Finding My Poetry

I found her in the back corner:
Hidden behind the leftover
Rolls of Christmas paper
The extra curtain rods
And my long quilting ruler

I'd begun packing--
Sorting through the detritus
That naturally grows
Pile after careless pile
With every orbit of the sun.

This is why I love Lent:
An excuse to sift and discard
To slough off the mountains
That creep into my heart and my home
From thoughtless placement through disuse.

So, each year, I give, I store,
And I find anew:
Gems hidden with casual malice
In the corners, under piles
And forgotten

What is that box?
The dust billows in
Silent testimony to her
Years of sentry duty
Never moving, never moved

Never relieved of the
Weighty duty
To which she
Joyously volunteered.
She measured time grain

By tortuous grain
Beside tomes of heartfelt musings
Old movie stubs and
Flowers pressed between
Webster's words.

I dust her off
In gentle reverence
And catch up on changes,
Events, and the unending
Rhythm of daily life.

She smiles in amusement:
The slow trickle of time
Has not escaped her.
Though rusticated, she remains
My muse.

Calluses

Earlier this week, I realized that I was losing the hard-earned calluses on my feet.  Considering that they were created in the places where I got blisters (the side of my left big toe, the ball of my right foot and on the heel of both feet), the process actually looks a little bit like it does when a blister pops and the skin flap comes off, but without the pain/weepiness involved.  Yes, I know, not the prettiest of mental pictures, but just a reality of not walking anymore.  The fact that I'm not doing near the exercise that I was makes me sad, as does the fact that I'm going to have to start all over again once I can actually handle walking more than a mile without pain again (and I'm currently at about .35 miles of running without pain!).  If nothing has brought home to me that I'm really not on the Camino anymore, this has.

Honestly,  getting over tendinitis has greatly restricted my exercising, although I am finally adding this part of my routine back into my days.  I have to say that  I will be incredibly happy when I can get up to 3-4 miles running again, but I'm thinking that it is going to take at least another month of recovery, even with taping up my ankles.  I found this really cool way to tape my feet for the type of tendinitis that I have, and I'm going to be trying it out later this weekend.  Keep your fingers crossed that it helps!

At this point, my goal is to be able to run about 3 miles by the time the beginning of December gets here, although I will be happy if I can run about 2/3 of that plus walk the rest.  I just don't want to lose the level of fitness that I have achieved, but every day that I'm not able to get out there is another day that I will be closer to my sedentary, unmotivated, couch potato self--an iteration of myself that I hope to never see again!!!

Losing my calluses made me think of other calluses I have lost.  You see, playing any kind of stringed instrument will give you calluses on your finger tips, and I spent most of my high school and college years getting and then losing calluses on my fingers, depending on how much I was practicing at the time.  When it comes to instruments, there comes a point when practicing becomes torture until those calluses form, and if you don't grit your teeth and fight through it, you will never develop the calluses you need to be able to play pain-free.

There is also a down side to calluses, though.  The thicker skin means that you don't have as fine of a sense of feeling through the calluses.  It protects you from the rubbing or the pressure, but it also means that you won't feel certain things as easily as you used to either, which made doing things like trying to pick up spilled straight pins more difficult than when I had no calluses.

A picture I drew in my journal while on the Camino.

Life has a way of putting Calluses on our hearts as well--those places where life or our own sin rubs or chafes us.  Before my Camino, my heart had a lot of calluses: my former daily life required that I protect myself just to get through the day.  In the Bible, this process of gaining calluses on our souls is often described as hardening our hearts, or that our hearts had become hearts of stone rather than hearts of flesh.  Walking the Camino began working on those calluses on my heart, softening them like a long soak in the tub softens calluses on the skin: you can now attack them with a pumice stone!  The Lord was scraping away on the hard places of my heart in order to expose tender, new flesh underneath. He's not done yet, but I'm closer to the tenderhearted person I used to be, and that, too, is part of the healing process.  I don't relish the process, but I like the result.  May the Lord help us all to lose the calluses on our hearts!

Cars, Communion, and Cash Flow

This week has been a difficult week for sticking to my commitment to take the bus to work...On Monday, I overslept until 7 AM, so I had to take my car in order to get to work on time  (setting your alarm for 5 PM instead of 5 AM is not conducive for waking up on time...).  I also took my car today because I am going to running club as soon as I am done with work, and it is easier to get home when I take my car.  For the most part, I agree with friends that keeping my car is a good idea so that I don't have to depend on others for going to the grocery store, etc. on weekends.  I really like the idea of saving the money that I can by not owning/using my car...2 days in a row is definitely not what I had planned, and I will likely use my car at least one more time this week, since it is the only way that I can make it to the free Lee Brice concert at the local Army base on Friday.

One good thing about using my car is that I can make it to daily Mass like I did today, and I really like being able to do that.  I have given back my parking sticker, though, so I can't park on campus anymore....it helps me to keep my resolve to take the bus and use my car less.  Right now, it isn't that difficult to find a place to park on the street, but once the regular semester starts, I suspect that it will get much more difficult.  More than likely, if the car doesn't sell, then I will continue to take my car on Tuesdays, and maybe one other day a week.  That gives me the ability to go to daily Mass or to Confession before work on those days, and I still save gas by taking the bus all of the other days of the week.  It will also mean that I can start using the campus pool again, too.  It will mean that I will be helping the environment, but I won't be helping my pocketbook.  I use between 3 and 4 tanks of gas a month when I drive every day, and I usually budget about $120/month for gas.  I know that I can probably keep my gas consumption down to 2 tanks of gas a month. Of course, that is only if I take my car to work 2x/week or less, and then take the bus the rest of the time.  A bus pass is about the equivalent of one tank of gas at $30, so there really is no savings unless I can use my car even less.  (A tank of gas is usually about $35-40, since it is an 11 gallon tank) Well, I guess you could say that I'm still ahead, since I'm not paying for a parking sticker, which is $20/month...however, if it gets too hard to find parking, I will likely have to add that expense back.

The back of my car before I removed the 13.1 sticker when I was thinking about selling it.  There is one person that is looking at the car, and if they decide they want it, I will sell it (I kind of promised that I would).  Otherwise, I will be keeping the car.

At the same time, I keep asking myself this question, especially since I am probably keeping my car at this point: If I can get up at 5 AM in order to ride the bus every morning, how is that better than making the commitment and getting up at 6 AM in order to go to daily Mass, especially since there is no real monetary savings?  I can make all the arguments about the extra exercise and how it is better for the environment, but the real motivator has always been cold hard cash for this decision.  How is my bottom line (both literally and figuratively) more important than my spiritual well-being?

Somewhere over the last year, I quit getting up to go to daily Mass, and I'm not sure why....when my marriage was at its hardest, going to daily Mass sustained me in ways that nothing else did, not even running.  As I was driving to daily Mass this morning, I started thinking about how Eucharist means "thanksgiving," and that it fits nicely with my current journal theme of gift, for it is Christ giving Himself to us, but also us giving ourselves to Him in the Mass.  I want to get back into the practice of going to daily Mass, and I can only do that if I keep my car....where riding the bus, staying fit, and managing my time fits into all of this, I don't know, but I do know that it is time to quit being spiritually lazy.

One of my favorite quotes from Jennifer Fulweiler's blog is:

Your priorities are things you plan for.

 So, I need to begin planning my life around going to daily Mass, monthly Adoration, and running again.  I did that really well as my marriage was falling apart around me, but haven't kept that up in the time since my ex moved out.  I think that I got complacent because I didn't NEED these things just to function anymore. In the process, months and years of discipline have given way to a little bit of sloth on my part....it shows in my huffing and puffing as I run, as well as in the spiritual flabbiness that I have been noticing.  I don't know what I will eventually decide about transportation to work, but I do know that I want to make my relationship with God my first priority.  If I do that, everything else will fall into place the way that it is supposed to.

I am blogging every day this week....go see Jen Fulweiler's blog for a list of others that are doing the same!

Gratitude and 2x4's

When I was going through RCIA,  my teacher would give us several prayer cards each class.  While I haven't really looked at many of them since I finished the class, there is one that I keep going back to over and over again...

Lord,

If what I seek be according to Your will, then let it come to pass and let success attend the outcome.  But if not, my God, let it not come to pass.  Do not leave me to my own devices, for You know how unwise I can be.  Keep me safe under Your protection, Lord my God, and in Your own gentle way guide me and rule me as You know best.

Amen

It seems to me that I, at least, tend to pray for what I want, rather than what God wants.  This prayer reminds me that I need to be looking for God's will in what is going on in my life rather than thinking of God as an ATM for my wants and needs.  Usually, when I pray it, the phrase, "Do not leave me to my own devices" tends to get emphasized, as I have moments of silliness, stupidity, and downright obtuseness.  I would be a total wreck if it were all up to me!!!  I'm afraid that I usually also add the phrase, "or not so gentle as the case may be" after "In Your own gentle way,"  as I am convinced that God has a 2x4 with my name on it (it might be a 4x8, considering how thick my skull can be at times.  It isn't like I actually see what He hits me with--I just feel its effects!), just so He can whack me across the back of my head and get my attention....The older I get, the better I get at listening to His still, small voice, but that doesn't mean that I'm good at it yet!!!

This past weekend is a case in point...I went on my first and only date since my divorce was final, and God used it to hit me upside the head and say, "WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING???"  No matter how many people have told me that I need to wait at least a year before I started dating, I didn't get it until this past weekend.  Some of this is the nature of my failed marriage, and the fact that it was never really good to begin with; some of it is that the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back happened 14 months ago; lastly, some of it is that my ex moved out 10 months ago, even though the divorce was not final until the beginning of last December.  Even so, actually going on a date made me realize how incredibly not ready I am for dating again.  I like the idea of dating, and I like the thought of finding true love, but that doesn't mean that I'm really ready for the reality.  Frankly, I'm enjoying the freedom of being single, even if it can be lonely occasionally. 

In the process, I have also come to realize that online dating really isn't for me.  I have too fertile of an imagination, and it is very easy to create a false sense of intimacy from the first stages of getting to know one another online.  I've cancelled my memberships and have decided that I will go with old fashioned, face-to-face dating when the time comes for me to try again.  In the interim, I will count my blessings, and contemplate the enormous gift that God has given me--namely time to heal. 

I also finally broke down and started another journal today.  Like I used to in college, I have chosen a theme for this journal, which is "gift."  So often, I look at the healing that I still need to do, or the deficits in my life, but I forget to be grateful for the blessings that my life is over-flowing with.  As I move closer to my Aug. 29th Camino departure date, I want to focus on those blessings and cultivate a sense of gratitude in my life....When I focus on the Good things God gives me, it is then that the most healing takes place.  More importantly,  when I show my gratitude for all that Christ has done in my life, it is then that I am most content and at peace, and it is when I am least likely to need a whack from God as an attitude check.  Lastly, I suspect that, when we are truly grateful, it is then that we are most in line with who God created us to be--we were created to Glorify Him, and we do that best when our hearts overflow with gratitude.

I doubt that God will destroy that 2x4 with my name burned into it any time soon, but at least my focusing on what I am grateful for will give it (and me, for that matter!!!) a much needed rest.  May we all think about the blessings we have in our lives and thank God for them.  What are YOU thankful for???

Please visit conversiondiary.com to see other bloggers who will be writing 7 posts in 7 days....

Blank Journals and Temptation

Since it is now less than 8 weeks before I leave for my Camino, I have begun the process of making a prayer list in the back of the Journal I plan to take with me--It will be things that I plan to pray for daily on my Camino, and I already have several things I know I want to pray about...so, it wasn't that hard to begin the list.  This was a mistake, though.  You see, I have kept every journal that I have ever written (well, almost--there is one, maybe two volumes that have been lost in one of my many moves), and if you were to look at them, you would notice something rather curious....most of them have something like 20-30 pages blank at the back of them.

This is a picture of one of the pages of my current journal...that particular day, my dog had put her nose on the paper in the hopes that I would pay attention to her...I traced around her nose, then embellished it. 

I don't know what it is about my journals, but once I have written in the same tome for weeks and months, there comes a point when I start itching to start a new Journal.  I start perusing the blank book racks at Barnes and Noble, looking for just the right shape, size, and color.  I start counting how many more pages I have, in order to begin gauging how much longer I need to write in THIS particular book, and, if it is spiral bound, I start to tear out pages from the back in order to, hopefully, make the journal fill up faster.  Sometimes, it is because I know that I am at a new place in my life, and I am just ready.  Sometimes, it is just that I'm sick of looking at the same cover over and over.  And, sometimes, it is because I have made the mistake and actually bought my next journal....I just begin to yearn to put pen to paper and fill the beautiful, pristine pages!

My journal often becomes a bit of a scrap-book...this is the bib from the 25k I ran in San Antonio this past May.  I will often add tickets, postcards, etc.  This particular journal also has some of the correspondence from the Tribunal pasted in it, and the journal I took with me to Mongolia in college has letters from home pasted in...It is why I will be taking a glue stick with me on my Camino.

This time around, I am using one of the many blank journals laying around my house (I don't want to be caught without a new Journal if I need it--horror of horrors!--do I?!?), rather than buying a new journal.  I have actually decided that I want to use up the majority of my blank journals before I am willing to buy a new one again, since having 7 empty journals sitting on my bookshelf seems a little excessive to me.  I've also thought about getting back into a habit of decorating my own journals again...I used to buy spiral bound sketch books, then made collages on the front cover.  I would then laminate them by covering the collages with clear packing tape.  The only problem is that I don't get any magazines, so I don't have a ready stash of pictures anymore that I can use on collages.  I  would rather use someone else's pictures, since my drawing is rudimentary at best.

This is an example of my sketching ability.  About the only thing I am good at drawing is ivy, and you will often find blank space being filled with meandering ivy in my journals.

So, you are wondering why it is so dangerous for me to begin readying my journal for my trip?  Well, I've currently got about 20 pages remaining in my current Journal, and I really want to wait to begin a new journal until I leave for my Camino.  I'm just not sure that it will last for the 51 days that I have left until I leave, and I really don't want my Camino Journal to have anything in it but my Camino.  I'm afraid that one of the following scenarios will happen:

1. I will run out of pages in my current journal, and then begin using my Camino journal, only to not have enough pages to get me through my trip (I know that they have blank books in Spain, but I would rather have everything in one place).
2. I will run out of pages, and then begin a new journal for here at home, but save my Camino Journal for my trip....I hate the idea of having 2 journals going on at the same time, although this is probably the most likely scenario at the moment.
3. I will run out of pages, and then just wait until I leave for my Camino to write in my journal again--this idea is just WRONG.  I haven't been without a journal since I was 14, and I don't want to start now!
4. I will get impatient with filling my current journal, and then begin using my Camino Journal just because I don't want to write in my current journal anymore (this could also hold true for a different journal than my Camino Journal as well).
5. I will begin rationing how much I can write in my journal because I want to wait for my trip to start a new journal.

As you can see from the stack of pages on the right, I am currently at the end-game of this journal...I have exactly 21 pages left!

I think the real reason why it is dangerous to begin working on my Camino Journal is that I've turned a corner this last week, and I'm ready to start a new stage in my healing.  Somehow, starting a new journal is a symbolic gesture for me, and has been for a long time--I started my current journal shortly after my divorce was final. Nothing in my regular, day-to-day existence changed, but I had an attitude shift that was a long time coming.  I'm still not sure which scenario above will hold sway, but I'm sure that I want to chronicle all that God is doing in my life, so only time will tell.  I will try to white-knuckle it and continue to use the journal I am currently in, then make a decision when I have used the last page (or when I can't stand to use this particular journal any longer!!!).

I also like to add quotes that hit me for one reason or another.  I often try to write about the quote and what I like about that particular quote, but not always.  Sometimes, I will put a quote in randomly in my journal--when I do that, it usually has no embellishment or elaboration because it was originally written in the middle of blank pages.  When I finally get to the quote, it is often not as relevant to what is on my heart anymore.