Beauty

Sunrise Sunday Morning in Sedona.

Back in High School, I spent a lot of time reading and writing poems--some of that is due to the fact that I was the poster child for teenage angst, and some of it due to my AP English classes.  Amazingly, the only snippet I remember of all that poetry is these lines from Keat's poem, Ode on a Grecian Urn:

'Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all             

    Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know.'

 Even in High School, I had a hard time thinking that the truth of homelessness, world hunger or poverty was beautiful.  The seedy, shady, and stark truths of living here on earth just don't seem very beautiful, but Keats seems to believe this is true if we take his lines at face value.  At the same time, there is something intuitive about the beautiful that points us to something beyond ourselves.

Some trees along the race course in Sedona

It is why certain vistas in nature take our breath away, and why most of us look at great buildings, pieces of art, and listen to certain songs in awe-filled contemplation.   It is why we love to look at Gothic Churches and their stained glass windows, regardless of how you feel about the Midieval politics behind the building of them.  The majesty of good art turns us away from navel gazing to the transcendent, the Divine.

Another Sunrise picture from Sedona

And that is what I have the hardest time with when it comes to our society's construction of beauty.  By those standards, I am probably a 6 or a 7 on a scale of 1-10 because I am overweight and on the downward side of 35.  I'm not a nubile young thing anymore, and because of that, I have crow's feet, grey hair, and less tolerance of suffering for the sake of fashion.  By those standards, I will never be as beautiful/pretty as I was when I was in my 20s unless I choose to wear make-up, wear revealing clothing, and possibly go under some plastic surgeon's knife.  On top of that, I burn easily and don't always remember to wear sunscreen on my hikes and runs--because of my sunglasses, I have an almost perpetual raccoon tan on my face!  It doesn't really bother me, but I know that it adds nothing to my ability to be photogenic.  It also means that I will likely never be successful at online dating--it is entirely geared toward visual beauty/attractiveness.  (I'm not talking about taking care of yourself, or trying to look your best--that is a matter of respecting yourself, not about beauty.  I'm not advocating wearing sweats to work or failing to brush your teeth--I am just saying that there are some major flaws in our society's construction of what is and isn't beatiful.)

Unlike this Lorikeet at the Ostrich farm, most of us aren't born with such pretty plumage!

I'd rather have the kind of beauty that comes from within--the kind that shines through because of who you are, not what you look like or what you wear.  I had a roommate in college like that.  She positively glowed because of her relationship with God and the beauty of her spirit.  And, as long as I continue to strive in that direction, where I am right now is the ugliest I will ever be. With this kind of beauty, all of us have the potential to be a solid 10! This kind of beauty is much harder to achieve, though, as it requires being painfully honest with ourselves about our flaws--our personal pettiness and habitual sins--and opening ourselves up to letting God help us build the kind of virtues that overcome those flaws.

Some sort of flower on one of the trails around Sedona.  

This kind of inward beauty also means that I become like a beautiful work of art or a gorgeous vista in nature--I become someone who points to the transcendent, the Divine.  I don't know about you, but that is a goal worth striving toward.  May we all reflect the Truth (John 14:6) with our beauty.

On Running

Sunrise from my Porch on Jan 31st.

There are very few things that will get me out of bed early enough to see the sunrise from my front porch, and the prospect of running a race is one of them.  It is funny, because I've always had a love/hate relationship with exercise: In college, I knew that I had to trick myself into exercising, or it wouldn't happen. Since that time, as long as it isn't more than 3 flights of stairs, I refuse to take the elevator; I try to park so that I can get more walking in; And I am constantly trying to figure out other ways to add exercise to my life. I needed something that is a better motivator than, "I need to be in better shape and I'd like to lose X pounds."

A picture from the road trip to Sedona.  It is much more fun when you can laugh and talk the miles away!

That's the thing--since I have begun running, I have gained 15 lbs, not lost any.  Mostly, I suspect that it is because I tend to give myself permission to eat more calories than I have burned.  As an inveterate snacker, this is one of my (many) Achilles heels, and I have begun working on fixing this by monitoring my calories again.  I hate calorie counting, but it is the only reliable way that I know of to keep track of how much I'm eating.  I'm thinking that banning between meal snacks will be a good Lenten discipline for me this year.  I'm also working on cutting out how many times I go to Starbucks, but that is ongoing.

All of us before the race.  I don't know who of us crossed the finish line first, but I was the last to finish.

I don't know that I've ever had a runner's high, either.  At the same time, running is its own motivation for me in ways that other exercise isn't--it clears my mind and I just feel incredibly refreshed after a 3-6 mile run.  It is like the little bit of speed that I can muster blows away the mental cobwebs and I begin to think more clearly about those things that I have been gnawing on.  It must be all of those glorious endorphins that one secretes while running.  My scientific friends would say that this happens with all exercise, but it sure doesn't feel like it!

Just past the half-way point.  Still feeling pretty good at this point!

All of us after the race. My chip time was 3:20:37. I'm hoping to shave at least 10 minutes off of that for the El Paso half.

So, after my adventure in Sedona, I am 1 half-marathon down for the year with at least 5 more scheduled for the year.  I likely won't see another sunrise again until I get up for another race, but that's ok.  I get to sleep a little bit later, and then spend evenings with family and friends.  As a night owl, the fact that  I live close to a trail that I can run safely in the dark is one of the best things about where I currently live.  Having friends who run with me, even if I am the turtle of the group is just cake.  It still blows my mind that it is no longer a chore to run more than 3 miles at a time, but that longer runs feel normal.

My friend Karin on our early morning hike the next morning before we started for home.  Another glorious sunrise!

Maybe someday, other forms of exercise will feel as wonderful as going for a run does.  If not, then at least I have learned to like one exercise enough to embrace the sport and make it a part of my lifestyle.  It only takes one, right?

13 days!!!

I recently got a text from my sister, and my last piece of gear arrived in the mail today...I now have everything that I need for my Camino, and I'm beginning to get excited!

I am beginning to feel this way...I'm just glad I won't be walking in snow!

• I have also talked to my bank and let them know that I will be in Spain during that time so that they don't lock my debit card.  
• I have new epipens to take with me.  
• I have begun to make a list of things to complete before I leave, such as clean my bathroom and put everything that is chewable out of my dog's reach.
• I have been working on eating all of my perishables so that I don't leave anything to rot in the fridge.
• I'm slowly but surely working my way through all of my courses so that I can  (hopefully) complete all of them before I leave.
• I found a passage of scripture to memorize: Isaiah 54
• I have begun making a list of intentions to take with me to pray about while I am gone (If you have something specific you want me to be praying about, please email me about it).
• I bought catastrophic health insurance for while I am gone
• I have been working on my Spanish with co-workers
• I have been making a list of phrases that I'm going to ask one of my coworkers to translate for me.
• I will be renewing my lease at my residence first thing next week, since my current lease is up at the end of the month.
• I have been collecting pebbles from friends and coworkers to take with me, and will have a way to keep them together next Thursday!
• I will be seeing the chiropractor and my counselor one last time before I leave.

I'm also getting nervous...I'm beginning to worry about the following:

Typical sleeping arrangements in Alburgues--hence my worry about snoring...I am taking earplugs, but still!

• Is my sleeping bag warm enough?
• Will I have too much gear? not enough gear?
• Should I wear a non-hiking outfit on the plane, or one of my hiking outfits?
• Do I have enough money for my trip? (according to most calculators, I do--actually 2-3x what they estimate, but I'm still worried it won't be enough!)
• Should I take a travel pillow, or just plan on using my clothing as a pillow?
• Will I be able to find enough to eat while I am gone? (related to food allergies--most traditional walking food like bread or nuts is out for me....I suspect that I will be eating a lot of Tortilla!)
• Will I be able to find hot tea, or will I be stuck with coffee for the whole trip?  Should I pack some teabags with me?
• Will I have the stamina to walk 300 miles?
• Will I be the person who keeps everyone up with her snores?
• Will I be able to sleep with everyone else's snores?
• Should I take more than one pair of shoes beyond my hiking boots? If so which one?  My running shoes? My sandals?
• How important are shower shoes? (DestructoDog chewed my flip-flops up, so if I really need them, I will need to buy a pair).
• How likely will it be that I lose my backpack when I fly?  (I have insurance for this, but don't want to start my Camino by replacing all of my gear)
• Will I be able to find friends on my trip, or will my introvertedness and inner feelings of awkwardness get in the way (Most social situations make me feel like the awkward, geeky 13 year old that I was in middle school)?
• The litany of questions goes on and on....

I know that many of them will depend on how heavy my pack is once I put everything in it.  I'd really like to be lighter than 15 lbs, but anything under 20 is acceptable.  Also, many of my questions are questions that I will just need to leave up to the Lord.  Even so, I am spending more and more of my time contemplating these questions instead of focusing on the preparations at hand.  I hate to say it, but I think my brain checked out on Camino about a week ago, even though my body is still firmly in the United States.  

To get my Compostela, I have to walk from Sarria on, no matter what.

It is too late to do so at this point, but the one thing I regret is not ordering a patch from the Camino Forum I am a part of.  It would have been nice to have added that to my pack.  Even so, I will be buying a shell as soon as I arrive in Burgos to attach to my pack.  Once I arrive in Santiago de Compostela, I plan to find and buy a small silver shell with the St. James cross on it to add to the necklace that I wear every day.  I'm not sure what I will be getting friends and family members as souvenirs from my trip yet, but I know for sure that I want this particular souvenir for myself.  

In the meantime, I need to get back to work...Focus, Ruth, Focus!!! You have to get your work done!!!

Welcome to Holland

A friend of mine posted this on a forum that I am a member of...

Welcome To Holland
by
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel.  It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy.  You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum.  The Michelangelo David.  The gondolas in Venice.  You may learn some handy phrases in Italian.  It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives.  You pack your bags and off you go.  Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy!  I'm supposed to be in Italy.  All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan.  They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease.  It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language.  And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place.  It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy.  But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips.  Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there.  And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned." 

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever  go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

 Since I don't have children, I can't speak to whether this is true of having a child with disabilities. However, I often feel the same way about being where I am in my life: divorced and childless (unless you count my animals--they are spoiled like children at times!).  I remember dreaming about having a large family in high school, and then feeling the pressure to "find the right one" while in college. I remember the moment in my marriage when I realized that having children was unlikely, and then the moment when my ex's behavior removed all doubt.  I remember the point when I realized that I had married the wrong person, and then the moment when I no longer had the ability to fight for my marriage by myself.

As you can see, the animals really rule the house...This is what it often looks like when we are watching TV.

Now that almost a year has passed since my ex moved out, I find myself (finally) getting used to Holland, and I like it here.  Unlike the above author, I didn't start out in Holland.  I got on a plane expecting Italy, and ended up landing in Somalia on the battlefield--I fought with everything I had for the duration, thinking that, if I fought hard enough, Somalia would become Italy.  I lost  my ammunition, my weapons one by one, and finally, the will to fight over the space of 11 years (I'm not a quick study when it comes to my personal life!).  When that happened, I walked off the field, got on a plane, and landed in Holland.  It still isn't Italy, but Italy, even if I get there, will never be the same because of the scars from Somalia.  Even so, I'm beginning to love Holland.  The tulips and windmills are peaceful, and there is a joy in finally living without bullets whizzing by my ears.  Sometimes, I still duck at loud noises, but that is happening less and less.  I have hope that there will come a day when I can look back and be thankful for Somalia and the lessons I learned there.

A picture from my most recent hike.  This was the sunrise as we began our hike over the Ron Coleman trail.  Isn't Holland Beautiful? (This is actually a picture of El Paso from McKelligan Canyon, but I'm trying to stick with the metaphor)

Right now, while the scars are still tender (but healing), I'm not always very thankful for the pain....I spend more of my time with God being a big fat whiner than I'd like to admit to!  When I am at my worst, I tend to hear the voice in my head saying, "Suck it up!" If I listen to that voice, I find that my being quiet allows me to hear what the Lord has to say to me.  And that is the best part of being in Holland....I'm finally at a place where I can really listen to the Lord instead of just reacting to the chaos around me.

Another picture from my Hike yesterday.  Living in Holland is like this flower--you bloom where you are, even if you have less soil than you would like. 

It may not be Italy, but Holland is a pretty good place to be!

Music, Musings, and the art of Meandering

Several years ago, my ex started making a series of music compilations for listening to in the car called, "My Sitcom Life."  These were interesting compilations, each revolving around some sort of theme.  One had a bunch of songs about breaking up and/or about the fact that love hurts sometimes--"Love can be bad luck" Another had a bunch of songs about soaring, flying, floating, etc., called, "Flight."  The last iteration that I know of was called, "And now a word from our sponsors," which featured several mock commercials for the Taliban, the US Navy, and others.  I don't have access to these playlists anymore, and I actually don't miss it all that much....I gave my ex the control of what we listened to because he was more into music than I was--it was also easier to concede in order to keep the peace.

Now that I am alone again, it has been fun re-acquainting myself with the kind of music that I like to listen to--contemporary Christian music, recent country, some hip-hop and rap (thanks Sarah--it is your fault that I like this stuff!), Blues, Boy-bands (yes, I like Boyz to Men, and the random New Kids on the Block hit--sue me!), Crooners (Harry Connick, Jr., Josh Groban and Michael Buble!) and the occasional dance/top 40 hit (Gangnam Style, anyone?).  It isn't that I didn't like most of what my ex liked to listen to....in fact, I was introduced to a lot of bands that I probably never would have heard without him, most good, and some totally not my type of music.  No matter why it happened, it means that I'm probably about 10 years behind on country music hits, and 6-7 years behind on Contemporary Christian music, with similar gaps in other genres I like.

Destructo-Dog strikes again....Maybe she is telling me that I'm spending too much time surrounded by noise...Either that, or she just likes the taste of my ear-wax--this is probably the 3rd or 4th pair of earphones that she has destroyed!

I also know that, at some point in our marriage, I began to notice a decided lack of silence in our house....the TV or music was almost always being played at home, so I often opted for silence when I had the choice rather than music or TV.  I began giving up TV and/or radio for Lent.  To this day, my main time of prayer is my morning commute, mostly because I got into the habit of driving in silence.  On the way home, I am often found listening to books on tape--it is my favorite way to read non-fiction.  I think that, in trying to play catch-up, I have lost that silent space in my life....something that all of us need in order to listen to the Lord.

I think that Blessed Mother Teresa says it well:

The fruit of silence is prayer
The fruit of prayer is faith
The fruit of faith is love
The fruit of love is service
The fruit of service is peace.

 This is why I plan to leave my nano and my headphones at home when I walk my Camino this August/September (85 days!!!)...I will have my iPad mini in order to update this blog and keep in contact with family and friends back home via the occasional Skype session, but I don't plan to answer my e-mail while I am gone either.  I actually have quite a bit of music and audio-books on my iPad, but because it isn't as easy to carry as my nano, I will be less likely to whip it out while I am walking.

Besides, while I love to run to the sound of music, I hate hiking to music.  I think it is because music helps me keep my tempo when I am running, but it detracts from the experience when I am hiking.  It detracts from my enjoyment of God's handiwork surrounding me.  Running is about the internal struggle and the way my muscles and sinews move with each other, but hiking is less about me.  Climbing the trail up the mountain takes on spiritual overtones--it is not completely about conquering, but about enjoying the journey.  Running is all about conquering myself, though, and finding my personal limits.  The first step of each successful run seems to start with the question, "Can I?" and end with a resounding "I Can!"  The first step of each hike I take usually starts with, "How far will I get today?"--That question isn't just about the length of the trail, though.  It includes the contemplation, the working through, the random thoughts that scamper around as I walk familiar trails. It is meandering down paths never taken before, both literally and figuratively, which must be explored like a loose tooth must be wiggled by a 6 year old. It is a point of pride to run the mileage that I plan for myself; It is OK if I don't get as far while hiking, because the dig-dog is hot or starting to limp, or I'm starting to get sun-burned.  I finish each run high on endorphins and each hike feeling incredibly blessed....a different kind of high to be sure!

It could very well be that my recent injury was God's way of reminding me that running is a gift from Him, just as much as Hiking is.  I know that, but I'm not sure that I acknowledge it as much about running as I do about hiking.  As much as I love to run, and it is on par with chocolate when I am PMSing or a perfect Creme Brulee, I think that hiking does more for my spirit in the long-run, and if I ever have to choose between the two, hiking will win every time.  The difference could be that I allow myself to be silent when I hike, but don't when I run....I just know that I am less likely to run as far in the quiet than I do while listening to music--maybe because the negative voices in my head are more active while running and the music drowns them out. More than likely, that won't change until I can give myself the permission to ask, "How far will I get today?"  at the beginning of a run.  If I can ever make that transition, I will probably surprise myself by going further than I ever dreamed.  But, like the old adage says,

"the longest distance is from the head to the heart"

So, as I sit out another week to allow my leg to heal,  I will try to meditate on the following verses:

Come, behold the works of the LORD, 

how he has wrought desolations in the earth.  

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; 

he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear,

he burns the chariots with fire! 

"Be still, and know that I am God. 

I am exalted among the nations, 

I am exalted in the earth!" 

The LORD of hosts is with us; 

the God of Jacob is our refuge. [Selah]    

--Psalm 46 : 8-11, RSV

ULTREIA!!!

So, it looks like I will be going on my Camino earlier than I thought I would....In fact, I will be leaving on August 29th in the afternoon, arriving in the afternoon on August 30th, and then returning on September 23rd.  So, I will be in the below picture in 108 days!

I'm not sure where  on the Camino this picture was taken, but I loved the way the clouds look--A lot like rainy season here at home!

I won't be going the whole 500 miles from St. Jean Pied-de-Port (SJPDP), either, but I will be starting my Camino in Burgos, which is just a little less than 300 miles from Santiago de Compostela.  Including rest days, I will be on the Camino for about 21 days, and I'm starting to get really excited, especially since I'm not going to have to deal with the awful weather that I was expecting in December.  Besides, going a shorter distance means that I have an excuse to come back at a later date!

It also means that I won't need near the amount of gear that I thought I would.  In fact, I have pretty much gotten all of my gear at this point.  I am still debating about whether I need to buy a poncho, since northern Spain stays pretty wet year round.  In fact, there is a member on the Camino forum whose signature says,

There are Liars, Damn Liars, and there is My Fair Lady--The rain in Spain falls mainly in Galicia!

So, I'm thinking that getting a poncho is still a good idea, but will likely pick that up once I'm in Spain unless I can find a really good deal online.  Rather than take an extra device, I'm getting a Skype account that I can use on my tablet in order to stay in contact with people back at home.  This lowers my costs, and it will allow me to be able to talk to family/friends for free. Please e-mail me with your Skype account if you want me to contact you while on the Camino.  I will be buying my ticket first thing in June, so that is the next major purchase, and I got my passport photos taken last night.  I will be sending in my application at the end of the week.

It is still too early to get my pilgrim's credential, but have it on my calendar so that I remember to order it from the American Camino de Santiago Pilgirms office at the end of this month...I can't request one until I am under 3 months from going.

This is a picture of a filled pilgrim's credential.  It will be my proof that I have walked as far as I say I've walked...They will look at this when I get to Santiago and won't give me my Compostela unless I have the right amount of stamps--specifically from Sarria onward.  

Once I knew that I would be leaving sooner than I originally planned, I bought a book that tells of some of this history of the Camino, as well as important points of interest along the way, but I already know about a couple of places that I plan to visit for sure.  The first is the Cruz de Ferro.  It is a big cross that is along the trail that was erected in order to mark the Rabanal pass, which is also the highest point on the Camino.  It is close to the 2/3 mark from SJPDP, and it has become a place where you let go of your worries, sins, etc. on the trail, usually represented by a memento or pebble that you have carried with you from home.  I still haven't found the rock that I'm going to take, but will pick one up in the next few months on one of my hikes.  Anyone who wants to give me a pebble with your name or other message on it, I will pray for you along the way and leave your worries at the foot of the Cross as well (both figuratively and physically!).  Please just keep it small, as I have to carry that weight with me for most of my trip!

This is a picture of Cruz de Ferro.  

The other place that I know that I'm going to stop at is O Cebriero.  This is the spot of a Eucharistic Miracle, so it is a priority for me to go there.  It is because of the doctrine of the Eucharist  and John 6 that I am Catholic, so Eucharistic miracles hold a very special place in my heart.  Visiting Lanciano, Italy is on my bucket list of pilgrimage sites, so being able to go to the site of another Eucharistic miracle is very important to me.  It was one of my greatest concerns about going in the winter, as O Cebriero is near the top of a mountain pass and is often snowed in in winter.  I'm really glad that this is no longer an issue, and that I can safely expect to be able to visit there.

This will probably screw up the training for my Marathon in October, but in the end, it is totally worth it.  I can always try again at the next El Paso Marathon if I end up not being able to finish the one in Albuquerque.    Besides, even if I'm not running, I will be walking between 20 and 32 km per day with about 15 lbs on my back, which translates to between 12 and 20 miles a day.  If that doesn't help my endurance, I don't know what will!!!

I don't know why anyone would want to abandon their boots while still walking the Camino, even if they ARE incredibly uncomfortable...it makes for an interesting picture, though! This is one of the many trail markers on the Camino.

P.S.--In case you are wondering, Ultreia is one of the traditional greetings given to pilgrims while on the trail...from what I understand, it means something like "further," and is an encouragement to keep going.  Really, that is what a pilgrimage is about--moving further in your journey to your destination, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.  

Gear update!

So, I took some time today to look at the gear I have and see if I can fit it into my backpack and/or how much it is all going to weigh.  Based on what I have learned and what I have bought, I currently have the following for my Camino Trip:

This is everything on the list below.

Basically the clothes/personal items

Outerwear and backpack/sleeping bag

Toiletries and my new shoes!

Socks, 8 pr (4 pr regular hiking, 2 pr thin hiking, and 2 pr fuzzy socks for night)
1 pr long underwear
1pr running capris
1 pr running tights
cetirizine (allergy meds)
Scrubby sponge
Flip Flops
comb
razor
glue stick
head lamp
bandannas (2)
Waterproof matches
Insulated mug
Water bottle
Camera
ballet shoes
fleece jacket
Long sleeved shirt (2)
Short sleeved shirts (3)
Sports bra (2)
Fleece Scarf
Gloves
Beanie hat
Towel
Dr. Bronners
Soap Caddy
Soap
Journal
Feminine Pads
Airtight container
ziplock bags
First aid kit
Ear plugs
Toothbrush and toothpaste
knife
sunglasses
writing utensils
fingernail clippers
hand sanitizer
phone
hiking shoes
knee brace
wind breaker
backpack
Sleeping bag and compression sack
iPad
Emergency Blanket

I still need:

Drinking Bladder
Waterproof/woolen gloves
Gaiters
Rain Coat
Poncho
Hiking underwear (2-3 pr)
Hiking skirt
Running tights (1 pr--would replace the long underwear since I could wear them without anything on top of it)
Hiking gas stove
Blister care
Power converter
Extra batteries/rechargeable batteries and charger

Total weight of everything I have BEFORE the gear that I still need:  20.5 lbs.  Now, about 2 of that are my shoes, and another 1-2 lb will account for clothing that I will be wearing.  I need to try to pare down what I have to get it lighter, which will probably mean that I will need to get rid of some duplicates.  I also forgot to get my hiking poles out of my car so that I could weigh them and pack them....they add about a lb each.  I should also try to find a lighter journal, since the one that I was planning on taking weighs 12.5 oz.  It has the benefit of being free, but I am going to need to shave off more weight, not to mention space!

I could barely fit everything into my backpack that was laid out.  I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to find the room to add a drinking bladder, a rain coat, and a poncho, not to mention gaiters!

Even though I really didn't want the weight of bigger pack, I'm thinking that I really should have gotten one that was at least a 40 liter.  Instead, I got an Osprey Sirrus 36.  I'm also going to need someone to teach me how to pack this thing, as it just might be my bad packing skills that is causing my gear to barely fit.  I'm most surprised at how much of my pack is taken up by my sleeping bag, even in a compression sack!  I would say that it probably takes up 2/3 of my pack, so space is really at a premium, and unfortunately, it will only fit in my pack oriented vertically rather than horizontally.  Part of me also wonders if it will take less space if I take it out of the compression sack completely...I suppose I could see if I could find a different compression sack, but I really doubt that it can be compressed more than it is in the compression sack that came with the sleeping bag--I am amazed at how much air can be squeezed out of it as it is...Down is a wonderful thing!

My sleeping bag: a Big Agnes Fria, rated at 15*F, and only 3 lbs!

These wouldn't fit, but I expect them to be on my feet and face, so that isn't a problem!

In spite of being a good 5 lbs heavier than I wanted it to be, I'm glad that I went to REI and got fitted for the backpack--it is surprisingly comfortable when on my back.  At the same time, I haven't taken it hiking yet, so just putting it on around the house doesn't really count.  That will be the next step--taking it for a hike while it is weighted down.  I just want to get the rest of my gear first, though, so that I can know what the grand total is, as well as to figure out how to make it all fit into my pack!

Me with the backpack on.

and me with my backpack on from the back.

I have also come to the conclusion that, even though I would really like to use this backpack when I eventually through-hike the Appalachian Trail, it probably won't be big enough, especially when you figure in the 5-10 lbs of food that you need to have with you when hiking the AT.  In fact, even though it will add weight, I'm thinking that I might need to return my pack to REI so that I can get one that is slightly bigger, that way I have a little bit of breathing room for gear if I need it.  At least the sleeping bag is a really good one, so I can probably continue to use it for the next 10-12 years or so. I will just need to add a sleeping pad if I ever use it when camping. Since I will be staying in the Pilgrims' Hostels the whole trip, I won't need it for my Camino, though.  From the research that I've been doing, Big Agnes is one of the better companies that create light and ultralight hiking and camping gear. 

Things are starting to come together, and for that I'm incredibly thankful.  The next step is to buy my plane ticket and renew my passport....I will be renewing my passport in May, and probably won't be able to buy my plane ticket until July/August.  I'm really hoping that there is a sale about that time so that I won't be paying $1200 for the ticket, but I'm not really holding my breath....The price has held steady since January!

I am so excited about how the Lord is making things come together!!!  The only thing I could wish for is someone who could and would walk with me.  Even so,  it is going to be a trip of a lifetime, and I get to share it with all of you, so I will just have to carry all of you with me.

13.1

Yesterday was my half-marathon, and I survived it. Officially, I finished in 2 hours, 53 minutes, and 50.52 seconds. I was kind of surprised at the emotions as I ran this race--trepidation at the beginning, and the realization that I hadn't started far enough back in the pack (the race organizers asked for fast runners up front); resignation that a lot of people would be passing me; surprise that hundreds of feet running sounds just like rain falling on the roof; laughter at some of the signs of spectators (the best was "Worst. Parade. Ever."); wonder at the goofy costumes worn by the volunteers at the water stations; joy at seeing my niece and the Dig-Dog cheering my on near the finish line; and tears at the end of the race.

This isn't a great picture, but it shows me at home with my medal before I went to go take a bath.  I was tired, but happy!

If it weren't for the fact that I would have looked silly, I probably would have started bawling when the volunteer gave me my medal for finishing--between the fact that there were several photographers there and my stifling the urge, I was able to keep it together, barely. Then the moment passed, and I was ok--achy, but ok.  I still ache a little bit today, but not so bad that I can't get out of bed.  Instead, I feel like one does when the day before was a particularly strenuous workout--you can feel every muscle that was stretched, but it is a good ache, not a bad one.  I'm actually surprised at the fact that my back and shoulders were used yesterday.  My Niece took some video of me running the last 1/4 mile, but the quality isn't that good, since she was using her phone and running with me.

I need one of these buttons. 

I also feel quite a bit of accomplishment and relief, although I know that I'm going to need to do much more training in order to finish a full marathon.  For the first time in my life, I'm sorely tempted to buy a bumper sticker to show the world that I did a half-marathon!

They have ones like this at Up and Running, the local running store.

Of course, that means that I will need to get one like this after I finish my marathon in October...

Yup,  I'm going to be even more proud when I finish my marathon.

In the mean time, I'm already planning on running a 10K on my birthday as a birthday present to me, and would like to invite anyone that wants to, to join me (this isn't that far--only 6.2 miles!).  I also want to run at least one more half-marathon before the marathon in October, probably in June/July.  I'm limiting myself to no more than one race a month, but like the way that running the races helps me to gauge how I am progressing.  Even so, unless I am actively training for a race, I plan to switch from long runs on weekends to hiking again, especially since the weather is getting so beautiful.

The last time I went hiking, I realized that I am using some different muscles while hiking, so if I don't start doing so regularly, I may have some issues on my Camino.  Dig-Dog loves it whether we go running or hiking, so she is indifferent to the change, and I still have yet to conquer the Smuggler's pass trail completely.  I know that it ends someplace in McKelligon Canyon, but haven't actually gotten over the mountain range yet.  Part of it is that one point in the trail is a 2 in. chain bolted to the rock, so it isn't something Dig-Dog can conquer, and I feel guilty not taking her--she whines terribly, as she recognizes my hiking/running gear, and then is crestfallen when I leave without her.  According to my niece, she continues to whine long after I leave from the few times I've left her at home.  One of these days, I'm going to video her shenanigans before we go hiking/running, then put it to music--it is much like a choreographed dance!

Dig-Dog after a run--the poor thing is pooped!

The thing about these long distance races is that I'm not worried that anyone is going to beat me--I'm old and I'm still overweight, so there will always be others before me.  I'm just wanting to beat myself, and that is a bit of a first for me.  I'm normally very competitive, and, truthfully, I love winning.  But just having finished my half-marathon puts me in a group of people that I never thought I would join the ranks of--that of an amateur athlete. I will probably never have the speed of an Olympian, but it still amazes me that I have been able to do these races and not be last; that I can strive to be better--in practicing, I have been able to shave minutes off of my 5k time (from 42 minutes for my 1st 5K to a little over 35 minutes at my second).  I'm at a place where it feels weird to NOT exercise, rather than the opposite.

One of my favorite shirts at the running store has the following on the back of it:

Dear God,

Please let there be somebody behind me to read this.

Amen

I was tempted to buy it to wear to the race yesterday, but I decided against it....maybe for my marathon, but I hope to get to the place where I am running a 10-11 minute mile consistently before then, and If I can do that, I don't have to worry about being last.  Besides, I don't run to compete against anyone but myself...Even if I came in dead last yesterday, I still would have finished, and that says something about who I am and who I want to be.

Do you not know that the runners in the stadium all run in the race, but only one wins the prize? Run so as to win. Every athlete exercises discipline in every way. They do it to win a perishable crown, but we an imperishable one. Thus I do not run aimlessly; I do not fight as if I were shadowboxing. No, I drive my body and train it, for fear that, after having preached to others, I myself should be disqualified.

As I get older, these verses in I Corinthians 9 remind me that, even as scripture alludes to races where there is a clear winner and loser, we each have a chance at the Prize God has for us--we aren't racing against others, but against ourselves.  Our foibles, our character flaws, our laziness, our discipline.  And research shows that, when we get more disciplined in one area of our lives, others tend to follow.  Here is hoping that all of us are running so as to win the prize.

When I Run, God Smiles

It is less than a week before my first half-Marathon, and I'm feeling a little bit of trepidation about the event.  I haven't run as many miles as the training plan that I was following says I should have, and the longest run I have completed to date is about 10 miles up and down Scenic Drive.  My fellow runners at the running club have assured me that, if I can run 10 miles, I can run 13.1--Basically, this is adding a 5k to the longest that I have ever run.  I'm not sure that I can do it, and if I can't do this, I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to hike the Camino or complete the marathon that I'm planning to run with one of my friends from high school this October.  I guess you could call this the first of many tests to my physical stamina.

One of the running sites that I've been looking at mention that I should have a reason for running such a long event...the rationale is that running for the sake of running is all fine and good, but that it might not carry you through to the end.

St. Alphonsus Ligouri once said something that shows a similar sentiment:

He who does not acquire the love of God will scarcely persevere in the grace of God, for it is very difficult to renounce sin merely through fear of chastisement.

Personally, I like running because it gives me some of the same high that a good romance or adventure gives me--endorphins are a wonderful thing!  In the movie, Chariots of Fire, Eric Liddell's Character says "When I run, I feel [God's] Pleasure," and I feel that too when I get into the groove of my stride.  It also gets me off of my butt and makes my dog happy, but I won't be taking the Dig-Dog with me this coming Sunday (poor thing--she will probably whine herself hoarse).  I run races because they help me to gauge where I am physically, as well as push me to get better, but I could do that just as well with the occasional 5K as I could with a half-marathon.  Running a half-marathon or a marathon because it was there, and it was something that I've always wanted to do doesn't seem like a good enough reason, though.  Heck, having "run a marathon" as an item on my bucket list hasn't given me the motivation to do so, until this year....

Wasn't the Dig-Dog cute as a puppy?  She is now a beautiful dog, but this has to be my favorite picture of her as a puppy.

I mean, I started hiking regularly in order to deal with the stress at home, which then morphed into running after I was able to run a 5k with a lot more ease than I expected to--no training at all beyond the 2-3x weekly hikes that I was already doing.

While I wouldn't have articulated it at the time, I think that my hiking/running was also a way to reclaim a part of me that had gotten lost in my marriage--I used to love hiking, camping (as long as toilets were available), and fishing growing up. Because my ex wasn't really interested, I didn't do very much of it.  In spite of having my own fishing gear, I only went fishing once during my almost 11 year marriage.  To his credit, the ex attempted to go hiking with me once this past year, and even promised to go hiking at least once a week, but like so many other promises, he didn't follow through....there was always some excuse, so I finally just quit inviting him.   Including that one time he came with me last year, he went hiking with me a sum total of 3 times in our marriage. I never invited him to run with me because he vociferously condemned the practice in the past, and made it clear when I did run that he wasn't interested.  I suppose that he could say the same of me, since I've never really been a big bicycler, and that has always been his favorite means of exercise.  If I am going to bicycle, it will be to get from point A to point B, not for the sake of biking!

I've never actually been fly fishing, but I always have the most fun fishing when I am fishing on a river--more action.  The last time  I went fishing with my dad, I caught 3 trout from the river in his backyard!

I'm thinking that I need to pull out my fishing gear and do a few weekend trips to some of the lakes/rivers/streams in the area this coming spring.  It has been a long time since I have spent a day drowning bait, and I think that I am long overdue!  Then, on the off chance that  I actually catch something, I need to find someone that I can give my catch to.  I am one of those weird fishermen that doesn't like eating fish!

I think the reality of the physical tests of endurance that I have set myself up for--the half-marathon next Sunday, the full marathon in October, and walking the Camino in December--are extensions of the internal test of endurance I am currently going through as I heal from my divorce.  Maybe this is faulty reasoning, but I feel like my being able to do these things will prove that I can live through and survive the divorce too.  And, maybe, just maybe, the time set aside for these activities will give me some of the silent space that I need to be able to actually process through the last 11 years. It is a way to reclaim who I am while remaking myself from the years of inertia and stagnation.

And that is a good enough reason to keep trying.

Tentative Packing list

I haven't really done any posts about what I am doing to plan/prepare for my trip next December yet, so I wanted to give you what I am planning on taking with me and why...I have another post about running percolating in the back of my brain, but I think that it can wait for a little bit.

Anything I pack for my Camino will have to be carried on my back for the duration unless I want to spend money to box it up and send it home (I am told that this is a normal occurrence for most pilgrims, but I want to avoid it if possible).  Because of this, my personal goal is to have a pack weight of less that 15 lbs so that I am less likely to need the Spain Post Office's services.  This weight does not include food or water, so the daily actual weight of my pack should be about 20 pounds....it is more than I would like it to be, as it really should be no more than 10% of my body weight, but I can't afford the gear that is lightweight enough to make my pack in the ten pound range, especially since I'm going to be hiking in winter! 

I also haven't figured out the logistics of bringing home water from Lourdes yet, as I plan to visit there the Sunday before I start walking, but will probably box it up and send it home if I am able to.  I just don't see how I'm going to be able to carry the extra weight--every liter of water weighs 2.2 lbs!  At the same time, I can't resist being in Lourdes on Dec. 8th, the feast of the Immaculate Conception (ok, I know that this year, this feast is technically on the 9th, and the 8th is one of the Sundays in Advent, but still!). 

So, I'm basing my tentative list on the lists of others that have walked the Camino, on what I already have, and on what I have been reading about hiking in the winter....As soon as I get my tax return, I plan to take a trip to Albuquerque to visit the REI store there, so some of this could change based on my conversations with them.  No matter what, I really only have $500-600 that I can spend on gear, so I'm having to balance between cheap heavy items and more expensive light items.   I have also been keeping an eye out for used gear on ebay and craig's list, but have been less than impressed by the selection--sellers are either wanting almost the same price as new gear on Amazon, the gear is clearly ripped/broken from the pictures, or the seller has no idea on the specs of the item (weight, temp rating, etc).  Based on this, I'm thinking that hiking/backpacking gear is probably better to buy new when on sale....Because of my budget, I won't quit looking for less expensive gear, but don't really expect to find it.  I'm also not adverse to being a charity case--if you have any lightweight camping/backpacking gear on the list that you would be willing to donate to a good cause, I would be an ecstatic recipient!!!

Gear I have:

2 short sleeved running shirts
2 long-sleeved running shirts
--these will be my two base layers, and the fabrics on them are very lightweight, wicking, and antibacterial materials (translate that to "less smelly").  In addition, I've been reading that hiking in winter actually requires less clothing as long as you keep moving, so these 2 layers plus a jacket could be all I need while walking.  I will need more to keep warm on my breaks, and staying warm is easier to do than warming back up, but I am planning for that by having an extra layer to put on when I am on break. I also plan to take my breaks someplace where I can get inside whenever possible, so that will help with the issue of staying warm! :-)

Safety pins (12-20)
Gloves--I have those stretchy knitted ones, one pair of which can be used with electronic devices.  They won't help me if it rains, but they will work on dry days.
Hat--a nice wool one that is long enough to cover my ears!
2 sports bras
Sunglasses
Fleece scarf
String for use as an improvised clothes line....I am debating whether I should spring for some paracord, since it will be sturdier than the string I have, but am not quite willing to put this in the "to buy" list yet.
Walking poles
iPad Mini--this will be one of my 3 electronic devices, and it will stand in for my Bible, other reading material, a computer for keeping up with this blog/keeping in touch with family while walking, and as a watch/alarm clock.  I will have to keep on the look out for internet cafes, since it is wifi only, but I can live with that.  If I don't check in regularly, I suspect that my mom will have a mild panic!
iPod Nano--I don't expect to be listening to this much while walking, but I want to use it to keep track of how far I have gone and how fast I am going.  It has Nike+ on it, so I can strap it to my arm, get it started, and track away!  Unfortunately, because I bought a wifi only iPad, I can't use my iPad for tracking.  :-/
Comb--one of the nice things about short hair is that it doesn't require a hairbrush, and that means I can save the weight!
Needle
Thread
Ear Plugs--One of the hazards of using the pilgrim's hostels (Auberges) is that fellow pilgrims often snore.  I plan to take 2-3 pairs just in case, and I really hope that I'm not one of the pilgrims that keeps everyone else awake!
Ibuprofen
Gallon Ziplock Bag for garbage created while on the trail
1/2 a roll of toilet paper, roll removed
Fingernail Clippers
Toothbrush
Epi-pen:  I'm debating about whether I should bring two with me, just in case.  I will be careful, and plan to have a note on my iPad listing all of my food allergies in Spanish, but accidents can still happen...I may just bring one with me and have a prescription from my doctor in case I need to get another one because I used the first.
Kleenex--If I bring a handkerchief instead, I can wash it out and re-use it each day.  I'm just not sure how hygienic that is.
Debit Card--I get paid in the middle of my trip, so I want to be able to access extra money if I need it.
Pre-paid Credit Card--this will need to be usable in Europe, so I need to figure out where I can get one that is accepted internationally....From what I have read, most places along the Camino don't accept travellers checks, so using a pre-paid credit card with a pin is the best way to access extra funds as needed....ATMs are readily accessible.  I've toyed with the idea of just using my debit card the whole time, but cringe at the thought of all of those ATM fees!
Passport
A list of emergency contact numbers/addresses--I plan to be safe about this, but pickpocketing has been known to happen along the Camino.  I also plan to leave copies of my passport, credit/debit cards, and insurance information with someone here so that, if I am a victim, I can cancel cards and get new ones.
Guidebook--I have ordered the most recent from the Society of St. James in England, but haven't received it yet.  I may not take it with me, because of weight, but will likely take notes of what is most important and save it to my iPad.
Disposable razor--I can live with unshaved legs, but having hairy armpits is unacceptable!!!
Lotion
Sunscreen
Minimal first aid kit, including blister care and anti-diarrhea medication--I'm told that there are pharmacies all along the route, and that other pilgrims often also have stuff, but one should at least have a little bit just in case.
one set PJs--some pilgrims sleep in their clothes for the next day, but I tend to sweat a lot when I sleep.  This is why I have debated using a sleeping bag liner in addition to my sleeping bag, but don't think that I can afford the added weight. More than likely, I will bring a pair of my running capris and one of my running shirts for PJs, and then plan on washing them once a week. It will only add about 6 oz to my total weight.
Camelbak bladder--my brother Tim will be giving me this, as he was given several while he was deployed this last year....I plan to buy a backpack that has a compartment/port for one, so this is perfect!
Insulated Cup--I am going to want to drink something warm to start the day every day, so I want to bring one of my travel mugs with me to help keep it warmer for longer.
Allergy Meds
Rosary
Proof of insurance
Mechanical Pencil
Pen 
net scrubber--this is lighter than a washcloth, and dries quicker as well.  If I need to, I can attach it to the outside of my backpack to dry.
Small rock 

I don't know how much all of the above weighs, but I have a 10 lb. postal scale that I intend to use to weigh everything before packing it once I have everything and it get's closer to my actual trip.  The goal is to go on a 2-3 day hike over Thanksgiving break in order to get a feel for how I will do on my actual Camino....I just need to find someplace that has a hotel/motel about 20 miles from here so that I can hike there, spend the night, and then hike back.

Gear I need to Buy:

2 lightweight knee braces--I doubt that I will need them, but want to be prepared
Backpack--I want this to be under 2 pounds....I'd really like to buy one of the under 1 pound models that I have found, but have a hard time justifying the cost of 1/3 of my gear budget to do so.  As it is, I expect to spend in the $75-100 range for one of the under 2 pound models.
Sleeping bag--I would like this to be under 3 pounds, but because I am going to need a sleeping bag with colder ratings, will settle for it being under 4 pounds in order to afford it.  I refuse to buy anything heavier, as I can't afford for my sleeping bag to take up more of my weight allowance.
Fleece Jacket/pullover--I found an 8 oz  one that I really like!
Rain coat/Jacket--I'm kind of torn about these 2 items.  I have found a lightweight water-proof jacket that I like, as well as a "3-in-one" jacket that is currently on sale.  If I buy the 3 in one, it has a fleece liner that I can also use as a fleece jacket on it's own and I won't need to buy the above fleece jacket.  However, the 3-in-one is a hideous teal color.  I'd buy it in a heartbeat if I could get a better color, as I like the idea of being able to connect my layers for ease of taking on and off, but I really don't want it to be disposable either.  I suspect that, if I were to get the 3-in-one, I would never wear it again once I got home.
Waterproof gloves/mittens--Since I have been monitoring the weather along the Camino,  I'm noticing that there are very few days without either snow or rain in the winter, so waterproof gear is going to be essential for me staying warm.
2 pair Hiking underwear--it is made from material that is wicking and antibacterial.  Since I will be washing my clothes by hand, this seems kind of important.
Waterproof Hiking boots
Gaiters--these are nifty devices that protect your legs from the ankle to the knee, and in the process keep mud, dirt, rocks, and snow from getting into your boots.  I am told that they are essential gear for winter hiking, as keeping dry is half the battle for keeping warm.  It is also one of the best ways to keep from getting blisters (keeping your socks dry).  I am ALL FOR both of those!!!
Headlamp--The sun doesn't rise before 8am in the winter along the Camino, so the first hour of hiking most days will be in the dark. 
Raincover for Backpack
Hiking Towel--some of the people who have blogged about their Camino trip have used those swim chamois instead of towels to save weight, but I've never used one before, so I will probably just buy the lightest weight hiking towel in the smallest size that I can tolerate.  I would be willing to try a chamois, but would need to borrow one to do so.
Hiking pants (2 pr)--I actually prefer to hike in skirts, so I have mixed feelings about buying pants for this trip.  I understand that they will be warmer than any skirt, especially if it is windy, but I WILL be wearing long johns underneath, so it isn't like I won't be covered.  This seller has told me that should would make a skirt to my specs (I like my hiking skirts to be about calf length) for me if I ordered from her, and I love the colors! Also, I have heard that it is normal to lose weight while on the Camino, so having garments with an adjustable waistband like her skirts are would be a plus!
running tights/long underwear--I am still doing research about this.
Rain Pants
Lightweight ballet type shoes--I need to have something other than my hiking boots with me so that they can air out/dry out at the end of the day.  I was thinking that some lightweight ballet slippers might do the trick for any sightseeing I do once I am done for the day.  A pair of keds/other tennis shoe is another option, but the operative word is LIGHT!
Sock Liners (4 pr)--one website mentions using nylon mens dress socks for this.
Smartwool Socks (4 pr)--they just have to be wicking and lightweight.
Bandana/handkerchief--this could be good for replacing kleenex, as well as for sopping my brow if I begin to sweat.
Soap--I'm thinking about possibly getting a bottle of Dr. Bronners to use for soap, shampoo, AND laundry soap, but need to try it out first.  I've tried using bar soap on my hair before and hated the way my hair felt.  At the same time, the more that I can make each of my items work for multiple tasks, the less weight I will be carrying.
Passport carrier, preferably waterproof
Digital Camera--Part of me would prefer one that uses AA or AAA batteries (I would likely be able to find batteries along the way), but they are much heavier when this is the case. 
Sink Stopper--for making the daily laundry chore easier....I may leave this out and just plan to wash all of my clothes in the shower.
suction cup with hooks--I am told that most of the showers in the Auberges have no hooks for hanging clean clothes or towels. 
toiletry holder--might not be necessary if I use Dr. Bronner's for everything!
Journal--I have one that I can use, but want to see if I can find one that is more lightweight.  I really don't like the fact that the one I have weighs almost a pound!
International Charger for iPad/pod
Batteries for camera/headlamp--only needed if they don't use standard sized batteries
Stuff sack for creating pillow with coat/fleece
Camino Map--I plan to buy this from the pilgrim's office in St. Jean Pied-de-Port
lightweight scissors--needed for blister pads...I might just use my pocket knife for everything
pocket knife
Pilgrim's passport
Bag for dirty/worn clothes

Items I'd like to take if I have room/weight

Tea ball and loose leaf tea
1-2 Hiking skirts--I really like these skirts for traveling if I didn't buy the custom made ones mentioned above, but suspect that they are really heavy since they have snaps everywhere.
some sort of bag that I can use as a purse when I am in a town/city.
lightweight sweater
NUUN tablets--I use these for running and love them!
extra rosaries to give away
empty container for putting fragile fruit/veggies into--I can't just buy a bunch of bread/nuts for trail food, so I'm going to have to find ways to make traditionally non-trail food work as trail food.  OR, I'm going to have to plan to stop at a restaurant for lunch every day.
belt in case I lose weight
Honey--I'm pretty sure that I will be able to find this along the way, but am not positive.  Since I am not much of a coffee drinker, being able to take my own tea fixings would be WONDERFUL.  I know that they have powdered peanut butter.  I wonder if somebody makes powdered honey?

Any suggestions anyone might have would be helpful, as I love hiking, but have no experience with hiking in the winter, and that is what I will be doing on my Camino trip!