I love this song from the Shrek soundtrack. It is the only soundtrack that I bought immediately after seeing the film for the first time--mostly because of this song. While this song is very somber, there is nothing somber about the Easter season. Somberness is reserved for lent.
In lent, the flowers on the altar become more understated or disappear altogether; We quit saying Alleluia before the Gospel reading; we omit the Gloria at the beginning of Mass as well. Worship becomes stark, and it reinforces the idea that now is the time to fast, pray, and do penance.
And then, Easter comes. Just as with many things in Catholicism, the order of worship reflects the feelings and tone of that part of the liturgical year. This is why the Easter Vigil has to be my favorite service of the year. It begins outside the sanctuary by a bonfire as the sun is setting. Then, the Christ candle is lit from the bonfire while the Story of Christ's death and resurrection are briefly recounted through the Easter Proclamation. Then, from the Christ candle, candles that each participant holds are lit. Traditionally, the sanctuary remains dark for the first part of the Mass, except for the candles that the congregants hold. Then, the Priest, as he is entering the sanctuary, says, loudly, "The light of Christ" and we respond, "Thanks be to God." This part always brings to mind the verses from Isaiah 9:
The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
Upon those who lived in a land of gloom
a light has shone.
What I love most about the Easter Vigil, though, is the fact that the whole of the salvation story is recounted. There are 7 readings from the Old Testament that are traditionally read (although you usually only hear 4 for the sake of time), as well as a reading from the New Testament and the Gospel narrative of the resurrection. Then, any adults that are entering the Church receive the sacraments of initiation (Baptism if needed, First Communion, and Confirmation). I love this part, too, as it reminds me of when I entered the Church.
On this night, we also sing/say the Gloria and the Alleluia for the first time in 7 weeks, and every time it makes my heart sing. I find that, as we go from darkness to light, from fasting to feasting, from penance to praise, I am reminded of the verse in the Psalm 30:
For his anger lasts but a moment;
his favor a lifetime.
At dusk weeping comes for the night;
but at dawn there is rejoicing.
And then, the Easter Season begins. I love this, too. For, Easter doesn't end with one day. It lasts until Pentecost Sunday, and we officially celebrate Easter for 8 weeks. What a blessing that is--to remember the joy of Christ's resurrection for longer than we were "rending [our] hearts and not [our] garments" (Joel 2:13).
So, the liturgical year reminds me once again that weeping and rejoicing both have a place in my life. Sometimes, like in the song above, I rejoice through my tears--and when I do, sometimes that rejoicing is "a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah". For I often know that God has asked me to give up or has taken away from me those things which keep me from Him. In the process, I become better, more grounded, and ultimately, more like Him. May we grow closer to Jesus as we rejoice in this Easter season, just as we did in the fasting of Lent, and may we never lose sight of how much He did for us!
This week has been a difficult week for sticking to my commitment to take the bus to work...On Monday, I overslept until 7 AM, so I had to take my car in order to get to work on time (setting your alarm for 5 PM instead of 5 AM is not conducive for waking up on time...). I also took my car today because I am going to running club as soon as I am done with work, and it is easier to get home when I take my car. For the most part, I agree with friends that keeping my car is a good idea so that I don't have to depend on others for going to the grocery store, etc. on weekends. I really like the idea of saving the money that I can by not owning/using my car...2 days in a row is definitely not what I had planned, and I will likely use my car at least one more time this week, since it is the only way that I can make it to the free Lee Brice concert at the local Army base on Friday.
One good thing about using my car is that I can make it to daily Mass like I did today, and I really like being able to do that. I have given back my parking sticker, though, so I can't park on campus anymore....it helps me to keep my resolve to take the bus and use my car less. Right now, it isn't that difficult to find a place to park on the street, but once the regular semester starts, I suspect that it will get much more difficult. More than likely, if the car doesn't sell, then I will continue to take my car on Tuesdays, and maybe one other day a week. That gives me the ability to go to daily Mass or to Confession before work on those days, and I still save gas by taking the bus all of the other days of the week. It will also mean that I can start using the campus pool again, too. It will mean that I will be helping the environment, but I won't be helping my pocketbook. I use between 3 and 4 tanks of gas a month when I drive every day, and I usually budget about $120/month for gas. I know that I can probably keep my gas consumption down to 2 tanks of gas a month. Of course, that is only if I take my car to work 2x/week or less, and then take the bus the rest of the time. A bus pass is about the equivalent of one tank of gas at $30, so there really is no savings unless I can use my car even less. (A tank of gas is usually about $35-40, since it is an 11 gallon tank) Well, I guess you could say that I'm still ahead, since I'm not paying for a parking sticker, which is $20/month...however, if it gets too hard to find parking, I will likely have to add that expense back.
The back of my car before I removed the 13.1 sticker when I was thinking about selling it. There is one person that is looking at the car, and if they decide they want it, I will sell it (I kind of promised that I would). Otherwise, I will be keeping the car.
At the same time, I keep asking myself this question, especially since I am probably keeping my car at this point: If I can get up at 5 AM in order to ride the bus every morning, how is that better than making the commitment and getting up at 6 AM in order to go to daily Mass, especially since there is no real monetary savings? I can make all the arguments about the extra exercise and how it is better for the environment, but the real motivator has always been cold hard cash for this decision. How is my bottom line (both literally and figuratively) more important than my spiritual well-being?
Somewhere over the last year, I quit getting up to go to daily Mass, and I'm not sure why....when my marriage was at its hardest, going to daily Mass sustained me in ways that nothing else did, not even running. As I was driving to daily Mass this morning, I started thinking about how Eucharist means "thanksgiving," and that it fits nicely with my current journal theme of gift, for it is Christ giving Himself to us, but also us giving ourselves to Him in the Mass. I want to get back into the practice of going to daily Mass, and I can only do that if I keep my car....where riding the bus, staying fit, and managing my time fits into all of this, I don't know, but I do know that it is time to quit being spiritually lazy.
So, I need to begin planning my life around going to daily Mass, monthly Adoration, and running again. I did that really well as my marriage was falling apart around me, but haven't kept that up in the time since my ex moved out. I think that I got complacent because I didn't NEED these things just to function anymore. In the process, months and years of discipline have given way to a little bit of sloth on my part....it shows in my huffing and puffing as I run, as well as in the spiritual flabbiness that I have been noticing. I don't know what I will eventually decide about transportation to work, but I do know that I want to make my relationship with God my first priority. If I do that, everything else will fall into place the way that it is supposed to.
I am blogging every day this week....go see Jen Fulweiler's blog for a list of others that are doing the same!
Sunday's Mass readings revolve around the idea of Freedom and what it is, starting with the calling of Elisha by Elijah in I Kings 19:16, 19-21. What hits me most about this reading is that, even though Elisha would like to tell his parents good-bye, he is willing to kill his yoke of oxen, cook it by torching his plowing equipment, and then uses the meat to feed the other workers there. From my perspective, Elisha uses a scorched earth policy....It is almost like he knows that, if he leaves the yoke and oxen still there, he will go back to his old life, not continue to follow God's plan for his life. All of us have those areas, I think...relationships, habits, time wasters, etc. that the only way we can root them out of our lives is to scorch the earth with God's cleansing fire.
As some of you know, I am in the process of transitioning to a carless existence, partly because I can, and partly because I need to pay off some debts in order to go back to school, and this is the best way to do so that I can think of. It has meant changing some of my routines, and learning to get up earlier than I am used to, but it is nice to let someone else fight traffic while I use the time to read, pray, and even update this blog! I have to say that I am looking forward to being carless, partly because getting rid of THINGS is freeing on its own....ever since I heard about the 100 item challenge a few years ago, I've always wondered if I could be content with under 100 personal items, including clothes. Really, I tend to wear the same outfits over and over, anyway, so why keep the clothes I might wear only once a year or less? Honestly, I doubt I could get to that small a number of items, but I could probably get down to like 200, if I were to work at it....do I really need like 30 pair of socks and 20 t-shirts (this is an exaggeration--I have no idea how many of either I have, but I do know that it is more than I really need)? In some ways, I am already working on this because I have started only buying digital books rather than hard copies, and have begun doing the same for music. I prefer to rent DVDs or stream movies/shows rather than own them, and I haven't touched the DVDs I own since my ex moved out. I'm not ready to get rid of the DVDs I own yet, but I see it happening in the future, especially if I ever take the time to make sure that all of them are available via Netflix. Not quite a true scorched earth policy, but I suspect that there is a bit of an ascetic living in me underneath all this stuff.
Of course, Elisha's sacrificing of his yoke of oxen and his plow was more than just getting rid of stuff. That is only part of the puzzle--I can't just move away from, but I also need to move TO something. Elisha's actionswere a declaration of allegiance to God and His plan. This is why all religious orders require you to make a vow of poverty...it is a way to consciously choose to put Christ above all else. And, I think this is where the second reading from Gal. 5:1, 13-18 and the gospel message in Luke 9:51-62 come in. One of the things St. Paul says is that we shouldn't let ourselves get put back into slavery because, when Christ sets us free, we are truly and completely free--and that freedom comes from following Christ and loving our neighbor. Today, a friend posted this blog post on her Facebook wall, and I feel like it ties into this--it is more than just avoiding issues where we might be tempted, as this blogger mentions, but we have to rely on God to help us change our attitudes.
What I found most interesting about the gospel reading was that one of the disciples says something similar to what Elisha says to Elijah, "let me go say goodbye to my parents, first". And Jesus tells the man that he shouldn't look back, just like a man guiding a plow shouldn't look back if he wants to create a straight furrow. I've never completely understood this passage--It is one of those times when I wish we could see what Jesus' facial expression was, just as I wish I could have seen the face of the man. You almost get the impression that this particular disciple was looking for an excuse to leave and never come back, so Jesus calls him on it.
I don't think I have it in me to torch all of my stuff in order to follow Christ, like Elisha did, but I can consciously live with less, and in the process, ask the Lord to help me draw closer to Him. I believe that living without a car is a good first step.
I had an interesting conversation with my brother, his wife, and my niece last night. In the process, we started to talk about a specific sin, and how I should conceivably and willingly put myself into a near occasion for sin (for those that don't know, a "near occasion for sin" is when you put yourself into a situation where you know you will be tempted to sin or where you know will tempt others to sin by your actions. For instance, taking a recovering alcoholic bar-hopping would be a near occasion for sin.). When I protested and said that doing so wasn't safe, my brother told me, "Ruth, _______ is not the unpardonable sin." Then my niece pipes up and says, "You can just go to confession afterwards!" While we all laughed at the time and the conversation moved on, I found myself thinking about this conversation and some of the assumptions that underlie this attitude as I was falling asleep last night.
First, I have to say that, on its face, both what my brother and my niece said are correct--God is merciful, and He has given us the means to be forgiven. That is the reason that Jesus died on the cross, as well as why Jesus instituted Confession/Reconciliation at the end of the Gospel of John. I am testimony to that fact--He has forgiven me for my suicide attempt 12 years ago, among MANY other things, and for that I will ever be grateful. So, it wasn't really WHAT was said, so much as HOW it was said. Whether you are Catholic or Protestant, all of us agree that God is merciful and that He forgives. This is the greatest reason that I love the Divine Mercy Chaplet--it reminds me of what Christ did for me, as well as the fact that His mercy is fathomless. This chaplet and image was a revelation to St. Faustina, and her diaries are on my list of books to read....Read the explanation St. Faustina was given about this picture in the caption...
The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the Water which makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls. These two rays issued forth from the depths of My tender mercy when My agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross. Happy is the one who will dwell in their shelter, for the just hand of God shall not lay hold of him
I want to dwell in the shelter of Christ's love and mercy, but I don't think that putting myself into a near occasion of sin is the way to do so. When you take this idea, it feels too much like the argument St. Paul is refuting in Romans 6: 1-18 (I'm only going to quote vs. 15-18 here).
What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? Of course not! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, although you were once slaves of sin, you have become obedient from the heart to the pattern of teaching to which you were entrusted. Freed from sin, you have become slaves of righteousness.
For me, willingly walking into a situation of a near occasion of sin is like willingly presenting myself to become a slave to that sin, and I only want to be a slave of Christ. The verse that has been on a continuous loop in my brain, though, is something Jesus himself said (John 14:15-21):
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always, the Spirit of truth, which the world cannot accept, because it neither sees nor knows it. But you know it, because it remains with you, and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me, because I live and you will live.On that day you will realize that I am in my Father and you are in me and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and observes them is the one who loves me. And whoever loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and reveal myself to him.”
So, the way that I show my love for God is to follow Him and keep His commandments--I can't do that if I'm purposely setting myself up to sin. Even if I am able to resist the temptation (and that is doubtful--the fact that I'm willing to put myself into the situation in the first place says that I'm already half-way to consenting), I am giving myself permission to disobey because "Jesus will forgive me." In Catholic-ese, this is probably the graver sin--I'm guilty of presumption. I am saying that I don't need to repent in order to be forgiven by God, and no matter what faith tradition you come from, repentance means we must accept God's gift of salvation. When I presume upon Christ's Mercy, I am basically saying that He is going to force His love on me and make me become someone that I clearly do not want to become. According to CS Lewis,
In creating beings with free will, omnipotence from the outset submits to the possibility of such defeat. What you call defeat, I call miracle: for to make things which are not Itself, and thus to become, in a sense, capable of being resisted by its own handiwork, is the most astonishing and unimaginable of all the feats we attribute to the Deity. I willingly believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful, rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside. I do not mean that the ghosts may not wish to come out of hell, in the vague fashion wherein an envious man "wishes" to be happy: but they certainly do not will even the first preliminary stages of that self-abandonment through which alone the soul can reach any good. --The Problem of Pain
If I have learned anything from my divorce, I have learned that none of us has the power to change or fix another human being. I believe my ex married me a little less than a year after my suicide attempt because he knew that I was vulnerable and it gave him a chance that he wouldn't otherwise have had to date me. I also believe that he wanted to rescue me, but really, only I could rescue myself by resting in the Mercy of God. As the Lord healed me, I stayed because I felt that I needed to live with the consequences of my mistake. More than that, I hoped that my ex would grow and change as time went on, but no amount of wishing, hoping, praying, nagging, or ultimatums changed my ex's actions or attitudes--he has to make that decision to change for himself.
And, that is why I won't be following my brother's advice from last night's conversation. I like the changes that God has wrought in me, and I want Him to continue to make me more like Him--I don't see that happening if I create situations where I am purposely presenting myself to be a slave of sin. Instead, I will present myself to Christ. When He sets you free, you will be free indeed!
Yes, I know that it is about drinking, and I don't particularly like that part of it, but it reminds me of my college years, since it came out the year that I graduated with my BA....Considering that I really didn't emotionally become a rebellious teenager until after I graduated with my BA, it is part of what I would consider my youth.
It also has a very good message to it--kind of like one of my favorite songs from the Fred and Ginger movies...(it isn't my favorite dance scene with them, though...if you want to see that, click here).
While I have been here in San Antonio this past week, I needed to go to Confession, and these 2 songs are really part of the reason why I think that Confession probably ties for my favorite Sacrament with the Blessed Sacrament. I always dread going, but I'm always so incredibly blessed in having gone. What always strikes me is that, even though I almost always have a different Confessor when I go, the Lord seems to always speak to me through the priest, and will often get to the heart of what I am struggling with.
When I was still in the process of converting from Protestantism, my sister Sarah asked me about confession, and her big question was "Why do you have to confess to a priest?" I could have whipped out my Bible and showed her in John 20:21-23 where Jesus Delegated/gave the power to forgive sins to his Disciples, and then explain how that Authority has been passed on from them to priests. I could have explained that, when a priest says, "I absolve you," He is acting "In Persona Christi" --he is a flesh and blood stand-in for Christ in that moment--While I am sitting across from the priest, I am not only telling them to him, but to Christ who is the one who forgives my sins. I could have talked about how there is something incredibly powerful to physically hear that my sins are forgiven--I don't know about anyone else, but as a protestant, I tended to ask the Lord to forgive me over and over for each incidence of my sins. When I confess to a priest, the physical act of doing so helps me, more than anything else, to truly leave my brokenness and sinfulness at the foot of the Cross.
I could have talked about how humbling myself to admit my sins to another person acts both as a change agent and as a deterrent in the future--and the nice thing about doing so with a priest is that I don't have to worry about it going viral (I've actually read blogs and heard talks by priests about confession, and one thing all of them seem to say is that God gives them the gift of forgetfulness--they don't remember what we say in the confessional). Instead, I talked about the fact that part of the confession process is to get a little bit of advice from the priest about how to get out of the habit of sinning. For me, that is probably the best part of Confession--I'm getting help to break the habits and behaviors that strangle or cut off the Grace God wants to give me daily. I actually correlated it with going to a psychologist, and I have to say that I found her response rather humorous--she changed the subject because I was "making too much sense" for her comfort!
I also think that I am naturally gravitating toward songs like this because of my divorce...I feel like my life is kind of starting over--and I've been going a little crazy with trying to catch up on things that I have always wanted to do but never have...this past week, I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly, for instance (and no liquid courage was involved: I got up there of my own volition, and had a blast jamming out to the music)--the evening didn't end as nicely as I would have liked, but the beginning of the night was just a lot of good clean fun. I also sang karaoke for the first time in my life (and I want to do it again!!!)! I'm beginning to learn that it is okay to be a little crazy at times, and to let my crazy side out, within reason. I'm learning to figure out my own boundaries again as I get re-acquainted with myself.
It is funny, because I thought that my suicide attempt 12 years ago taught me about all of my limits and who I was--where my rock bottom was, and exactly how much pain/hurt/anguish I could handle. Now, I'm beginning to learn about the boundaries on the other side of my life--things like what is and isn't fun for me; whether getting buzzed should be a part of that equation (it isn't--life is more fun when you aren't buzzed, IMHO), and how much I'm willing to drink socially (the usual limit is 1 drink, although I will extend that to 3 over the course of a night if we are out for a long time or it is a special occasion). I'm discovering that I am more than the internal commentary in my ex's voice about how I have no sense of humor, that I'm no fun, and that I have no singing voice. I am enjoying going out with friends and colleagues, especially when we go dancing or singing karaoke, but I also know that things will eventually calm down some--I'm not really a true party girl....Too often, I still feel like the awkward teenager who doesn't know how to react in social situations!
Even so, I want to get out and do things more than I have in the past. One thing that I've really been working on doing is increasing my circle of friends and reconnecting with old friends. I will probably never have a huge amount of really close friends, but it would be nice to have people I can call and plan stuff with, rather than spend most of my time sitting at home and reading. Honestly, I don't want to spend every night out doing stuff, but it is nice to have one to two nights a week where I am doing something social. That is why I love my running club so much, and why, even before I got divorced, I wasn't willing to miss my monthly book club unless I had a very good reason. At running club, I still feel very much like the awkward 13-year-old me trying to hang out with the cool kids, but I'm finally beginning to make real connections, so that feeling is slowly dissipating. Who knows? Maybe I will BE one of the cool kids by the time that I quit feeling like 13-year-old me!
So, I will leave you with two songs that have become my personal anthems lately, and are along the lines of the original song that started this post...
This is a song I fell in love with while playing Singstar at a friend's house. It also has the benefit of being a GREAT song to run to!
And this is just a great song about starting over, and about having hope that there is life after the pain. It is this song that makes me love Taylor Swift.
