The above quote is from Henry the Fifth by Shakespeare, and after my experiences at the race this morning, I'm feeling like there is a camaraderie that comes from the sweat and the slogging and the striving that one finds in long distance races like the one I was in today. Before I go much further, let me give you a clip of Henry's speech before the battle... (I love this version, by the way!)
So, I was there all by myself, and there was no place to check in my camera and my car keys, like there has been at my half-marathon. One of the ladies that was selling tickets held them for me until the race was over. She even wrote her cell phone number on my bib so that I could get my stuff back if I couldn't find her. The people working the water stations were friendly and cheering us on as well: one volunteer kept telling me I was almost there every time I went by...not exactly true on loop 2 of 10, but she thought it was funny, anyway! Then, there are the runners. The course that we ran has several places where there were runners going in opposite directions on the same road. Because of this, there was a lot of mutual encouragement going on, especially between those of us doing the 25k solo (it was also a relay, with teams of 5 doing a 5k each.).
The course for the race--two times around this was a 5k. (except that a couple of runners wearing Garmins mentioned that 10x around the course was actually more than that--my nano says I ran 17.74 miles, but I also veered off course to use the bathroom several times.).
Then, the non-running members of the 5k teams started cheering all of us on as we ran through the stadium....Until the last person on their team finished, there was this one team that was helping me to count my laps--something that I'm incredibly thankful for. The girl that finished fourth from the end lost track, and they made her do one more lap just to make sure (which is why she was fourth from the end...she would have been done much earlier otherwise)! There were also a lot of mini-conversations going on, especially near the end of the race...the "how much further do you have to go?" conversations, as well as the "where are you from?" and "Why did you decide to run this race?" type of conversations. By the end of the race, I didn't feel like I had come to race on my own, as so many of the people there were willing to share their cheering with anyone that ran, not just for their friends or fellow relay team-members. In fact, as I was getting into my car, one of the ladies that I talked to during the race made a point to tell me that she hoped that I had a good time for my remaining stay in San Antonio before she got into her own car to drive away.
Me before the race. It started pouring about 10 minutes later, and continued to do so for most of my first lap. Then, it quit raining for the majority of the race, only to start again as I began my last lap. I think God knew that my fellow passengers really didn't want to be smelling me all the way to El Paso!
The race itself was difficult, as I was not really prepared for it. First of all, running in 60% humidity as opposed to our normal humidity of less than 10% is BRUTAL!!! It really helped that the rain kept it relatively cool, as I doubt I would have finished if it had been both hot and humid. Then, about half-way through my second lap, I realized that I was getting hungry--I hadn't eaten enough breakfast! The plan this morning had been to eat some yogurt and a couple of bananas, but in the process of packing and checking out, the bananas got forgotten. One cup of yogurt is just not sufficient, and I should have known better. I had those Cliff's electrolyte Bloks, and that helped. They also had bananas at the finish line, so I snagged a couple as I was going through.
My running gear and the banana I was supposed to eat for breakfast this morning...it is in a plastic bag because all of it is sopping wet, including my shoes. I'm going to have to put it in the dryer as soon as I get home tonight, although the shoes will just get paper stuffed into them.
It is truly God's grace that I didn't bonk (for those of you who are non-runners, to bonk means that you basically burn all of your available energy and your body begins to shut down because of it--nausea, fuzzy-headedness, and possible passing out ensues). And, all week long, I have been eating things that my body isn't used to, so this morning, about lap three, the runners trots hit. At least my bowels were empty by the time I hit lap five, so I was able to avoid the bathrooms for the rest of the race. Because I didn't train like I should have, I ended up hurting myself--my right IT band seems to be injured, so my thigh and knee on that side hurts when I make them bear weight (I might have pulled my groin muscle as well to compensate for the IT band issues). I'm currently hobbling around like a little old lady here at the airport, and plan to go to the doctor some time tomorrow to get it checked out. The longer I am sedentary, the more it hurts, so I'm thinking that this will be especially important! My clock time was about 3:57:39, and considering that I had so many issues, I'm just glad that the time wasn't worse. I finished third from the end, but I finished. I will likely have to sit out from running for at least a week, and I'm sad about that, but I'm glad that I stayed for the race. A marathon is only 10.7 miles further, so as long as I can train well and stay healthy, I should be able to do so with flying colors come October.
Me after the race. I'm soaking and tired and hurting, but very happy that I finished!
I have to say that, the more I learn about and experience the running community, the more I'm glad that I'm a runner!
And this is a close-up of my medal. I think I like this medal better than the one from my half-marathon...Now that I have made that threshold, I think any further half-marathons I do will be chosen based on the coolness of their medals. Why run for an ugly one???
Yes, I know that it is about drinking, and I don't particularly like that part of it, but it reminds me of my college years, since it came out the year that I graduated with my BA....Considering that I really didn't emotionally become a rebellious teenager until after I graduated with my BA, it is part of what I would consider my youth.
It also has a very good message to it--kind of like one of my favorite songs from the Fred and Ginger movies...(it isn't my favorite dance scene with them, though...if you want to see that, click here).
While I have been here in San Antonio this past week, I needed to go to Confession, and these 2 songs are really part of the reason why I think that Confession probably ties for my favorite Sacrament with the Blessed Sacrament. I always dread going, but I'm always so incredibly blessed in having gone. What always strikes me is that, even though I almost always have a different Confessor when I go, the Lord seems to always speak to me through the priest, and will often get to the heart of what I am struggling with.
When I was still in the process of converting from Protestantism, my sister Sarah asked me about confession, and her big question was "Why do you have to confess to a priest?" I could have whipped out my Bible and showed her in John 20:21-23 where Jesus Delegated/gave the power to forgive sins to his Disciples, and then explain how that Authority has been passed on from them to priests. I could have explained that, when a priest says, "I absolve you," He is acting "In Persona Christi" --he is a flesh and blood stand-in for Christ in that moment--While I am sitting across from the priest, I am not only telling them to him, but to Christ who is the one who forgives my sins. I could have talked about how there is something incredibly powerful to physically hear that my sins are forgiven--I don't know about anyone else, but as a protestant, I tended to ask the Lord to forgive me over and over for each incidence of my sins. When I confess to a priest, the physical act of doing so helps me, more than anything else, to truly leave my brokenness and sinfulness at the foot of the Cross.
I could have talked about how humbling myself to admit my sins to another person acts both as a change agent and as a deterrent in the future--and the nice thing about doing so with a priest is that I don't have to worry about it going viral (I've actually read blogs and heard talks by priests about confession, and one thing all of them seem to say is that God gives them the gift of forgetfulness--they don't remember what we say in the confessional). Instead, I talked about the fact that part of the confession process is to get a little bit of advice from the priest about how to get out of the habit of sinning. For me, that is probably the best part of Confession--I'm getting help to break the habits and behaviors that strangle or cut off the Grace God wants to give me daily. I actually correlated it with going to a psychologist, and I have to say that I found her response rather humorous--she changed the subject because I was "making too much sense" for her comfort!
I also think that I am naturally gravitating toward songs like this because of my divorce...I feel like my life is kind of starting over--and I've been going a little crazy with trying to catch up on things that I have always wanted to do but never have...this past week, I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly, for instance (and no liquid courage was involved: I got up there of my own volition, and had a blast jamming out to the music)--the evening didn't end as nicely as I would have liked, but the beginning of the night was just a lot of good clean fun. I also sang karaoke for the first time in my life (and I want to do it again!!!)! I'm beginning to learn that it is okay to be a little crazy at times, and to let my crazy side out, within reason. I'm learning to figure out my own boundaries again as I get re-acquainted with myself.
It is funny, because I thought that my suicide attempt 12 years ago taught me about all of my limits and who I was--where my rock bottom was, and exactly how much pain/hurt/anguish I could handle. Now, I'm beginning to learn about the boundaries on the other side of my life--things like what is and isn't fun for me; whether getting buzzed should be a part of that equation (it isn't--life is more fun when you aren't buzzed, IMHO), and how much I'm willing to drink socially (the usual limit is 1 drink, although I will extend that to 3 over the course of a night if we are out for a long time or it is a special occasion). I'm discovering that I am more than the internal commentary in my ex's voice about how I have no sense of humor, that I'm no fun, and that I have no singing voice. I am enjoying going out with friends and colleagues, especially when we go dancing or singing karaoke, but I also know that things will eventually calm down some--I'm not really a true party girl....Too often, I still feel like the awkward teenager who doesn't know how to react in social situations!
Even so, I want to get out and do things more than I have in the past. One thing that I've really been working on doing is increasing my circle of friends and reconnecting with old friends. I will probably never have a huge amount of really close friends, but it would be nice to have people I can call and plan stuff with, rather than spend most of my time sitting at home and reading. Honestly, I don't want to spend every night out doing stuff, but it is nice to have one to two nights a week where I am doing something social. That is why I love my running club so much, and why, even before I got divorced, I wasn't willing to miss my monthly book club unless I had a very good reason. At running club, I still feel very much like the awkward 13-year-old me trying to hang out with the cool kids, but I'm finally beginning to make real connections, so that feeling is slowly dissipating. Who knows? Maybe I will BE one of the cool kids by the time that I quit feeling like 13-year-old me!
So, I will leave you with two songs that have become my personal anthems lately, and are along the lines of the original song that started this post...
This is a song I fell in love with while playing Singstar at a friend's house. It also has the benefit of being a GREAT song to run to!
And this is just a great song about starting over, and about having hope that there is life after the pain. It is this song that makes me love Taylor Swift.
It is bone deep... Even in the marrow, and No amount of running Will excise it-- It simply delays the inevitable: Mind-numbing, endorphine producing Silence.
It returns... Throbbing, pulsing, oozing The digits fall off one by one: Goodbye Hope; Goodbye Comfort Goodbye Certainty. Replaced by Should I have...? What if I...? What about...?
The happiness drains In a slow drip. Drip. Drip. Who am i to want, to succeed? Who am i to strive, to conquer? What i most dreaded Has now come to pass-- i AM my own worst enemy.
This reminds me of an episode of ER, where the geeky bald dude with the glasses starts dating 2 ladies at once. When one of them, a psychologist from the Psych ward, finds out about it, she puts a rubber-band around his wrist and says that this is a strategy that they use with the OCD patients to help them break obsessive thoughts. She then pulls the rubber-band back and lets it go, telling him, that, whenever he get's the idea of dating two girls at once again, he should snap it.
For me, at least, working in Academia has one huge hazard--over-analysis. I'm paid to think critically and to sift through data on a regular basis. Unfortunately, I tend to do the same thing in my personal life, and the process sucks all the joy and fun out of life...when I look at the world with child-like wonder, it is a beautiful, joyful, enjoyable place that I love to be a part of. I think I need a rubber-band.
So, it looks like I will be going on my Camino earlier than I thought I would....In fact, I will be leaving on August 29th in the afternoon, arriving in the afternoon on August 30th, and then returning on September 23rd. So, I will be in the below picture in 108 days!
I'm not sure where on the Camino this picture was taken, but I loved the way the clouds look--A lot like rainy season here at home!
I won't be going the whole 500 miles from St. Jean Pied-de-Port (SJPDP), either, but I will be starting my Camino in Burgos, which is just a little less than 300 miles from Santiago de Compostela. Including rest days, I will be on the Camino for about 21 days, and I'm starting to get really excited, especially since I'm not going to have to deal with the awful weather that I was expecting in December. Besides, going a shorter distance means that I have an excuse to come back at a later date!
It also means that I won't need near the amount of gear that I thought I would. In fact, I have pretty much gotten all of my gear at this point. I am still debating about whether I need to buy a poncho, since northern Spain stays pretty wet year round. In fact, there is a member on the Camino forum whose signature says,
There are Liars, Damn Liars, and there is My Fair Lady--The rain in Spain falls mainly in Galicia!
So, I'm thinking that getting a poncho is still a good idea, but will likely pick that up once I'm in Spain unless I can find a really good deal online. Rather than take an extra device, I'm getting a Skype account that I can use on my tablet in order to stay in contact with people back at home. This lowers my costs, and it will allow me to be able to talk to family/friends for free. Please e-mail me with your Skype account if you want me to contact you while on the Camino. I will be buying my ticket first thing in June, so that is the next major purchase, and I got my passport photos taken last night. I will be sending in my application at the end of the week.
It is still too early to get my pilgrim's credential, but have it on my calendar so that I remember to order it from the American Camino de Santiago Pilgirms office at the end of this month...I can't request one until I am under 3 months from going.
This is a picture of a filled pilgrim's credential. It will be my proof that I have walked as far as I say I've walked...They will look at this when I get to Santiago and won't give me my Compostela unless I have the right amount of stamps--specifically from Sarria onward.
Once I knew that I would be leaving sooner than I originally planned, I bought a book that tells of some of this history of the Camino, as well as important points of interest along the way, but I already know about a couple of places that I plan to visit for sure. The first is the Cruz de Ferro. It is a big cross that is along the trail that was erected in order to mark the Rabanal pass, which is also the highest point on the Camino. It is close to the 2/3 mark from SJPDP, and it has become a place where you let go of your worries, sins, etc. on the trail, usually represented by a memento or pebble that you have carried with you from home. I still haven't found the rock that I'm going to take, but will pick one up in the next few months on one of my hikes. Anyone who wants to give me a pebble with your name or other message on it, I will pray for you along the way and leave your worries at the foot of the Cross as well (both figuratively and physically!). Please just keep it small, as I have to carry that weight with me for most of my trip!
This is a picture of Cruz de Ferro.
The other place that I know that I'm going to stop at is O Cebriero. This is the spot of a Eucharistic Miracle, so it is a priority for me to go there. It is because of the doctrine of the Eucharist and John 6 that I am Catholic, so Eucharistic miracles hold a very special place in my heart. Visiting Lanciano, Italy is on my bucket list of pilgrimage sites, so being able to go to the site of another Eucharistic miracle is very important to me. It was one of my greatest concerns about going in the winter, as O Cebriero is near the top of a mountain pass and is often snowed in in winter. I'm really glad that this is no longer an issue, and that I can safely expect to be able to visit there.
This will probably screw up the training for my Marathon in October, but in the end, it is totally worth it. I can always try again at the next El Paso Marathon if I end up not being able to finish the one in Albuquerque. Besides, even if I'm not running, I will be walking between 20 and 32 km per day with about 15 lbs on my back, which translates to between 12 and 20 miles a day. If that doesn't help my endurance, I don't know what will!!!
I don't know why anyone would want to abandon their boots while still walking the Camino, even if they ARE incredibly uncomfortable...it makes for an interesting picture, though! This is one of the many trail markers on the Camino.
P.S.--In case you are wondering, Ultreia is one of the traditional greetings given to pilgrims while on the trail...from what I understand, it means something like "further," and is an encouragement to keep going. Really, that is what a pilgrimage is about--moving further in your journey to your destination, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Someone posted a link to the following blog on Facebook today, and I got distracted by it, but in the process, I found this little gem of a post: http://myexgayjourney.blogspot.com/2013/01/what-is-love.html. Here is a quote from that post...
My ex-partner argued with me after he left that there are “several different types of love.” He pointed out that the Greeks have “five different words for it.” I emphatically disagree. There is ONLY ONE TYPE OF LOVE. There are many ways of giving it and various degrees of intensity, but there is ONLY ONE KIND because all love comes from God and is impossible to experience apart from Him. There are lots of feelings and emotions that people mistakenly call “love.” These emotions, feelings, and attractions are not necessarily bad things, but they should never ever be mistaken for “Love.” Love is an Action Verb and it is a gift that is given.It is not ever a feeling or an emotion. We do ourselves and others a grave disservice when we adopt the view that there is any other form of “Love” other than what is described in detail 1 Corinthians 13.
Later he says:
You mentioned "Romeo and Juliet" in your other email and that you often felt emotions similar to theirs and their "forbidden love." I can relate to what you are describing, but I do not believe that Romeo Loved Juliet. I'm serious! What they had was the Opposite of Love. Shakespeare’s play showed this, but our modern view has distorted everything. I personally believe that Shakespeare never intended anyone to believe that Romeo and Juliet loved each other in any way, shape, or form. For one thing the 16th century view of suicide was much different from our modern sympathetic view.
The only character in the play who demonstrates Love is Paris . He is the one who really and truly Loves Juliet.
Take a look at the opening Prologue of Romeo & Juliet. It is clear that Shakespeare did not view Romeo and Juliet’s relationship as healthy or loving in any way. He calls it “death-marked” for a reason.
He goes on to show why what Romeo and Juliet shared isn't love, and I was struck by the deconstruction of the relationship between Romeo and Juliet--it never occurred to me in High School when we read this play that Shakespeare might have been commenting on the paucity of their love. Instead, I was enthralled with the modern idea of romantic love I projected into the play. During high school, I spent most of my waking hours thinking about being in love, talking about being in love, reading about being in love (I had a 3-4 harlequin romance a week habit--I no longer read romance novels, thank God!), watching movies about being in love, or dreaming about being in love. I had this notion that I would meet THE ONE in high school like my parents did. I even ended up in a couple of long distance relationships where I read a lot more into the relationship than was actually there--I was actually engaged to one of them for a while in college!
Like the above author states, our culture has mistaken the feelings based on infatuation and fantasies for real love. My ex used to quote the movie Willow and tell me, "You are my sun, my moon, my starlit night. Without you, I dwell in darkness," And it would usually make me feel incredibly uncomfortable--yes, I was flattered, but the quote didn't actually reflect our relationship, and frankly, it wasn't a role that I wanted to have in his life. I often felt like I had become an idol in his life, and I didn't like that feeling. Early in our marriage, I let him know that I didn't feel comfortable being on a pedestal, but I eventually quit trying to correct him--it was a losing proposition....Maybe he was right and he didn't have me on a pedestal, but he clearly wasn't engaged with the real me either. Rather, I was a stand-in for who he thought I was, and anything that didn't fit his ideal was rejected, made fun of, or otherwise censured. For instance, I didn't sing for almost 10 years when he was around, not even in the shower, because he told me repeatedly that I couldn't sing. The funny thing is that I'm not really angry with him for this--I honestly don't think that he understood what he was doing or that it was even wrong. I'm angry (actually, I'm livid) with myself for allowing this to go on for so long--for being complicit in his disordered behavior. I'm a pretty intelligent person, and I allowed this to happen when I should know better.
So, I hid my thoughts and feelings almost from the very beginning of our marriage--to hide who I was--in order to either keep the peace or keep from getting sniped at. Over and over in my journals, I wrote that I couldn't tell my ex or that my ex didn't understand, or that my ex would get mad if he knew _______. I became a chameleon that took on the colors of her surroundings in order to please my ex. When we were separated the first time, I started to remove the mask, but began wearing it again when my ex and I got back together--it fit badly, and the mask reeked, but it was the only way to save my marriage. It is only in the last three to four years that I have begun to show who I truly am again--to remove the mask I have been hiding behind, and I credit my conversion to Catholicism for that. Something about internalizing that each human has intrinsic value gave me courage, and the graces of the sacraments didn't hurt either!
I'm older, and, I hope, wiser than I was when I first married my ex. I'm also a lot more confident in who I am, and I know that the Lord has done an incredible healing work in my life. In the process of growing up, healing, etc., I have come to the conclusion that it serves no one to hide who you are in a relationship. My actions have probably swung to the opposite side of the continuum: to over-disclosure, but I guess I'd rather be a little socially awkward and risk scaring the people around me than to hide who I am anymore. I've also noticed in my own life that deception begets deception--it becomes easier to justify deception the more we practice deception of any kind. I don't want to be good at deception, and that means unlearning and modifying behavior, even when it is hard to be honest. I realize that prudence must play a part in this, and I'm not going to blurt out my whole life to a perfect stranger (not even a co-worker or acquaintance). However, I am more willing to put who I am out there than I have been my whole life.
Going out dancing recently is a case in point--I mentioned to my niece that I really wanted to dance, and she told me to just go ask someone. Then she said something that I find really profound: "It's just a dance." Whether they say yes, or they say no, it is just a dance, not the end of the world. So, I asked a few gentlemen to dance, volunteered once when some teenager was rejected by a girl sitting near me, and I had a lot of fun. Like my real life, if people don't like me for who I am, then, "It's just a dance." Not the end of the world, not the last chance ever to have a friend, and not the reason to go back into the self-made cage that I'm working on dismantling bar by bar.
When we finally separated for good, my ex told me that he missed the woman that he fell in love with, but apparently she didn't exist anymore. In a sense, he was right, but I don't think the girl he fell in love with ever existed. Instead, I pretended to be her, I'm not sure why, and I hurt both of us in the process. Now comes the hard work of healing, forgiving, and becoming the person God wants me to be.
My niece had her first communion today, and it was really sweet to see all of the little girls in little white dresses and veils, as well as all of the little boys in suits. As I watched all of them go up, I was struck by how similar wedding dresses are to the first communion dresses that the little girls were wearing. While I should have been paying attention to the scripture readings, I was thinking about some of the reading I did about the Catholic Church before I converted, and how many theologians say that taking communion is the consummation of our relationship with Jesus, much like sex is the consummation of a relationship between a man and a woman in marriage. Part of this is because they both serve similar purposes--both have both unitive and creative aspects to them. With sex, it should bring a married couple closer together (be unitive physically, emotionally, and spiritually), and there is always the possibility that a baby will come out of it nine months later (the creative aspect). With the Eucharist, the unitive aspect is that we are taking in our Savior, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity--so there is literal uniting of ourselves to Him--and the creative aspect is that, when we take communion with the right disposition, it will birth new life in us. I don't think I would have noticed the imagery of the white dresses and veils as a protestant, so I have to say that it was really cool to see and understand it today. I also think that this is part of the reason that it used to be that a person's first Communion was usually around the age of 15 or 16--the analogy is much more powerful, and the wait creates a longing in us for our Beloved, much like the wait of an engagement does for our physical spouse.
My niece in her First Communion Dress. Isn't she beautiful?
So, with these ideas swirling around my head this morning, I have been thinking about my own failed marriage as well as my own relationship with Jesus. One of the contributing factors in my own marriage's demise was the fact that I was never in love with my ex. I cared about him, but not with the passion that one should have for a spouse. In truth, I don't think that I have ever been in love with anyone, in spite of the fact that I was engaged or almost engaged several times before I married my ex. While there was one guy that I was close to being in love with, I'm not sure that I can really say I was in love with him either. I think that the potential was there but never realized for some reason, probably due to our mutual immaturity at the time. At 37 years old, I find that sad and slightly tragic. I know that much of the reason that I married my ex was because I was vulnerable and still deeply hurting from a recent bout with depression--I didn't trust my own judgement, so when my ex told me that he knew I was the person God had for him, I trusted in that rather than try to discern God's will for myself.
I also have to wonder at my motivations for getting engaged or talking about engagement in the other relationships before my ex--was I just that desperate to be married? Was it because of pressure from family? Was I that silly and immature (that would be a resounding YES!!!)? I look at me way back then, and go, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????" I've spent time looking at the journal entries, and I know that some of it was just being in love with the idea of being in love. The fact that my parents expected me to leave college with an MRS degree, not the BA and MA that I ended up with also contributed.
So did our culture...even as I am rediscovering my love for Country music and other genres, I'm finding that some songs are just problematic. They glorify sex as love (remember "I think we're alone now"?), or they talk about love as it should be, and I find myself longing for a love like that rather than being content with the place where God has me.
This song is a case in point. I love this song for lots of reasons. The singer is great and the sentiment is one I think just about every female would love to say about their significant other. I would also argue that every woman in a good marriage has things their husbands do on a regular basis that "makes them cry" in a good way. At the same time, this kind of song is perfect fodder for envy, and maybe the creation of unrealistic expectations. When a guy hears stuff like this, does he think, "there's no way I can live up to this," or does he go, "I want to do that for my significant other"? If I were a guy, I might lean more toward the former than the latter.
This is another example. While it is a lot more realistic, it still makes me wonder if I will ever truly fall in love. And this thought is usually followed by wondering whether any guy I would be willing to date would be willing to date me. I can think of all of the reasons why they wouldn't be: I'm divorced, which at least points to the possibility that I'm not willing/able to commit to a forever relationship; It also points to some major baggage; I'm chaste, which is very rare in our society, especially for a divorcee; I am a faithful Christian, and expect them to be the same; I'm Catholic and I plan to raise any children I have as Catholics; I have a history of major depression; I have eclectic tastes in music; I have food allergies out the wazoo--even I have trouble keeping track of them; the litany goes on and on....
Then I find songs like this--the songs that say exactly what I feel about a particular situation. I've come to the conclusion that, like the name of this song, I'm hard to love: I'm one of those high maintenance females that guys don't like to date. I'm working on that, but my many allergies mean that I'm going to be higher maintenance than most women. I mean, at some point I'll have to have a conversation with him about not using fabric softener anymore, and just choosing a restaurant is fodder for nightmares...This is not the picture of low maintenance!!!
And yet, lately I have found myself praying that the Lord would allow me to be head over heels in love at least once in my life--with Him and maybe with another human being, even if the second comes to nothing. Is it wrong to want to experience the pinnacle of what it means to be human? It might be that I'm overdosing on Country Music, and I need to cut back on my consumption...I probably DO need to cut back on how much country music I'm listening to, but I doubt that this is the only reason for my prayers. Scripture says in I John 4 that God IS Love. When we are in love with another person, the best of who we are comes out--it is also through love that we come to know God. Think about it--when we are in love with another person, we study them, try to think of ways to please them, and our longing is for their company...and that is what we should be doing with God. Additionally, love for others is probably the best remedy for selfishness, and all of us struggle with that particular propensity!
I know that I'm really not ready to begin any kind of relationship--my ex has only been out of the house for 7 months, and the divorce has only been final for about 5, not to mention the fact that I won't truly be free for a relationship until I have heard about what the Tribunal says about my annulment application. I can't help but think about it, though.
And that, in and of itself can be dangerous, as it can set up expectations that no human being could ever meet. I quit reading romance novels in college because I realized that it created unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be. Really, I should know better, as none of my relationships have followed what is considered to be a "typical" pattern--you know, where the guy gets up the courage to talk to the girl, and then pursues her relentlessly until he wins her heart and they ride off into the sunset together....typical romantic comedy drivel! However, when guys have pursued me like that, it has felt more like the story line from Mr. Wrong, than it has happily ever after!
There is a very real part of my heart that wants....something, I'm not sure what to call it, in my romantic relationships....I guess the best way to explain it is a cross between being cherished for who I am, to not be afraid of showing the whole world that he wants to spend time with me, for him to be willing and able to stand toe to toe with me if he disagrees (I have out-stubborned most of the guys I have dated), to not be afraid to hold me as I blubber and get his shirt all wet, to value my opinion and me as a person, to discuss intellectual issues with an open mind, to be desired by him physically, and for him to proactively seek to help me get to Heaven. In short, I guess I want him to be in love with me, too, and that has also been missing in my relationships to this point (or at least it has from my perspective--I could be wrong).
That is why I take solace in the following verse from Jeremiah 31: 3-6
The Lord appeared to us in the past,saying:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. 4 I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful. 5 Again you will plant vineyards on the hills of Samaria; the farmers will plant them and enjoy their fruit. 6 There will be a day when watchmen cry out on the hills of Ephraim, ‘Come, let us go up to Zion, to the Lord our God.’”
No matter what happens with the humans around me, God already loves me like that, and even when I cry out with longing for human companionship, the Lord is there to comfort me, cherish me, and draw me closer to Him.
So, I took some time today to look at the gear I have and see if I can fit it into my backpack and/or how much it is all going to weigh. Based on what I have learned and what I have bought, I currently have the following for my Camino Trip:
This is everything on the list below.
Basically the clothes/personal items
Outerwear and backpack/sleeping bag
Toiletries and my new shoes!
Socks, 8 pr (4 pr regular hiking, 2 pr thin hiking, and 2 pr fuzzy socks for night)
1 pr long underwear
1pr running capris
1 pr running tights
cetirizine (allergy meds)
Scrubby sponge
Flip Flops
comb
razor
glue stick
head lamp
bandannas (2)
Waterproof matches
Insulated mug
Water bottle
Camera
ballet shoes
fleece jacket
Long sleeved shirt (2)
Short sleeved shirts (3)
Sports bra (2)
Fleece Scarf
Gloves
Beanie hat
Towel
Dr. Bronners
Soap Caddy
Soap
Journal
Feminine Pads
Airtight container
ziplock bags
First aid kit
Ear plugs
Toothbrush and toothpaste
knife
sunglasses
writing utensils
fingernail clippers
hand sanitizer
phone
hiking shoes
knee brace
wind breaker
backpack
Sleeping bag and compression sack
iPad
Emergency Blanket
I still need:
Drinking Bladder
Waterproof/woolen gloves
Gaiters
Rain Coat
Poncho
Hiking underwear (2-3 pr)
Hiking skirt
Running tights (1 pr--would replace the long underwear since I could wear them without anything on top of it)
Hiking gas stove
Blister care
Power converter
Extra batteries/rechargeable batteries and charger
Total weight of everything I have BEFORE the gear that I still need: 20.5 lbs. Now, about 2 of that are my shoes, and another 1-2 lb will account for clothing that I will be wearing. I need to try to pare down what I have to get it lighter, which will probably mean that I will need to get rid of some duplicates. I also forgot to get my hiking poles out of my car so that I could weigh them and pack them....they add about a lb each. I should also try to find a lighter journal, since the one that I was planning on taking weighs 12.5 oz. It has the benefit of being free, but I am going to need to shave off more weight, not to mention space!
I could barely fit everything into my backpack that was laid out. I have absolutely no idea where I'm going to find the room to add a drinking bladder, a rain coat, and a poncho, not to mention gaiters!
Even though I really didn't want the weight of bigger pack, I'm thinking that I really should have gotten one that was at least a 40 liter. Instead, I got an Osprey Sirrus 36. I'm also going to need someone to teach me how to pack this thing, as it just might be my bad packing skills that is causing my gear to barely fit. I'm most surprised at how much of my pack is taken up by my sleeping bag, even in a compression sack! I would say that it probably takes up 2/3 of my pack, so space is really at a premium, and unfortunately, it will only fit in my pack oriented vertically rather than horizontally. Part of me also wonders if it will take less space if I take it out of the compression sack completely...I suppose I could see if I could find a different compression sack, but I really doubt that it can be compressed more than it is in the compression sack that came with the sleeping bag--I am amazed at how much air can be squeezed out of it as it is...Down is a wonderful thing!
My sleeping bag: a Big Agnes Fria, rated at 15*F, and only 3 lbs!
These wouldn't fit, but I expect them to be on my feet and face, so that isn't a problem!
In spite of being a good 5 lbs heavier than I wanted it to be, I'm glad that I went to REI and got fitted for the backpack--it is surprisingly comfortable when on my back. At the same time, I haven't taken it hiking yet, so just putting it on around the house doesn't really count. That will be the next step--taking it for a hike while it is weighted down. I just want to get the rest of my gear first, though, so that I can know what the grand total is, as well as to figure out how to make it all fit into my pack!
Me with the backpack on.
and me with my backpack on from the back.
I have also come to the conclusion that, even though I would really like to use this backpack when I eventually through-hike the Appalachian Trail, it probably won't be big enough, especially when you figure in the 5-10 lbs of food that you need to have with you when hiking the AT. In fact, even though it will add weight, I'm thinking that I might need to return my pack to REI so that I can get one that is slightly bigger, that way I have a little bit of breathing room for gear if I need it. At least the sleeping bag is a really good one, so I can probably continue to use it for the next 10-12 years or so. I will just need to add a sleeping pad if I ever use it when camping. Since I will be staying in the Pilgrims' Hostels the whole trip, I won't need it for my Camino, though. From the research that I've been doing, Big Agnes is one of the better companies that create light and ultralight hiking and camping gear.
Things are starting to come together, and for that I'm incredibly thankful. The next step is to buy my plane ticket and renew my passport....I will be renewing my passport in May, and probably won't be able to buy my plane ticket until July/August. I'm really hoping that there is a sale about that time so that I won't be paying $1200 for the ticket, but I'm not really holding my breath....The price has held steady since January!
I am so excited about how the Lord is making things come together!!! The only thing I could wish for is someone who could and would walk with me. Even so, it is going to be a trip of a lifetime, and I get to share it with all of you, so I will just have to carry all of you with me.
