This was one of my favorite songs from growing up:
At least part of the reason why I like the song is that it captures the essence of Wanderlust for me...That elusive feeling that you don't know what it is, but you are missing something.
As I'm about 10 days away from my second Camino, I'm a little perplexed as to why I'm going. I really don't have any burning questions to ask God, and I don't really have any kind of spiritual or psychological healing that I feel I need. I'm in my dream job, I'm part of an awesome parish, I get to go to Adoration 2x/ week, and I (and the bank) own my home. I don't have that feeling of missing something, and honestly, that is something that I tend to feel at the two year mark of any position I've ever been in before.
I can honestly say that I'm content--or maybe blessed and grateful are better terms for what I'm feeling. Which brings me back to the question, "Why am I going? What am I looking for?"
I know that I've been called to do this Camino, and I AM looking forward to it, even though I know that it won't be anything like the first one. For one, I will be working as I go--I will be teaching all summer long online. This means that I will be more plugged in to what is going on in the world as well, since I have to stay on top of emails, etc. I'm also going to be tuned into every little thing my body tells me, and I know that, if my body tells me to, I will be skipping to the end. I don't anticipate that happening, but it is a possibility. I also know that, if things go really south, the pilgrim's office in Santiago are always looking for volunteers, so I could very well end up most or part of the summer volunteering until my plane trip home.
Even so, I really wonder what this Camino will be like, and how it will be the same/different from the last one. Something that many pilgrims say is the phrase, "The Camino Provides." As a Catholic Christian, I believe that it is God providing what we need through the intercession of St. James, but, based on my experience, those of us who are Christians and doing this as a spiritual exercise are in the minority. No matter what, you often find yourself at the right place at the right time, and you get exactly what you need to be encouraged/helped/taught along the way. Also, the lessons you learn may or may not be the ones that you start your trek hoping to learn.
Actually, I suspect that God really wants to teach me about His provision this trip: every time I start to think about where I might want to end my stages or figure out mileage or make sure that I have enough time to finish the full Camino, I feel like the Holy Spirit is whispering in my ear, "Ditch the plan, Ruth. Trust Me." And, that is why I think that God hasn't laid some burning question on my heart or my mind. My job is to be open to whatever lesson He wants to teach me.
With that in mind, I'm on the lookout for a short prayer that I can pray daily while on the Camino, and which reflects that openness. If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.
And, one good song from my childhood deserves another. This is also my prayer:
Yesterday was Palm Sunday, and the gospel is something that is a bit different from normal--as a congregation we get to interact and read part of the story, because the narrative of Christ's passion is broken up into parts, and those of us in the pews become the voices of the crowd. This is something very powerful for me, and I don't know that I have ever gotten through the gospel reading on Palm Sunday with a dry eye.
The point where I tend to get a little teary is when we must cry out, "Crucify him." It is a visceral reminder that I am the reason for Christ's sacrifice on the cross, and that I'm always one decision away from denying Christ as Peter did.
Yet again, I am in amazement at the wisdom of the Church and of the liturgical year. This has been a rough lent, with my discipline and being able to follow through with my Lenten discipline being spotty at best. However, I'm also so incredibly thankful for the reminder of Christ's sacrifice for each of us, and for this coming week when we finally celebrate our Risen Lord.
Even as the darkest days are yet to come, with Good Friday this week, we don't have to stay there. As at the beginning of the Easter vigil, when we start with the words, "the Light of Christ," so too can we say with Isaiah, "The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light!"
May He illuminate our lives and our hearts, and may Lenten mourning be transformed into Easter Joy!
Ever since the first time I separated from my ex, I have flirted with the idea of getting a tattoo. Back then, I always said that said tattoo would be a phoenix rising from the ashes:
Something like this, actually, but I always wanted it to be full color.
This symbol is very powerful for me, because it speaks to the process I feel that I've gone through as I've processed and healed from my divorce. And yet, something has always held me back from actually doing it.
It has to do with the permanency of a tattoo...I'm not sure that I'm willing to commit to a mark on my skin that is going to be there for the rest of my life. Which, really, is kind of funny, because I once committed to wearing a ring on my finger in a sign of commitment "til death do us part." And, while I was married, I pretty much didn't take it off unless my fingers were swelling. Even almost 3 years later, I can still feel a bit of the dent left by wearing a ring for almost 11 years.
However, I've begun thinking about getting a tattoo again, and much of it has to do with the time I spent with the Sisters in Chicago (This article talks about the order I was volunteering with, and this is their website). You see, the sisters say the Angelus 3x/day, and part of it has been echoing in my heart and my mind:
Be it done
to me according
to Your Word.
This echo of Mary's Yes to God, it seems to me, is the heart of following Christ, and if I ever DO decide to get a tattoo, it will be of those nine momentous words. In some ways, it would be a way of formalizing the yes I tell Him daily. I still like the image of the Phoenix, but I'm no longer in the process of rising from the ashes. It no longer fits, somehow.
I'm still undecided about getting any kind of tattoo, and some of it is cost. I have a hard time justifying $100 for 9 words. And, I keep coming back to whether I really NEED to formalize the yes I say to God. The nice thing is that I don't have to make this decision today, or even tomorrow. Instead, like one of the postulants told me while I was there, all I need to do is know what God wants of me right now, not 2, 3, 5, or 10 years from now. And, that is where my daily yes comes from. The rest will work itself out as I do what is before me in the here and now. May we all echo Mary and say, "behold the handmaid of the Lord: be it done to me according to your word."
I'm really liking working within the framework of a Sonnet, so I'm going to try to write a sonnet a week for a while, and will post them on Saturdays. It just seemed appropriate. :-)
There is a story behind this particular sonnet, and it all began with a discussion about the lenten reflection by Father Barron on Rose windows. As we were talking about it, both my sister and I were talking about how God seems to be in the process of rearranging us and our priorities. As I reflected on it that night as I was trying to sleep, the last line of the poem came to me, and I just had to finish it out.
The Rose Window (Sonnet #2)
He searches the debris with studied care
A little red here, that small shard of blue
And snatches each fraction with Love's bright flare.
Others He passes, darkened hues untrue.
Shattered, I survey the scattered ruins
Even as He picks through colored scraps.
My pride seeks full redress in illusion,
Not aware jilted flaws will cause relapse.
He smiles at my folly, still searching through
The fragments of my plans, hopes, wishes, dreams.
His hands never waver--His stance shifts the view--
And points to the specimen he redeems.
The partial rose window hold me en masse:
We shall be God's masterpiece in stained glass.
One of the main Rose windows in the Cathedral in Leon, Spain.
I love this song from the Shrek soundtrack. It is the only soundtrack that I bought immediately after seeing the film for the first time--mostly because of this song. While this song is very somber, there is nothing somber about the Easter season. Somberness is reserved for lent.
In lent, the flowers on the altar become more understated or disappear altogether; We quit saying Alleluia before the Gospel reading; we omit the Gloria at the beginning of Mass as well. Worship becomes stark, and it reinforces the idea that now is the time to fast, pray, and do penance.
And then, Easter comes. Just as with many things in Catholicism, the order of worship reflects the feelings and tone of that part of the liturgical year. This is why the Easter Vigil has to be my favorite service of the year. It begins outside the sanctuary by a bonfire as the sun is setting. Then, the Christ candle is lit from the bonfire while the Story of Christ's death and resurrection are briefly recounted through the Easter Proclamation. Then, from the Christ candle, candles that each participant holds are lit. Traditionally, the sanctuary remains dark for the first part of the Mass, except for the candles that the congregants hold. Then, the Priest, as he is entering the sanctuary, says, loudly, "The light of Christ" and we respond, "Thanks be to God." This part always brings to mind the verses from Isaiah 9:
The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
Upon those who lived in a land of gloom
a light has shone.
What I love most about the Easter Vigil, though, is the fact that the whole of the salvation story is recounted. There are 7 readings from the Old Testament that are traditionally read (although you usually only hear 4 for the sake of time), as well as a reading from the New Testament and the Gospel narrative of the resurrection. Then, any adults that are entering the Church receive the sacraments of initiation (Baptism if needed, First Communion, and Confirmation). I love this part, too, as it reminds me of when I entered the Church.
On this night, we also sing/say the Gloria and the Alleluia for the first time in 7 weeks, and every time it makes my heart sing. I find that, as we go from darkness to light, from fasting to feasting, from penance to praise, I am reminded of the verse in the Psalm 30:
For his anger lasts but a moment;
his favor a lifetime.
At dusk weeping comes for the night;
but at dawn there is rejoicing.
And then, the Easter Season begins. I love this, too. For, Easter doesn't end with one day. It lasts until Pentecost Sunday, and we officially celebrate Easter for 8 weeks. What a blessing that is--to remember the joy of Christ's resurrection for longer than we were "rending [our] hearts and not [our] garments" (Joel 2:13).
So, the liturgical year reminds me once again that weeping and rejoicing both have a place in my life. Sometimes, like in the song above, I rejoice through my tears--and when I do, sometimes that rejoicing is "a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah". For I often know that God has asked me to give up or has taken away from me those things which keep me from Him. In the process, I become better, more grounded, and ultimately, more like Him. May we grow closer to Jesus as we rejoice in this Easter season, just as we did in the fasting of Lent, and may we never lose sight of how much He did for us!
Fall is my favorite season. There is just something incredibly cheerful about the sound of crunching leaves beneath your feet, the weather being nippy enough to warrant having soup three to four times a week, and the anticipation of the coming holiday season. I also think that some of it has to do with the fact that I work in Academe, and fall is similar to New Year's for the rest of the business world. Fall whispers of possibilities, new beginnings, and the excitement of learning new things.
One of the barns that I passed as I walked the Camino last September
At the same time, the fall tends to slide from rioting colors, sunny but cool days, and an abundance of produce to the dormant, dreary days of winter. The leafy bows of trees become a lacy latticework of branches and twigs. The cool becomes cold, and the winds morph from refreshing to biting and bitter. While we live in an area of the country where we haven't experienced near the cold as other places in the country, it has been rather cold of late. For me, winter are the months of hunkering down underneath mountains of covers, fuzzy socks, the never-ending cup of tea, and wishing that I were young enough to still rock a pair of ear muffs. Instead, my ears get cold enough that I begin to actually contemplate growing my hair out in order to keep them warm!
I know I'm too old for these, but I still think they are cute--Hello Kitty Rocks!
Just like the ebb and flow of the liturgical year, I tend to go through seasons spiritually as well. Last year's Camino was fall for me--a veritable harvest of insights as I gloried in the broad brush strokes of riotous color. But, after once in a lifetime experiences like this, it is sometimes hard to transition back into the monotony of everyday life. The warm hues of autumn fade into the monochrome greys and whites of winter. You hunker down, lean into the wind, and plod on. And, as you do so, subtle changes occur in your life and heart. Even in winter, God is working in your life. The dormancy gives Him a chance to repair, to prune, to shore up weak areas, and to highlight areas that need growth. Fertilizer is mixed into the earth, and nutrients are absorbed. Nothing flashy, and much of it not seen or felt at all, but it is still going on.
And then, one day, you see it: the greenish sheen in that corner of the garden where the first blades of grass are peeking out. A few days later, you begin to see buds burgeoning on the limbs above you. The first flower peeks out at you. And, the next thing you know, it is spring, with all of its promise of new growth and the harvest to come. While we are still a good month or two away from spring physically, the hints of spring are once again showing up in my heart, and that is a wondrous thing.
The plum trees in bloom outside of my office building here on campus. Only another month or so until I see this sight again!
Last night, I got help from one of my friends in order to pack my back-pack, and it feels a little weird to be able to say that I'm all packed for my trip next week. Honestly, I don't know if I've EVER been packed this far in advance before, and I seriously doubt that it will ever happen again! Final Tally for my backpack: 17.6 lbs, plus a fanny pack that weighs another 3.6 lbs. It is more than I would have liked, but it includes my hiking boots and my walking poles, so I will actually be walking with less than that on my back. I'm pretty proud of myself for that, even if it IS more weight than I really wanted to take with me.
Because I was going to my friend's house straight from work, I brought my gear with me...When my boss saw the fanny pack, his comment was that I would look like a dork wearing the fanny pack. I actually agree with him, but don't know how else to keep tabs on my passport, etc. I would rather look like a dork than worry about losing my passport!
The amazing thing is that I actually have extra room in my backpack (Unlike most trips, I didn't have to do this!)--This is good, since it means I will be able to do things like carry a little food while I am walking, as well as be able to fill my water bladder!
I'm also getting close to where I need to be for work, and as long as my professors cooperate, I will have everything in good shape for while I'm gone. I still have some cleaning at home to do, as well as to do some purging so that I have a place for all of the stuff I plan to keep, but the plan is to do that on Saturday morning, especially since my niece will be waking me up at 6 AM in order to get a good start on the day before I bring my nephews to their football game in the afternoon. Then, the Bishop is going to be at the vigil Mass on Saturday, so I want to go to that as well. After that, the plan is to go dancing with my Niece, since she needs some time with me before I leave. I'm not sure that I can shoehorn anything else into Saturday if I tried!!!
The cart is my weekend, and I am feeling a little bit like the Burro!
My brother and his wife is also coming into town this weekend, so I wouldn't mind visiting with him a little bit at some point...We have a family dinner planned for Monday, so that may be the first time I can see him, but we will see. I'm not sure what else is planned at this point, so until I know, I can't plan much better than what I have.
It is only 7 days until I board a plane for Spain and I am beginning to get excited about my trip, although I am also dreading all of the things I still need to complete before I go. As time accelerates, my To Do List seems to get longer rather than shorter--and this is in SPITE of actually finishing items on my list! At the end of these 7 days, whether I finish everything on my list or not, I'm still heading toward the airport at 4 AM on August 29th, as well as boarding the plane at 6 AM.
I am flying Delta, then AirFrance (Operated by Delta) to Madrid...Unfortunately, I have a 6 hour layover in Atlanta.
So, the physical stuff is getting taken care of, and my attention has been drifting toward the spiritual side of my pilgrimage lately. It has been heading in that direction for a while, but the scripture passage that I feel like the Lord wants me to memorize has been steering me more in that direction...
As I mentioned in my last post, I will be memorizing Isaiah 54 while on my Camino, which is a bit of a difficult passage, since it could very well point to me having a vocation as a religious sister. (see verse 5, for instance, or even the first verse, where it talks about the desolate one having more children than her who is married.) I don't know for sure that I will be heading in that direction, but I feel like the Lord wants me to prepare for...SOMETHING...on this trip. I have already been working on memorizing this passage a little bit, and the second verse points to preparation--for making room--for what God wants to give me:
Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; hold not back, lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. (emphasis mine)
So, I've been thinking about and working on UN-packing the clutter and baggage that I have in my spirit/emotions. This isn't always easy, just as it isn't always easy to clean out our closets--most of us have that ONE outfit that, even though it doesn't fit right anymore, we keep, either because "I will be able to fit into it again one day." or "But I wore that outfit when..." I think that we do this spiritually as well, and in the process, we don't have room for the blessings and lessons that God wants to give us. Instead, we are too busy thinking, "Remember how much God blessed me way back when?" or, "Why can't God bless me the way He did 3 years ago?!?" Sometimes, we think more along the lines of, "I deserve to hold on to my anger at So-and-So because of what they did to me." or "It is OK if I continue to do X. It is only a little sin. God understands." And, the next thing we know, our spiritual house looks more like that of a hoarder's house than as the Tabernacle of Worship that it is supposed to be.
Does your heart look like this?
Really, I have been working on this since my divorce, but the process has been accelerating of late--I can let go of things I never thought I would be able to, and in the process, I have found a source of peace and joy that I had forgotten was available. I have been learning that both the Good and the Bad, when I hold on to it with inordinate attachment, can be just as cluttering as the other. I learned back in High School that the Lord gives us blessings in order for us to bless others--when I hold on to them, my heart becomes a stagnant pool and I start to grow spiritual scum, or I start to accumulate things that I don't need anymore, like the picture above. I don't want to be like that, so I am learning to let go--in Catholic Parlance, it is being detached--not just from physical things, but from spiritual consolations as well. How can the Lord do a new thing if I am clinging to the old?
I have a feeling that my Camino will make some things very clear to me, not just personally, but spiritually and professionally as well. I'm excited to be walking this path, but I also know that I need to make room for God to move in my life. So, in these last 7 days, I will continue the de-cluttering of my heart through prayer, confession, forgiveness, and extending a little grace to myself. As I continue to prepare, please pray for me.
A friend of mine posted a blog post on her Facebook page, which talks about 17 signs of a lack humility in our lives. This post struck me, as I show so many of these signs, maybe not consistently, but often enough to feel the ouch that comes from seeing your faults in the mirror of Christ....One COULD argue that the fact that I write a blog points to a lack of humility in and of itself!
Since I saw this list, I have been thinking about the list itself, but something else has struck me about humility--it seems to me that there is a relationship between humility and gratitude. In fact, I'm not sure that we can be grateful for the blessings in our lives unless we at least have a little bit of humility. When we are not humble, we tend to take the gifts in our lives for granted, or even have a sense of entitlement for these things. As I think about the gifts that I have been given, in family, friends, and the many other gifts that my life has been inundated with, I know that I'm not grateful enough for those gifts in my life. But, as I have been ruminating and praying about my lack of gratitude, I keep coming back to the above list, and I am inclined to believe that I don't have a gratitude problem, but a humility problem.
So often, I think more about what I can do, and what I need, and what I want to say to people. Even as I write this, I must admit that I was thinking about this post as I listened to the homilies in no less than 2 Masses this past week. And, there, of all places, we should be focused on thankfulness rather than anything else--heck, Eucharist is Greek for thanksgiving! I mean, when we go to Mass, Christ is making Himself physically present in the Accidents of Bread and Wine, and what greater miracle is that?!?! And, instead of focusing on the weightiness of partaking of Christ's Body and Blood, I'm thinking about a blog post.
I'm not QUITE ready to start praying for humility yet, though, even if I should be. It is one of those virtues that, when we pray for it, comes at a great cost. Patience is another one of those virtues--I spent most of my high school years praying for patience, in spite of the fact that scripture says, "Tribulation worketh patience" (sorry about the KJV--that was my Dad's go-to scripture translation, so many of the verses I memorized as a kid are from the King James Version). At some point, when those tribulations started piling up in my life, I figured that I didn't need to pray for patience anymore....so, while I could probably use quite a bit of humility (and patience, for that matter!), I'm not at a place where I'm willing to pray for it for myself: my fertile imagination conjures up some pretty scary scenarios for how God could teach me said humility, and frankly, they scare me!!!
It is one of those things that makes me envy all of my mom friends....there is something about being entrusted with another human being that is innately humbling, and it isn't something that I have in my life to wear off those rough edges. Instead, it is up to me to work on those rough edges through other relationships, and the process isn't always so straightforward. Honestly, this is why I think I have so many friends right now that can whup my butt at Words with Friends. It is a small way for the Lord to humble me! It is also up to me to consciously work toward humility, sometimes by humbling myself, and sometimes by being aware of those times when I am not acting with humility in order to change my behavior.
I don't know who said it, but I vaguely remember reading a quote by a saint recently that basically said true humility is knowing ourselves so completely that we have neither too lofty a view of ourselves, nor a too lowly view of ourselves--we are aware of who we are to the extent that we can see who we are and where we stand in relation to others. That is what I want, and I hope that the Lord does this for me, in spite of the fact that I'm not yet willing to pray for it.
One thing that I'm looking forward to after my Camino is spending a weekend with all of my beautiful sisters in October....they have graciously accepted the challenge of helping me update my look and my wardrobe. Considering that I haven't done this for about 6-8 years, I'm sorely in need of new clothes and a new look. This includes my hair--since I keep it pretty short, this means that I have to deal with my hair getting shaggy. I am currently wearing a headband to work daily, since it is still too short to do anything with, but too long to style like I normally do. I wouldn't mind so much, except that I hate having hair in my face, and my bangs are about at the place where I usually get fed up and chop them with my kitchen shears. I am resisting temptation, as I want to be able to really choose a new style when I see my sisters at the end of October. It is getting dang hard, though. At the same time I think I'm probably getting too old to continue sporting the "Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell" pixie cut, which I have worn since about the time I graduated from college in 1997.
I hate having hair in my face, so this is my usual "working late while in my PJ's" look. Funny, it is the same fashion statement that my under 5 nieces seem to sport....I really need a haircut, but am waiting as long as I can stand it in order to maybe update my hair style. At least I will be wearing a hat on my Camino!
Which brings me to the hairy part--I recently changed which blanket I use because of my animals. All of them have light-colored hair, and they shed terribly. Seriously, I think that I sweep/vacuum up their weight in hair every week. You would think that they would eventually go bald, but no, they are still as hairy as they ever were...In the mean time, I have gone to a cream-colored comforter, since the hair doesn't show, and I have taken a vow to never buy microfiber fuzzy blankets ever again.
Ginger and the fuzzy blanket--as long as I own pets, I will never own another fuzzy blanket again! I don't care how warm they are--they are hair magnets!
I am a procrastinator of epic proportions, and I am taking a few moments
to write this so that I can get back to work on my proposal for
teaching a class next spring. I am really looking forward to getting
back into the classroom, but I have to get my proposal in by the end of
the week, and I'd like for a colleague to look it over before I turn it
in. That means that I need to finish my proposal as well as my syllabus
before I go to bed tonight. I can't say that I'm looking forward to
staying up late tonight, but it will also mean that I will probably be
able to teach in the Spring, and that is something that is worth a
little less sleep.
I really need to be better at not
procrastinating, but I have yet to figure out a way to refrain from
doing so, especially when I have access to the playground that is the
internet at my fingertips day in and day out. I've tried Chrome Nanny,
and it works to a point--did you know that you can just open another
browser, like Firefox, and get around it? It is the same with using the
Pomodoro technique.
I'm really good about following it for one pomodoro, and then the
ticking tends to get relegated to background noise, and I'm back where I
started....I will figure it out some day, and hopefully going on my
Camino will help me to reset my priorities. *sigh* It is the one sin that I have to confess every time I go to Reconciliation. I know that it is better than coming up with new and ever more interesting sins each time, but it would also be nice to no longer have to confess this particular sin!
This is what the blanket looked like before I washed it--but the washing didn't get all of the hair out. I think that this will be the "Hairy Blanket" from now on. Sometimes I want to look at my critters and tell them, "this is why we can't have nice things!!!"
Lastly, I have not really trained for the last 4 weeks, running wise. This means that I'm still barely able to run 3 miles, when I should be running 10-12 miles on my long runs. If I don't get back in the habit of running soon, there is no way that I will be able to finish my Marathon in the middle of October. I talked to one of the experts in the running club, and he says that, as long as I can run about 20 miles in one stretch after I get back, I should be ok, since I will be hiking with a pack for 3 weeks straight. I've just kind of run out of steam these last few weeks, and it is really hard to get back in the groove. I don't want to need my runs like I did when I first got my divorce, but I need some other sort of motivation to keep it up. I need to work on that....
This is day 4 of the 7 day Challenge that Jennifer Fulweiler set up...Check out this link to see who else picked up the gauntlet!
This week has been a difficult week for sticking to my commitment to take the bus to work...On Monday, I overslept until 7 AM, so I had to take my car in order to get to work on time (setting your alarm for 5 PM instead of 5 AM is not conducive for waking up on time...). I also took my car today because I am going to running club as soon as I am done with work, and it is easier to get home when I take my car. For the most part, I agree with friends that keeping my car is a good idea so that I don't have to depend on others for going to the grocery store, etc. on weekends. I really like the idea of saving the money that I can by not owning/using my car...2 days in a row is definitely not what I had planned, and I will likely use my car at least one more time this week, since it is the only way that I can make it to the free Lee Brice concert at the local Army base on Friday.
One good thing about using my car is that I can make it to daily Mass like I did today, and I really like being able to do that. I have given back my parking sticker, though, so I can't park on campus anymore....it helps me to keep my resolve to take the bus and use my car less. Right now, it isn't that difficult to find a place to park on the street, but once the regular semester starts, I suspect that it will get much more difficult. More than likely, if the car doesn't sell, then I will continue to take my car on Tuesdays, and maybe one other day a week. That gives me the ability to go to daily Mass or to Confession before work on those days, and I still save gas by taking the bus all of the other days of the week. It will also mean that I can start using the campus pool again, too. It will mean that I will be helping the environment, but I won't be helping my pocketbook. I use between 3 and 4 tanks of gas a month when I drive every day, and I usually budget about $120/month for gas. I know that I can probably keep my gas consumption down to 2 tanks of gas a month. Of course, that is only if I take my car to work 2x/week or less, and then take the bus the rest of the time. A bus pass is about the equivalent of one tank of gas at $30, so there really is no savings unless I can use my car even less. (A tank of gas is usually about $35-40, since it is an 11 gallon tank) Well, I guess you could say that I'm still ahead, since I'm not paying for a parking sticker, which is $20/month...however, if it gets too hard to find parking, I will likely have to add that expense back.
The back of my car before I removed the 13.1 sticker when I was thinking about selling it. There is one person that is looking at the car, and if they decide they want it, I will sell it (I kind of promised that I would). Otherwise, I will be keeping the car.
At the same time, I keep asking myself this question, especially since I am probably keeping my car at this point: If I can get up at 5 AM in order to ride the bus every morning, how is that better than making the commitment and getting up at 6 AM in order to go to daily Mass, especially since there is no real monetary savings? I can make all the arguments about the extra exercise and how it is better for the environment, but the real motivator has always been cold hard cash for this decision. How is my bottom line (both literally and figuratively) more important than my spiritual well-being?
Somewhere over the last year, I quit getting up to go to daily Mass, and I'm not sure why....when my marriage was at its hardest, going to daily Mass sustained me in ways that nothing else did, not even running. As I was driving to daily Mass this morning, I started thinking about how Eucharist means "thanksgiving," and that it fits nicely with my current journal theme of gift, for it is Christ giving Himself to us, but also us giving ourselves to Him in the Mass. I want to get back into the practice of going to daily Mass, and I can only do that if I keep my car....where riding the bus, staying fit, and managing my time fits into all of this, I don't know, but I do know that it is time to quit being spiritually lazy.
So, I need to begin planning my life around going to daily Mass, monthly Adoration, and running again. I did that really well as my marriage was falling apart around me, but haven't kept that up in the time since my ex moved out. I think that I got complacent because I didn't NEED these things just to function anymore. In the process, months and years of discipline have given way to a little bit of sloth on my part....it shows in my huffing and puffing as I run, as well as in the spiritual flabbiness that I have been noticing. I don't know what I will eventually decide about transportation to work, but I do know that I want to make my relationship with God my first priority. If I do that, everything else will fall into place the way that it is supposed to.
I am blogging every day this week....go see Jen Fulweiler's blog for a list of others that are doing the same!
Sunday's Mass readings revolve around the idea of Freedom and what it is, starting with the calling of Elisha by Elijah in I Kings 19:16, 19-21. What hits me most about this reading is that, even though Elisha would like to tell his parents good-bye, he is willing to kill his yoke of oxen, cook it by torching his plowing equipment, and then uses the meat to feed the other workers there. From my perspective, Elisha uses a scorched earth policy....It is almost like he knows that, if he leaves the yoke and oxen still there, he will go back to his old life, not continue to follow God's plan for his life. All of us have those areas, I think...relationships, habits, time wasters, etc. that the only way we can root them out of our lives is to scorch the earth with God's cleansing fire.
As some of you know, I am in the process of transitioning to a carless existence, partly because I can, and partly because I need to pay off some debts in order to go back to school, and this is the best way to do so that I can think of. It has meant changing some of my routines, and learning to get up earlier than I am used to, but it is nice to let someone else fight traffic while I use the time to read, pray, and even update this blog! I have to say that I am looking forward to being carless, partly because getting rid of THINGS is freeing on its own....ever since I heard about the 100 item challenge a few years ago, I've always wondered if I could be content with under 100 personal items, including clothes. Really, I tend to wear the same outfits over and over, anyway, so why keep the clothes I might wear only once a year or less? Honestly, I doubt I could get to that small a number of items, but I could probably get down to like 200, if I were to work at it....do I really need like 30 pair of socks and 20 t-shirts (this is an exaggeration--I have no idea how many of either I have, but I do know that it is more than I really need)? In some ways, I am already working on this because I have started only buying digital books rather than hard copies, and have begun doing the same for music. I prefer to rent DVDs or stream movies/shows rather than own them, and I haven't touched the DVDs I own since my ex moved out. I'm not ready to get rid of the DVDs I own yet, but I see it happening in the future, especially if I ever take the time to make sure that all of them are available via Netflix. Not quite a true scorched earth policy, but I suspect that there is a bit of an ascetic living in me underneath all this stuff.
Of course, Elisha's sacrificing of his yoke of oxen and his plow was more than just getting rid of stuff. That is only part of the puzzle--I can't just move away from, but I also need to move TO something. Elisha's actionswere a declaration of allegiance to God and His plan. This is why all religious orders require you to make a vow of poverty...it is a way to consciously choose to put Christ above all else. And, I think this is where the second reading from Gal. 5:1, 13-18 and the gospel message in Luke 9:51-62 come in. One of the things St. Paul says is that we shouldn't let ourselves get put back into slavery because, when Christ sets us free, we are truly and completely free--and that freedom comes from following Christ and loving our neighbor. Today, a friend posted this blog post on her Facebook wall, and I feel like it ties into this--it is more than just avoiding issues where we might be tempted, as this blogger mentions, but we have to rely on God to help us change our attitudes.
What I found most interesting about the gospel reading was that one of the disciples says something similar to what Elisha says to Elijah, "let me go say goodbye to my parents, first". And Jesus tells the man that he shouldn't look back, just like a man guiding a plow shouldn't look back if he wants to create a straight furrow. I've never completely understood this passage--It is one of those times when I wish we could see what Jesus' facial expression was, just as I wish I could have seen the face of the man. You almost get the impression that this particular disciple was looking for an excuse to leave and never come back, so Jesus calls him on it.
I don't think I have it in me to torch all of my stuff in order to follow Christ, like Elisha did, but I can consciously live with less, and in the process, ask the Lord to help me draw closer to Him. I believe that living without a car is a good first step.
I had an interesting conversation with my brother, his wife, and my niece last night. In the process, we started to talk about a specific sin, and how I should conceivably and willingly put myself into a near occasion for sin (for those that don't know, a "near occasion for sin" is when you put yourself into a situation where you know you will be tempted to sin or where you know will tempt others to sin by your actions. For instance, taking a recovering alcoholic bar-hopping would be a near occasion for sin.). When I protested and said that doing so wasn't safe, my brother told me, "Ruth, _______ is not the unpardonable sin." Then my niece pipes up and says, "You can just go to confession afterwards!" While we all laughed at the time and the conversation moved on, I found myself thinking about this conversation and some of the assumptions that underlie this attitude as I was falling asleep last night.
First, I have to say that, on its face, both what my brother and my niece said are correct--God is merciful, and He has given us the means to be forgiven. That is the reason that Jesus died on the cross, as well as why Jesus instituted Confession/Reconciliation at the end of the Gospel of John. I am testimony to that fact--He has forgiven me for my suicide attempt 12 years ago, among MANY other things, and for that I will ever be grateful. So, it wasn't really WHAT was said, so much as HOW it was said. Whether you are Catholic or Protestant, all of us agree that God is merciful and that He forgives. This is the greatest reason that I love the Divine Mercy Chaplet--it reminds me of what Christ did for me, as well as the fact that His mercy is fathomless. This chaplet and image was a revelation to St. Faustina, and her diaries are on my list of books to read....Read the explanation St. Faustina was given about this picture in the caption...
The two rays denote Blood and Water. The pale ray stands for the Water which makes souls righteous. The red ray stands for the Blood which is the life of souls. These two rays issued forth from the depths of My tender mercy when My agonized Heart was opened by a lance on the Cross. Happy is the one who will dwell in their shelter, for the just hand of God shall not lay hold of him
I want to dwell in the shelter of Christ's love and mercy, but I don't think that putting myself into a near occasion of sin is the way to do so. When you take this idea, it feels too much like the argument St. Paul is refuting in Romans 6: 1-18 (I'm only going to quote vs. 15-18 here).
What then? Shall we sin because we are not under the law but under grace? Of course not! Do you not know that if you present yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God that, although you were once slaves of sin, you have become obedient from the heart to the pattern of teaching to which you were entrusted. Freed from sin, you have become slaves of righteousness.
For me, willingly walking into a situation of a near occasion of sin is like willingly presenting myself to become a slave to that sin, and I only want to be a slave of Christ. The verse that has been on a continuous loop in my brain, though, is something Jesus himself said (John 14:15-21):
“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always, the Spirit of truth, which the world cannot accept, because it neither sees nor knows it. But you know it, because it remains with you, and will be in you. I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. In a little while the world will no longer see me, but you will see me, because I live and you will live.On that day you will realize that I am in my Father and you are in me and I in you. Whoever has my commandments and observes them is the one who loves me. And whoever loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and reveal myself to him.”
So, the way that I show my love for God is to follow Him and keep His commandments--I can't do that if I'm purposely setting myself up to sin. Even if I am able to resist the temptation (and that is doubtful--the fact that I'm willing to put myself into the situation in the first place says that I'm already half-way to consenting), I am giving myself permission to disobey because "Jesus will forgive me." In Catholic-ese, this is probably the graver sin--I'm guilty of presumption. I am saying that I don't need to repent in order to be forgiven by God, and no matter what faith tradition you come from, repentance means we must accept God's gift of salvation. When I presume upon Christ's Mercy, I am basically saying that He is going to force His love on me and make me become someone that I clearly do not want to become. According to CS Lewis,
In creating beings with free will, omnipotence from the outset submits to the possibility of such defeat. What you call defeat, I call miracle: for to make things which are not Itself, and thus to become, in a sense, capable of being resisted by its own handiwork, is the most astonishing and unimaginable of all the feats we attribute to the Deity. I willingly believe that the damned are, in one sense, successful, rebels to the end; that the doors of hell are locked on the inside. I do not mean that the ghosts may not wish to come out of hell, in the vague fashion wherein an envious man "wishes" to be happy: but they certainly do not will even the first preliminary stages of that self-abandonment through which alone the soul can reach any good. --The Problem of Pain
If I have learned anything from my divorce, I have learned that none of us has the power to change or fix another human being. I believe my ex married me a little less than a year after my suicide attempt because he knew that I was vulnerable and it gave him a chance that he wouldn't otherwise have had to date me. I also believe that he wanted to rescue me, but really, only I could rescue myself by resting in the Mercy of God. As the Lord healed me, I stayed because I felt that I needed to live with the consequences of my mistake. More than that, I hoped that my ex would grow and change as time went on, but no amount of wishing, hoping, praying, nagging, or ultimatums changed my ex's actions or attitudes--he has to make that decision to change for himself.
And, that is why I won't be following my brother's advice from last night's conversation. I like the changes that God has wrought in me, and I want Him to continue to make me more like Him--I don't see that happening if I create situations where I am purposely presenting myself to be a slave of sin. Instead, I will present myself to Christ. When He sets you free, you will be free indeed!
After almost 11 years of a failed marriage, no children, and only one real pregnancy scare in all of that time, it is probable that I will not have biological children, which makes Mother's Day a difficult day for me. Every other day of the year, I'm at peace with the fact that I will probably never birth a baby of my own, but it is difficult on that one day....it is a day of mourning for me, and the emptiness of my arms take on a weight that I only feel in the celebration of mothers everywhere. In fact, for the last 3-4 years, I have sought to avoid as much of the hubbub as possible by going to Mass during the Saturday vigil, and before my divorce, skipping my ex's church altogether. Before I was Catholic, I would feign sickness to keep from the church service that day.
It was probably my third year of marriage when I realized that natural born children probably weren't in my future (we were never checked, so I can't be 100% certain. still...). I have always felt strongly that, if you are pro-life, you should also be pro-adoption: infertility wasn't ever as big of a deal as it could have been, because I always knew that, if natural born children didn't come, I would eventually adopt. It was probably about the time that we had to give up fostering children because of financial difficulties that things went from resigned to my fate to really difficult again. At this point, I realized that I couldn't both be the primary/only bread-winner and a stay-at-home mom, and that I crave traditional gender roles in marriage. I also realized that the odds of my ex and I ever being financially stable enough to afford adoption were nil, and all of a sudden, being infertile became a VERY BIG DEAL.
Now that I am divorced, I am surprised that physical motherhood is still something that I hope for. I shouldn't be, since a divorce doesn't change what the desires of my heart are (See Ps. 37--Only God can do that as I delight myself in Him.). It just changes the possible avenues for fulfilling those desires while it closes others completely (maybe talking about that will be another post for another day--some avenues are open but unacceptable as well...Practicing Catholic Christian and all that ;-D ).
Anyone who has ever lived in an area that is mostly Hispanic has heard adults call their children "Mamasita" or "Papasito" (Spanish for little mother or little father). I always found it kind of weird to call a two year old a little mother, but chalked it up to a cultural difference. One day, when I was really struggling with the lack of pattering feet in my life, a friend of mine explained it to me. She said that, as a culture, they believe that every girl is "born with the heart of our Blessed Mother." The idea is that, because we love Jesus, we have Mary's heart within us (It can be argued that she loved Him more than anyone else in this world.). That makes sense to me. I think it also might point to the potential for parenthood that is present in calling a little girl a mamasita or a little boy a papasito--it is a very rare little girl indeed that doesn't dream of holding a little baby of her own.
The reality is that all of us are called to participate in God's creativity in the context of our relationships through "the true gift of self". We are all called to be mothers and fathers, either physically through birth or adoption, or spiritually. Blessed John Paul II said as much in his encyclical, Mulieris Dignitatem, as he sits there and talks about the dignity and vocation of women....his argument is that, by the nature of who we are as men and women, we are called to parenthood, and we then live that out through our vocation--if we are single, we become parents spiritually, and if we are married...well, you get the picture. Here is a quote from the above...
The moral and spiritual strength of a woman is joined to her awareness that
God entrusts the human being to her in a special way. Of course, God
entrusts every human being to each and every other human being. But this
entrusting concerns women in a special way - precisely by reason of their
femininity - and this in a particular way determines their vocation.
So, I have been praying a lot about how to nurture the people around me and help them become more like Jesus. Maybe the avenue for physical motherhood will open for me, or maybe not--it is something that I have to entrust to the infinite wisdom of Jesus. Even so, I can let God work through me to be a spiritual mother right now. As I become more available to be a conduit of grace for the people around me, I will be able to discover who God made me to be...Maybe someday a Mama, but always a Mamasita!
This is my favorite picture of Mary and Jesus: the painter is Bougereaux. Notice that she is focused on Jesus, just as it is in scripture--everything that she is is because of Him (Luke 1:46-50). Also notice how she is holding Jesus in such a way that his position mimics what it will be on the Cross. His focus is on us while his hands are stretched out in blessing toward us. Someday, I want a nice framed print of this.
Yes, I know that it is about drinking, and I don't particularly like that part of it, but it reminds me of my college years, since it came out the year that I graduated with my BA....Considering that I really didn't emotionally become a rebellious teenager until after I graduated with my BA, it is part of what I would consider my youth.
It also has a very good message to it--kind of like one of my favorite songs from the Fred and Ginger movies...(it isn't my favorite dance scene with them, though...if you want to see that, click here).
While I have been here in San Antonio this past week, I needed to go to Confession, and these 2 songs are really part of the reason why I think that Confession probably ties for my favorite Sacrament with the Blessed Sacrament. I always dread going, but I'm always so incredibly blessed in having gone. What always strikes me is that, even though I almost always have a different Confessor when I go, the Lord seems to always speak to me through the priest, and will often get to the heart of what I am struggling with.
When I was still in the process of converting from Protestantism, my sister Sarah asked me about confession, and her big question was "Why do you have to confess to a priest?" I could have whipped out my Bible and showed her in John 20:21-23 where Jesus Delegated/gave the power to forgive sins to his Disciples, and then explain how that Authority has been passed on from them to priests. I could have explained that, when a priest says, "I absolve you," He is acting "In Persona Christi" --he is a flesh and blood stand-in for Christ in that moment--While I am sitting across from the priest, I am not only telling them to him, but to Christ who is the one who forgives my sins. I could have talked about how there is something incredibly powerful to physically hear that my sins are forgiven--I don't know about anyone else, but as a protestant, I tended to ask the Lord to forgive me over and over for each incidence of my sins. When I confess to a priest, the physical act of doing so helps me, more than anything else, to truly leave my brokenness and sinfulness at the foot of the Cross.
I could have talked about how humbling myself to admit my sins to another person acts both as a change agent and as a deterrent in the future--and the nice thing about doing so with a priest is that I don't have to worry about it going viral (I've actually read blogs and heard talks by priests about confession, and one thing all of them seem to say is that God gives them the gift of forgetfulness--they don't remember what we say in the confessional). Instead, I talked about the fact that part of the confession process is to get a little bit of advice from the priest about how to get out of the habit of sinning. For me, that is probably the best part of Confession--I'm getting help to break the habits and behaviors that strangle or cut off the Grace God wants to give me daily. I actually correlated it with going to a psychologist, and I have to say that I found her response rather humorous--she changed the subject because I was "making too much sense" for her comfort!
I also think that I am naturally gravitating toward songs like this because of my divorce...I feel like my life is kind of starting over--and I've been going a little crazy with trying to catch up on things that I have always wanted to do but never have...this past week, I danced on the bar at Coyote Ugly, for instance (and no liquid courage was involved: I got up there of my own volition, and had a blast jamming out to the music)--the evening didn't end as nicely as I would have liked, but the beginning of the night was just a lot of good clean fun. I also sang karaoke for the first time in my life (and I want to do it again!!!)! I'm beginning to learn that it is okay to be a little crazy at times, and to let my crazy side out, within reason. I'm learning to figure out my own boundaries again as I get re-acquainted with myself.
It is funny, because I thought that my suicide attempt 12 years ago taught me about all of my limits and who I was--where my rock bottom was, and exactly how much pain/hurt/anguish I could handle. Now, I'm beginning to learn about the boundaries on the other side of my life--things like what is and isn't fun for me; whether getting buzzed should be a part of that equation (it isn't--life is more fun when you aren't buzzed, IMHO), and how much I'm willing to drink socially (the usual limit is 1 drink, although I will extend that to 3 over the course of a night if we are out for a long time or it is a special occasion). I'm discovering that I am more than the internal commentary in my ex's voice about how I have no sense of humor, that I'm no fun, and that I have no singing voice. I am enjoying going out with friends and colleagues, especially when we go dancing or singing karaoke, but I also know that things will eventually calm down some--I'm not really a true party girl....Too often, I still feel like the awkward teenager who doesn't know how to react in social situations!
Even so, I want to get out and do things more than I have in the past. One thing that I've really been working on doing is increasing my circle of friends and reconnecting with old friends. I will probably never have a huge amount of really close friends, but it would be nice to have people I can call and plan stuff with, rather than spend most of my time sitting at home and reading. Honestly, I don't want to spend every night out doing stuff, but it is nice to have one to two nights a week where I am doing something social. That is why I love my running club so much, and why, even before I got divorced, I wasn't willing to miss my monthly book club unless I had a very good reason. At running club, I still feel very much like the awkward 13-year-old me trying to hang out with the cool kids, but I'm finally beginning to make real connections, so that feeling is slowly dissipating. Who knows? Maybe I will BE one of the cool kids by the time that I quit feeling like 13-year-old me!
So, I will leave you with two songs that have become my personal anthems lately, and are along the lines of the original song that started this post...
This is a song I fell in love with while playing Singstar at a friend's house. It also has the benefit of being a GREAT song to run to!
And this is just a great song about starting over, and about having hope that there is life after the pain. It is this song that makes me love Taylor Swift.
So, it looks like I will be going on my Camino earlier than I thought I would....In fact, I will be leaving on August 29th in the afternoon, arriving in the afternoon on August 30th, and then returning on September 23rd. So, I will be in the below picture in 108 days!
I'm not sure where on the Camino this picture was taken, but I loved the way the clouds look--A lot like rainy season here at home!
I won't be going the whole 500 miles from St. Jean Pied-de-Port (SJPDP), either, but I will be starting my Camino in Burgos, which is just a little less than 300 miles from Santiago de Compostela. Including rest days, I will be on the Camino for about 21 days, and I'm starting to get really excited, especially since I'm not going to have to deal with the awful weather that I was expecting in December. Besides, going a shorter distance means that I have an excuse to come back at a later date!
It also means that I won't need near the amount of gear that I thought I would. In fact, I have pretty much gotten all of my gear at this point. I am still debating about whether I need to buy a poncho, since northern Spain stays pretty wet year round. In fact, there is a member on the Camino forum whose signature says,
There are Liars, Damn Liars, and there is My Fair Lady--The rain in Spain falls mainly in Galicia!
So, I'm thinking that getting a poncho is still a good idea, but will likely pick that up once I'm in Spain unless I can find a really good deal online. Rather than take an extra device, I'm getting a Skype account that I can use on my tablet in order to stay in contact with people back at home. This lowers my costs, and it will allow me to be able to talk to family/friends for free. Please e-mail me with your Skype account if you want me to contact you while on the Camino. I will be buying my ticket first thing in June, so that is the next major purchase, and I got my passport photos taken last night. I will be sending in my application at the end of the week.
It is still too early to get my pilgrim's credential, but have it on my calendar so that I remember to order it from the American Camino de Santiago Pilgirms office at the end of this month...I can't request one until I am under 3 months from going.
This is a picture of a filled pilgrim's credential. It will be my proof that I have walked as far as I say I've walked...They will look at this when I get to Santiago and won't give me my Compostela unless I have the right amount of stamps--specifically from Sarria onward.
Once I knew that I would be leaving sooner than I originally planned, I bought a book that tells of some of this history of the Camino, as well as important points of interest along the way, but I already know about a couple of places that I plan to visit for sure. The first is the Cruz de Ferro. It is a big cross that is along the trail that was erected in order to mark the Rabanal pass, which is also the highest point on the Camino. It is close to the 2/3 mark from SJPDP, and it has become a place where you let go of your worries, sins, etc. on the trail, usually represented by a memento or pebble that you have carried with you from home. I still haven't found the rock that I'm going to take, but will pick one up in the next few months on one of my hikes. Anyone who wants to give me a pebble with your name or other message on it, I will pray for you along the way and leave your worries at the foot of the Cross as well (both figuratively and physically!). Please just keep it small, as I have to carry that weight with me for most of my trip!
This is a picture of Cruz de Ferro.
The other place that I know that I'm going to stop at is O Cebriero. This is the spot of a Eucharistic Miracle, so it is a priority for me to go there. It is because of the doctrine of the Eucharist and John 6 that I am Catholic, so Eucharistic miracles hold a very special place in my heart. Visiting Lanciano, Italy is on my bucket list of pilgrimage sites, so being able to go to the site of another Eucharistic miracle is very important to me. It was one of my greatest concerns about going in the winter, as O Cebriero is near the top of a mountain pass and is often snowed in in winter. I'm really glad that this is no longer an issue, and that I can safely expect to be able to visit there.
This will probably screw up the training for my Marathon in October, but in the end, it is totally worth it. I can always try again at the next El Paso Marathon if I end up not being able to finish the one in Albuquerque. Besides, even if I'm not running, I will be walking between 20 and 32 km per day with about 15 lbs on my back, which translates to between 12 and 20 miles a day. If that doesn't help my endurance, I don't know what will!!!
I don't know why anyone would want to abandon their boots while still walking the Camino, even if they ARE incredibly uncomfortable...it makes for an interesting picture, though! This is one of the many trail markers on the Camino.
P.S.--In case you are wondering, Ultreia is one of the traditional greetings given to pilgrims while on the trail...from what I understand, it means something like "further," and is an encouragement to keep going. Really, that is what a pilgrimage is about--moving further in your journey to your destination, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
My niece had her first communion today, and it was really sweet to see all of the little girls in little white dresses and veils, as well as all of the little boys in suits. As I watched all of them go up, I was struck by how similar wedding dresses are to the first communion dresses that the little girls were wearing. While I should have been paying attention to the scripture readings, I was thinking about some of the reading I did about the Catholic Church before I converted, and how many theologians say that taking communion is the consummation of our relationship with Jesus, much like sex is the consummation of a relationship between a man and a woman in marriage. Part of this is because they both serve similar purposes--both have both unitive and creative aspects to them. With sex, it should bring a married couple closer together (be unitive physically, emotionally, and spiritually), and there is always the possibility that a baby will come out of it nine months later (the creative aspect). With the Eucharist, the unitive aspect is that we are taking in our Savior, Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity--so there is literal uniting of ourselves to Him--and the creative aspect is that, when we take communion with the right disposition, it will birth new life in us. I don't think I would have noticed the imagery of the white dresses and veils as a protestant, so I have to say that it was really cool to see and understand it today. I also think that this is part of the reason that it used to be that a person's first Communion was usually around the age of 15 or 16--the analogy is much more powerful, and the wait creates a longing in us for our Beloved, much like the wait of an engagement does for our physical spouse.
My niece in her First Communion Dress. Isn't she beautiful?
So, with these ideas swirling around my head this morning, I have been thinking about my own failed marriage as well as my own relationship with Jesus. One of the contributing factors in my own marriage's demise was the fact that I was never in love with my ex. I cared about him, but not with the passion that one should have for a spouse. In truth, I don't think that I have ever been in love with anyone, in spite of the fact that I was engaged or almost engaged several times before I married my ex. While there was one guy that I was close to being in love with, I'm not sure that I can really say I was in love with him either. I think that the potential was there but never realized for some reason, probably due to our mutual immaturity at the time. At 37 years old, I find that sad and slightly tragic. I know that much of the reason that I married my ex was because I was vulnerable and still deeply hurting from a recent bout with depression--I didn't trust my own judgement, so when my ex told me that he knew I was the person God had for him, I trusted in that rather than try to discern God's will for myself.
I also have to wonder at my motivations for getting engaged or talking about engagement in the other relationships before my ex--was I just that desperate to be married? Was it because of pressure from family? Was I that silly and immature (that would be a resounding YES!!!)? I look at me way back then, and go, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????" I've spent time looking at the journal entries, and I know that some of it was just being in love with the idea of being in love. The fact that my parents expected me to leave college with an MRS degree, not the BA and MA that I ended up with also contributed.
So did our culture...even as I am rediscovering my love for Country music and other genres, I'm finding that some songs are just problematic. They glorify sex as love (remember "I think we're alone now"?), or they talk about love as it should be, and I find myself longing for a love like that rather than being content with the place where God has me.
This song is a case in point. I love this song for lots of reasons. The singer is great and the sentiment is one I think just about every female would love to say about their significant other. I would also argue that every woman in a good marriage has things their husbands do on a regular basis that "makes them cry" in a good way. At the same time, this kind of song is perfect fodder for envy, and maybe the creation of unrealistic expectations. When a guy hears stuff like this, does he think, "there's no way I can live up to this," or does he go, "I want to do that for my significant other"? If I were a guy, I might lean more toward the former than the latter.
This is another example. While it is a lot more realistic, it still makes me wonder if I will ever truly fall in love. And this thought is usually followed by wondering whether any guy I would be willing to date would be willing to date me. I can think of all of the reasons why they wouldn't be: I'm divorced, which at least points to the possibility that I'm not willing/able to commit to a forever relationship; It also points to some major baggage; I'm chaste, which is very rare in our society, especially for a divorcee; I am a faithful Christian, and expect them to be the same; I'm Catholic and I plan to raise any children I have as Catholics; I have a history of major depression; I have eclectic tastes in music; I have food allergies out the wazoo--even I have trouble keeping track of them; the litany goes on and on....
Then I find songs like this--the songs that say exactly what I feel about a particular situation. I've come to the conclusion that, like the name of this song, I'm hard to love: I'm one of those high maintenance females that guys don't like to date. I'm working on that, but my many allergies mean that I'm going to be higher maintenance than most women. I mean, at some point I'll have to have a conversation with him about not using fabric softener anymore, and just choosing a restaurant is fodder for nightmares...This is not the picture of low maintenance!!!
And yet, lately I have found myself praying that the Lord would allow me to be head over heels in love at least once in my life--with Him and maybe with another human being, even if the second comes to nothing. Is it wrong to want to experience the pinnacle of what it means to be human? It might be that I'm overdosing on Country Music, and I need to cut back on my consumption...I probably DO need to cut back on how much country music I'm listening to, but I doubt that this is the only reason for my prayers. Scripture says in I John 4 that God IS Love. When we are in love with another person, the best of who we are comes out--it is also through love that we come to know God. Think about it--when we are in love with another person, we study them, try to think of ways to please them, and our longing is for their company...and that is what we should be doing with God. Additionally, love for others is probably the best remedy for selfishness, and all of us struggle with that particular propensity!
I know that I'm really not ready to begin any kind of relationship--my ex has only been out of the house for 7 months, and the divorce has only been final for about 5, not to mention the fact that I won't truly be free for a relationship until I have heard about what the Tribunal says about my annulment application. I can't help but think about it, though.
And that, in and of itself can be dangerous, as it can set up expectations that no human being could ever meet. I quit reading romance novels in college because I realized that it created unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should be. Really, I should know better, as none of my relationships have followed what is considered to be a "typical" pattern--you know, where the guy gets up the courage to talk to the girl, and then pursues her relentlessly until he wins her heart and they ride off into the sunset together....typical romantic comedy drivel! However, when guys have pursued me like that, it has felt more like the story line from Mr. Wrong, than it has happily ever after!
There is a very real part of my heart that wants....something, I'm not sure what to call it, in my romantic relationships....I guess the best way to explain it is a cross between being cherished for who I am, to not be afraid of showing the whole world that he wants to spend time with me, for him to be willing and able to stand toe to toe with me if he disagrees (I have out-stubborned most of the guys I have dated), to not be afraid to hold me as I blubber and get his shirt all wet, to value my opinion and me as a person, to discuss intellectual issues with an open mind, to be desired by him physically, and for him to proactively seek to help me get to Heaven. In short, I guess I want him to be in love with me, too, and that has also been missing in my relationships to this point (or at least it has from my perspective--I could be wrong).
That is why I take solace in the following verse from Jeremiah 31: 3-6
The Lord appeared to us in the past,saying:
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. 4 I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful. 5 Again you will plant vineyards on the hills of Samaria; the farmers will plant them and enjoy their fruit. 6 There will be a day when watchmen cry out on the hills of Ephraim, ‘Come, let us go up to Zion, to the Lord our God.’”
No matter what happens with the humans around me, God already loves me like that, and even when I cry out with longing for human companionship, the Lord is there to comfort me, cherish me, and draw me closer to Him.
