is only part of the puzzle--I can't just move away from, but I also need to move TO something. Elisha's actions were a declaration of allegiance to God and His plan.  This is why all religious orders require you to make a vow of poverty...it is a way to consciously choose to put Christ above all else.   And, I think this is where the second reading from Gal. 5:1, 13-18 and the gospel message in Luke 9:51-62 come in.  One of the things St. Paul says is that we shouldn't let ourselves get put back into slavery because, when Christ sets us free, we are truly and completely free--and that freedom comes from following Christ and loving our neighbor.  Today, a friend posted this blog post on her Facebook wall, and I feel like it ties into this--it is more than just avoiding issues where we might be tempted, as this blogger mentions, but we have to rely on God to help us change our attitudes.

What I found most interesting about the gospel reading was that one of the disciples says something similar to what Elisha says to Elijah, "let me go say goodbye to my parents, first". And Jesus tells the man that he shouldn't look back, just like a man guiding a plow shouldn't look back if he wants to create a straight furrow.  I've never completely understood this passage--It is one of those times when I wish we could see what Jesus' facial expression was, just as I wish I could have seen the face of the man.  You almost get the impression that this particular disciple was looking for an excuse to leave and never come back, so Jesus calls him on it.

I don't think I have it in me to torch all of my stuff in order to follow Christ, like Elisha did, but I can consciously live with less, and in the process, ask the Lord to help me draw closer to Him.  I believe that living without a car is a good first step.