Leaving Thursday....

As it gets closer and closer to my departure, I find myself scrambling to get everything done that I need to in order to be ready for my trip, and my To-Do list fluctuates daily...Some days I find myself adding 2 items for every one that I cross off, and then some days, I am able to make a sizable dent in the stuff to do.

Even so, there will likely be things that won't get done, and that is ok.  What is really important will be completed, and the less important things will fall by the wayside: this, too is part of the pilgrimage process.  You tend to find what is essential very quickly when you are carrying everything on your back for hours on end, just as you figure out what "ABSOLUTELY MUST BE DONE" while the "kinda sorta would be nice" fall off the list when time becomes short.  I wonder if this is how people with terminal illness feel--the important things sift their way to the top.

One of my AMBD items is to ask for prayer requests.  If anyone has something that they would like me to pray about for them while I'm walking, please send them to me...only one request per person, please.  I will keep them as my intentions for my pilgrimage.

My prayer request list so far--in the front flap of my journal.

I can't promise that I will pray for each intention every day, but I will be praying for at least a few every day.  

My rock from my front yard and my journal--the rock kind of looks like a human heart.

Last time, I took rocks from all of my friends as well, and then ended up not being able to stop at the Cruz de Ferro to lay them down.  This time, all I'm taking is my own, since it will be more than enough weight for my poor feet and back, but I'm still carrying all of you with me through your prayer requests and through my thoughts of you as I go.

Please keep me in your prayers as well--first that I can get everything done that I need to before I leave; Second that I can stay fit and healthy throughout my trip; and thirdly, that the classes that I'm supposed to teach this summer will "make"--they get cancelled if there are less than 20 students in a class, and only one class is currently anywhere near that number.

I'm looking forward to walking this journey with all of you.  I hope you are looking forward to it, too.

What AM I looking for? or, "Ditch the plan, Ruth!"

This was one of my favorite songs from growing up:

At least part of the reason why I like the song is that it captures the essence of Wanderlust for me...That elusive feeling that you don't know what it is, but you are missing something.

As I'm about 10 days away from my second Camino, I'm a little perplexed as to why I'm going.  I really don't have any burning questions to ask God, and I don't really have any kind of spiritual or psychological healing that I feel I need.  I'm in my dream job, I'm part of an awesome parish, I get to go to Adoration 2x/ week, and I (and the bank) own my home.  I don't have that feeling of missing something, and honestly, that is something that I tend to feel at the two year mark of any position I've ever been in before.

I can honestly say that I'm content--or maybe blessed and grateful are better terms for what I'm feeling.  Which brings me back to the question, "Why am I going? What am I looking for?"

I know that I've been called to do this Camino, and I AM looking forward to it, even though I know that it won't be anything like the first one. For one, I will be working as I go--I will be teaching all summer long online.  This means that I will be more plugged in to what is going on in the world as well, since I have to stay on top of emails, etc.  I'm also going to be tuned into every little thing my body tells me, and I know that, if my body tells me to, I will be skipping to the end.  I don't anticipate that happening, but it is a possibility.  I also know that, if things go really south, the pilgrim's office in Santiago are always looking for volunteers, so I could very well end up most or part of the summer volunteering until my plane trip home.

Even so, I really wonder what this Camino will be like, and how it will be the same/different from the last one.  Something that many pilgrims say is the phrase, "The Camino Provides."  As a Catholic Christian, I believe that it is God providing what we need through the intercession of St. James, but, based on my experience, those of us who are Christians and doing this as a spiritual exercise are in the minority.  No matter what, you often find yourself at the right place at the right time, and you get exactly what you need to be encouraged/helped/taught along the way.  Also, the lessons you learn may or may not be the ones that you start your trek hoping to learn.

Actually, I suspect that God really wants to teach me about His provision this trip: every time I start to think about where I might want to end my stages or figure out mileage or make sure that I have enough time to finish the full Camino, I feel like the Holy Spirit is whispering in my ear, "Ditch the plan, Ruth. Trust Me."  And, that is why I think that God hasn't laid some burning question on my heart or my mind.  My job is to be open to whatever lesson He wants to teach me.

With that in mind, I'm on the lookout for a short prayer that I can pray daily while on the Camino, and which reflects that openness.  If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears.

And, one good song from my childhood deserves another.  This is also my prayer:

28 Days!!!

I'm getting closer to the end of the semester, but more importantly, I'm getting closer to my Camino.  Things are coming in that I need for my trip...

The order of the Mass in English and Spanish

My Pilgrim's Passports (I need two, since I will be in Spain for so long).

I'm gathering my things for my trip, and I'm figuring out what I'm planning taking on my trip.  Things will be a bit different this time around as I will be teaching online for the duration, so there are also a few things that I'm going to need to take with me that I didn't the first time around. I'm using what I learned from the first time around and my backpack is weighing in at 13.6 lbs, including everything in the following picture:

The only thing missing is what I will be wearing, and some of my meds.

My packing list:

• one Osprey backpack with a rain cover
• one pair Oofos for wearing after my hike is done
• one fleece sleeping bag and net case
• one silk sleeping bag liner
• one sarong
• one neck pillow
• one massaging ball to help with keeping my feet in fine form
• half of a composition book (for taking notes while grading speeches--I will be throwing away paper as I use it, so that it will be less weight as I go along)
• one lightweight jacket
• one water resistant windbreaker
• one emergency poncho if it really starts raining
• 2 sets of clothing containing:
• one thin pair of socks
• one thick pair of socks
• one sports bra
• one pair hiking underwear
• one short-sleeved running shirt
• one pair of running capris
• one gallon size ziplock bag
• one old-fashioned ice bag (to help keep my feet iced--ice is readily available at the bars and cafes along the way)
• One collapsible water bottle
• 2 journals--One in my backpack, and one in my fanny pack for while I'm writing in it.  I will send it home once the first is full.
•  One quart size ziplock bag full of toiletries: 
• one full bar of soap
• one full size bar of solid deoderant
• one razor
• one toothbrush
• one travel size toothpaste
• one travel size shampoo
• one travel size conditioner
• leftover bug spray from my last camino
• one bottle sun screen
• one comb
• 2 hair ties (in case I lose one)
• one bandana
• One rosary
• One baseball cap
• All of my meds:
• qnasl
• cetirizine
• Allegra
• ranitidine
• singulair
• epi pen
• fingernail clippers
• pocket knife
• shell
• charger for my phone that is compatible with europe
• fitbit charger
• about 12 safety pins
• one extra gallon ziplock bag
• hiking poles

And my fanny pack:

• English-Spanish order of the mass
• one glue stick
• earbuds for my phone
• pencil sharpener
• colored pencils
• epi-pen
• six sharpie pens and a mechanical pencil
• (journal that I talked about earlier)
• Passport and pilgrim's credentials
• 1.40 in euros from my last trip to Spain
• chapstick
• prescriptions of meds
• Passport
• credit card and debit card.
• Sunglasses
• pnone (not shown--it will be my camera/tablet/laptop/ipod on my trip)

I will have on my person:

• my trail runners with orthopedic inserts inside
• one set of clothing (see above)
• my fitbit

It looks like a whole lot, but it feels like not a lot of stuff at all.  My guess is that my skin out weight is about 20 lbs, but I haven't put everything on to check. 

I will be flying out of Houston on June second, which doesn't give me a whole lot of time to be ready for this.  Hopefully, I can get it all done in the time that I have--June second will come whether I'm ready or not, though.  

A poem by a fellow pilgrim...

This poem was found on the Camino de Santiago Forums, posted by William Garza.  I believe he is the one who wrote it, but I really don't know.  As I am inching closer to my own return (37 DAYS !!!!), it speaks of the call to go, and the rhythm of the walk.

Tell me again
Oh Pilgrim fair

Why I Must
Travel the Way?

Why Must i be drawn from afar, to some land..known to my heart
Unknown to my feet
Known to my soul
Yet have never breathed the air

Why..old Pilgrim there
Why does my heart beat in time
In between dreaming..and awake
To the footsteps
To the winds...whispers in my ears
To my footsteps
One by one
Until ime done
To a footstep in the night
That reminds me 
Ime not yet gone?

Tell me Pilgrim
Tell me of far off places
Close to your heart...
Of places close
That have no feel of home.

The long empty stretches
Bereft of steps
Silent but for the whispers to your soul.

The Wind talks to no one there
They're there..all for their own sake?

I think not.

Why must..I
I! Go.

Ultrea
Buen Camino
Que..te Vaya Bien

I have known Freedom
Because I have known cages
I have known Happiness
Because of Sorrow
I have known Life
Because I have seen too much.

Pilgrim
Your days are counted
Get busy Living or stay busy trying.
Surrounded by Infinite sorrow...
You Pilgrim
You Know Joy,

You have stepped out of Chrysalis
And into the winds
You will never be the same.

I know you
I know you by your eyes.

They have seen the light

I Remember now
The Call..is why.

Pilgrim on the Way
Dont worry why your there
Be..There...
Spend your Time
Do you understand?
Every moment important
Live fully within your time

Be Blessed on Your Way

While the planning is easier this time around, this Camino feels like a very different prospect than the last one.  In many ways, my last Camino was a search and a prayer for healing and wholeness after my divorce, and this time, there is a joy, a wonder that is inherent in the journey.  

Even in spite of the physical hurdles that I'm working to overcome, this pilgrimage is all about joy and thanksgiving, not mourning and healing.  Maybe that is why I'm going to be travelling in the height of summer, when the path and the vegetation will be at its peak of beauty.  Last time, I walked in the Autumn, when the harvest had been or was in the process of being brought in, and the land was beginning to prepare for winter--still mostly green, but a sign here and there of the winter to come.  I was able to harvest what I needed from that trip, and I am very thankful, but this trip....this trip is full of possibilities and promise.  

I don't know what the fruit will be, but I know that it will be exactly what I need.  

Ultreia!

Stark Raving Terror

Thursday was a weird day for me...I had someone tell me that I should join Tumblr, and in the process, I discovered that there are a lot of people who have posted about the Camino there (I had to choose some stuff I was interested in for my news feed...). Then, I made the mistake of reading the posts of others about their pilgrimages... Which made me really wish that I could go back to the Camino this year like I said I would. So, as a break from grading, I ended up looking at how much it would cost to fly to Spain this summer.

Do you see where this is going? Yep. I booked a flight to Madrid, leaving June 2nd and returning on August 5th. It was really exciting at the time, but now I am confronted with the fact that I haven't really been exercising to speak of, and I just signed up to walk 500 MILES in the space of two months, and I only have 46 days to physically prepare myself. Either this is God nudging me in this direction, or I'm being very, very stupid.

I can handle the lists and the planning and the gathering of necessities for my pack. I can get mentally and spiritually ready. I can swing the cost and the expenses along the way. What I have no idea if I can handle is the physical aspect of this pilgrimage. What if I have to fly home early because of a recurrence of my tendinitis? What if I make my already bad back worse?

And then, this recurring thought also pops into my head: what if I wait and miss this opportunity because all of my problems are worse? Backs tend to degenerate over time, not get better. Something tells me that, if I'm going to be doing anything that requires physical prowess, now is the time, not later.

I just don't know if I made the right decision, and could use a little peace. Barring a clear sign that I am not supposed to do this, I could use lots of prayer for this time of preparation: that I can gain the fitness I need, and that I can finish the Camino without injury. Health is my word for this year, so it would be great if I could gain some health in these areas, too.

I could also use some peace in all of this. St. James, pray for me!

Shifting Priorities

On my way to my parish, I pass an old gas station: the pumps are covered with yellow arrows.  Those arrows remind me every time I go to Mass of my time on the Camino, where similar yellow arrows pointed me in the direction of Santiago.

See the yellow arrows on the pump?

And yet, as I get closer to the point when I need to seriously begin the process of planning and training in earnest for going on the Camino in 2016, I'm realizing that my priorities have shifted.  I still want to walk the Camino from beginning to end, and I hope that God allows me to do just that at some point.  However, even if my priorities had not pulled me in other directions, I don't think that my body would currently let me do so.  You see, I'm still having foot pain, and I'm still unable to even run 1 mile with no weight, let alone walk 9-12 miles in a day with 15 lbs. on my back.  My podiatrist doesn't currently think that I need surgery (Thank GOD!!!), but he hasn't ruled it out completely either.  The other option would be to bicycle the Camino, but that would mean losing out on much of the social aspect of the Camino, and I really don't want to do that.  It also means figuring out how to ship a bicycle to Spain, and that just seems really complicated.

So, as much as I want to do something epic to mark my passage into my Forties, walking the Camino, or any kind of hike next summer is out.  I'm not sure what my gift to myself will be, but I have a few ideas percolating.

Many of my own personal priorities have been in flux of late, anyway. To try to choose something that will fit those priorities a year from now wouldn't work at the moment, for I'm not sure what those priorities will be.

As the weeks go on, I will try to talk a little bit about what I've been thinking about, but here are a few questions that have been simmering in the back of my head as a teaser:

1. What does it mean to be a single lay person in the Church today?  What role do we play in the life of the Church?
2. What are the things in my life that are obstacles to saying yes to God? How can I work on removing them?
3. I've been given this huge blessing of my own house. How can I use that gift as a blessing to others?
4. One of the things I loved about my time with the Sisters in Chicago was the rhythm of prayer that their life revolved around. How can I both incorporate that into my own life, yet balance it with the rest of my obligations?
5. What does it mean to be "in the world, not of it"?  

I don't have the answers to the above, and I may never have those answers, but they are definitely worth pondering, and prayerfully exploring.  It will be interesting to see where these questions take me.

And so it begins...

Life has gotten in the way of posting very much here, but I've been wanting to pick up blogging again.  Since I've actually begun planning my next Camino, it seemed like a good time to re-start writing.

At this point, the plan is that I will be back on the Camino in July/August of 2016--at a little over a year until I go, it seemed appropriate to start the planning.  In some ways, I feel like the planning will go a little bit easier, since I have a really good idea of what I should and should not bring.  In some ways, I feel like the planning will actually be harder, since I need to keep my feet into account.  They are still bothering me, which means that it might take me longer to get to Santiago, that I might have to send my backpack forward, that I may have to take more rest days along the way, or some combination of the above.  It might also mean that I will need to bring KT tape with me for my feet.  The extra weight of having to do that is not something I relish, but if I'm sending my pack on each day, it won't be all that terrible.

I actually knew that it was about time to begin planning for my next Camino when I started thinking about being on the trail every time I passed this old gas station here in town....It has some spray-painted yellow arrows on the pumps, and it reminds me of the trail markers that are ubiquitous on the Camino.

Of course, that isn't the only new adventures that I'm in the process of.  I've made an offer on a house, and, assuming everything goes well, I will be closing on June 2.  I'm not looking forward to moving, but I am looking forward to having my own space and to be able to decorate any way I want to without worrying I'll lose my deposit over it!  We are doing the inspections today, and I will take pictures while I'm there.  I'm hoping to make it my Refuge, and already have a few things I want to do to make it better.  It will be a long process, though, so I'm not planning to do everything all at once.  It has to pass the inspections and the appraisal first, though!

With a June 2 closing date, it also means that we will have about 2 months to move and get the apartment cleaned/fixed up.  Because of our critters, we will need to replace some of the blinds and pick up the dog doo, not to mention clean deeply and maybe put down new contact paper in the cabinets.  I'm really starting to get excited, and it is fun to plan/get ready for the next step!

The Great Lenten Experiment

So, I've been thinking a lot about what to give up for Lent, and I haven't been able to figure any thing else out.  Most of my go-to stuff is either not an issue this year because I've already pretty much given them up (Starbucks for instance), or because I have to use it for work this time around (Social Media).  So, I've been racking my brain for what to give up for Lent.

Usually, I take something on and give something up--I read a book, add a prayer discipline, etc. in addition to giving something up. It is because of Lent several years ago that I still refrain from listening to music in my car on the way to work: I use that time for prayer instead.  I have also had some drastic failures...One year, I gave up all land animals for Lent.  I was able to make it through lent, but I hate fish.  I ended up eating a lot of tuna and meat-less meals.  I don't think I touched tuna again for close to a year!!!  Since then, I have set my sights on things that are less weighty: it has become a reset time for me.  I give up those things that I know are items that tend to eat up more and more of my time as time goes on--For many years, it was TV, and then it became Facebook/Social Media and Starbucks.  But, I have already cut Starbucks this year, and I am in charge of a contest at work that is using Social Media during the month of March.

Even though I'm feeling the creep of social media,  I can't cut it completely, so that isn't really a good Lenten discipline this year.  So, I think that I'm going to try something that I've always wanted to try...I'm going to make Lent a "Buy Nothing" Month.  Of course, I know that I will still need to buy food and gas, but basically, unless it is a necessity, I'm not going to buy it. My goal will be to stay under $200 for necessities each month for the (almost) two months of lent. Even then, I suspect that I'm not going to need much from the grocery store during Lent--My pantry is fully stocked, and I keep buying things that are already in the pantry because I don't know what is in the way back!

Really, the hardest part is going to be refraining from eating out, as I eat out more than I should--I often don't feel like cooking when I get home.  I think that I'm going to need to be better about cooking on the weekends so that I can eat the leftovers all week long.  I'm also going to need to be better about telling friends no when they mention going to eat after running.  At least I will have the excuse of, "Sorry. I gave it up for lent."

Ash Wednesday is March 5th this year

The real question is what to do with the money that I don't spend...One of the traditional disciplines of Lent is almsgiving, but it would also be nice to pay off more of my debt, so I can't really give it all away.  However, I will be upping my giving from the money that I'm saving.  This is going to be fun and very informative.

The three traditional disciplines of Lent in Preparation for Easter: Fast, give, and pray.

What are you giving up for Lent?  Are you taking anything on?  How do you prepare for Easter?

Goals vs. Resolutions

Several of my colleagues are avid soccer fans.  In fact, at least two of them are planning to go to the World Cup this coming year, and everything World Cup is a normal topic of conversation in the break room.  Since I began working here, I have learned more about soccer than I ever knew before, even from my host brother in Germany. Our student workers has gotten into the act as well, but they have taken it a step further and have created a tournament based on the FIFA video game, and dragooned some of my colleagues into it, in spite of the fact that they don't know how to play the game!

This is the game that everyone is playing at work.

Of course, since I still don't know very much about soccer, except that there is a huge inter-office rivalry between those who root for Mexico and those that root for the US soccer team, this post about a more serious type of goal (not that soccer fans don't take their goals very seriously...), specifically where I want to go from here.

When I started this blog almost a year ago, I stated my goals as follows:

I plan to chronicle my journey, both spiritually and physically here, so that my friends and family can join this journey with me.  While on pilgrimage, I plan to blog whenever I can find internet access, so there will be pictures and narrative as I walk.  In the meantime, I will talk about all of the planning I do, as well as any and all spiritual insights as the Lord gives them to me....

I am contemplating the possibility of entering religious life.... Since this is also part of my personal pilgrimage, I will talk about things as they develop.... Jesus said, "Ask and it will be given unto you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened unto you." (Matthew 7:7)  So, I plan for this year to be my year of asking, seeking and knocking.  Will you join me on the pilgrimage?

 So, really, my goal was to make it here:

The Cathedral in Santiago as the moon rose behind it.

and here:

Yep, this is an inside look at an actual human heart (image taken from Wikipedia), although my looking was more metaphorical!

I know that I made it to the first, and I started to get glimpses into the second, but the journey isn't done--I don't think any of us quit walking in pilgrimage until we stop breathing, even if the physical journey is over with. I'm just not sure what is next.  Of course, none of us know what the future holds, although many of us begin to think about the coming year and make "resolutions" about next year as it looms on the horizon.  I don't like resolutions because they are usually either: 1. too vague--"I'm going to get in shape this year!" 2. too drastic--"I'm going to quit my 3 pack a day smoking habit this year!" or 3. too frivolous--"I'm going to eat cheese puffs at every meal this year!" for us to stick to them.  

That is why I'm thinking in terms of goals rather than resolutions this year. I've been thinking a lot about questions like, "When I think about me 12 months from now, what do I want to see that is different?  What would I like to strengthen within myself?  What habits do I want to cultivate?  What habits do I want to get rid of? How do I plan to get from here to there?"  That last question is key--without an action plan, nothing will change--it is the key weakness of most resolutions! 

At the same time, I am one of those people who tend to fail at keeping resolutions because my goal is too lofty/drastic. One year, I decided that I wanted to run a marathon, so, Jan 1st saw my couch potato self running 4 miles with predictable results--I had wrenched my knee by the second week of January, and lost the will keep trying by the time my knee healed enough to begin running again.  Running a marathon is still on my bucket list, but I now know that you can't go from no miles to 4 miles immediately and expect to do so injury free. My motto for this coming year:

LOW AND SLOW!!!

I'd like to add some specific goals that follows the above motto, but I'm just really not sure what those will be yet.  I do know that I want to make exercise something that is a natural part of my day...something that I do without thinking about.  I also know that I'd like to get back in the habit of several spiritual disciplines that used to be part of my routine: Adoration, saying my Rosary, daily Mass, etc. They were my bedrock of survival in the last years of my marriage, so I know that getting out of the habit was at least partly because of relief.  And yet, it is also no excuse to neglect my relationship with God because I no longer have emotional trauma in my life on a daily basis. I'd also like to be better at keeping my house clean, and I want to break the habit of being late all the time.  I want to be out of debt, and hope to make a major dent in that over this coming year as well. I want to write here at least once a week. I want to become fluent in Spanish.  I want to finish my novel. I want to finally run that marathon. 

If I were to take on all of these from the beginning of the new year, I know that I would give up long before Ash Wednesday, so I will likely choose one habit and work on that for January.  Then, I will add one more in February or March, and so on. If I chip away at it, then I can get all of these goals done for this coming year, but it also means a lot of discipline--something that I seem to be in short supply of right now.  I know that this is my own fault, because I have been listening to the negative voices in my head. Without the above spiritual disciplines to underpin my resistance to the dialog in my head, I tend to succumb to the despair and depression that those voices engender.  One of my Camino friends, Jillian, calls those voices the fear monster, and actually named hers George!  Check out the above link to see her comic strip about her interactions with her fear monster.  She makes some valid points about what those voices do to us, as well as how it affects our relationships with one another.  

Really,  if I were to be honest with myself, that needs to be my main goal this coming year--conquer the pessimistic voice in my head that tells me that I'm not good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough to be, do, accept, etc. I don't want it to be a fake kind of affirmation, like the Stuart Smalley Skits on Saturday Night, Live, though.

 

What I'd really like is to continue to build upon the healing that has happened in my heart so that I have a firm foundation for whatever God has for me in the future.  That way, when I sit here and look back on next year, I can be like all of the soccer fans I'm surrounded by at work: "GOOOOAAAAALLLL!!!"

Santiago de Matomoros and Santiago de Peregrino

As I have been reading about the Camino in preparation of going there myself, I found out that there seems to be two basic depictions of Saint James in Spain, and along the Camino particularly.  The first is Santiago de peregrinos, or St. James the pilgrim.  He usually has a floppy hat whose brim is being held up from his face with a scallop shell pin.  He also has a walking stick and a satchel, with a gourd hanging from the walking stick.

This is a statue of St. James found along the Camino.

According to Wikipedia (I know, not the most reliable of sources, but the easiest place to find what I was looking for),  there are several legends that describe why the scallop shell became a symbol of St. James, as well as some practical reasons for pilgrims carrying them:

Version 1: After James' death, his disciples shipped his body to the Iberian Peninsula to be buried in what is now Santiago. Off the coast of Spain, a heavy storm hit the ship, and the body was lost to the ocean. After some time, however, it washed ashore undamaged, covered in scallops.

Version 2: After James' death his body was mysteriously transported by a crew-less ship back to the Iberian Peninsula to be buried in what is now Santiago. As the ship approached land, a wedding was taking place on shore. The young groom was on horseback, and on seeing the ship approaching, his horse got spooked, and horse and rider plunged into the sea. Through miraculous intervention, the horse and rider emerged from the water alive, covered in seashells.

The scallop shell also acts as a metaphor. The grooves in the shell, which meet at a single point, represent the various routes pilgrims traveled, eventually arriving at a single destination: the tomb of James in Santiago de Compostela. The shell is also a metaphor for the pilgrim: As the waves of the ocean wash scallop shells up onto the shores of Galicia, God's hand also guides the pilgrims to Santiago.

The scallop shell also served practical purposes for pilgrims on the Camino de Santiago. The shell was the right size for gathering water to drink or for eating out of as a makeshift bowl.

Personally, the romantic in me likes the second explanation better--who doesn't like a good love story?  However, the real reason is probably more simple than that: shells are ubiquitous on the coast of Northern Spain, and pilgrims used to pick them up and take them home as souvenirs of their travels.  Whatever the reason, I now have my own shell to mark me as a pilgrim, a Peregrina.

I took a shell I picked up from the coast of Denmark when I was an exchange student, added a pin to the back with superglue, and then added the St. James Cross with a red Sharpie.  Except for a mishap with the superglue, I'm pretty proud of this!

Notice the Santiago Cross, though...if you look at it, it looks a little like a stylized sword.  I was talking with a friend who let me borrow a statue of St. James, and because he was carrying a sword, I thought he might be a depiction of Santiago de Matamoros, or St. James the Moor Slayer.  However, my friend said that St. James is often depicted with a sword, since he was beheaded.  

This is my (newly clean) dresser.  I know the picture is a little dark, but I wanted to show the St. James statue where it is currently residing, and I just thought that having the candle lit made it pretty. :-) The other statue there is St. Rita of Cascia, my Patron saint.

When I looked up pictures of Santiago de Matamoros, I realized that this for sure wasn't a depiction of this...

This is Santiago de Matomoros: he is always on a horse that is trampling a Moor while wielding a sword.  This particular statue is on one of the buildings in Burgos, where I will begin my Camino.

In this day and age, seeing St. James depicted as a soldier who is in the process of brutally killing his enemy on the battlefield seems excessive, heinous, ugly...but St. James is the Patron of Spain, and when Spain was fighting for its life in the (about--I'm not sure of the exact dates...) 10th through the 12th centuries against the Moors, seeing St. James as fighting for them must have been very comforting.

And yet, isn't that what all of us are called to be: both pilgrims and soldiers?  Think about it--we here on earth are called the "Church Militant,"  because we are in a spiritual battle, and that means that we have to be willing to strap on our armor and get on with the battle.  Granted, that doesn't mean slaying actual people most of the time, but it does mean that we have to be willing to engage the enemy of our souls.  So, as I leave for pilgrimage (TOMORROW!!!), please pray for me, and don't stop praying.  We will battle together, even as I take this journey that God has placed my feet upon.  And so, as I set my feet on this path, let me leave you with a snippet from one of my favorite Tolkein Poems:

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.

The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

Blessings,

Ruth

Packed and Unpacking

Last night, I got help from one of my friends in order to pack my back-pack, and it feels a little weird to be able to say that I'm all packed for my trip next week.  Honestly, I don't know if I've EVER been packed this far in advance before, and I seriously doubt that it will ever happen again!  Final Tally for my backpack: 17.6 lbs, plus a fanny pack that weighs another 3.6 lbs.  It is more than I would have liked, but it includes my hiking boots and my walking poles, so I will actually be walking with less than that on my back.  I'm pretty proud of myself for that, even if it IS more weight than I really wanted to take with me.

Because I was going to my friend's house straight from work, I brought my gear with me...When my boss saw the fanny pack, his comment was that I would look like a dork wearing the fanny pack.  I actually agree with him, but don't know how else to keep tabs on my passport, etc.  I would rather look like a dork than worry about losing my passport!

The amazing thing is that I actually have extra room in my backpack (Unlike most trips, I didn't have to do this!)--This is good, since it means I will be able to do things like carry a little food while I am walking, as well as be able to fill my water bladder!

I'm also getting close to where I need to be for work, and as long as my professors cooperate, I will have everything in good shape for while I'm gone.  I still have some cleaning at home to do, as well as to do some purging so that I have a place for all of the stuff I plan to keep, but the plan is to do that on Saturday morning, especially since my niece will be waking me up at 6 AM in order to get a good start on the day before I bring my nephews to their football game in the afternoon.  Then, the Bishop is going to be at the vigil Mass on Saturday, so I want to go to that as well.  After that, the plan is to go dancing with my Niece, since she needs some time with me before I leave.  I'm not sure that I can shoehorn anything else into Saturday if I tried!!!

The cart is my weekend, and I am feeling a little bit like the Burro!

My brother and his wife is also coming into town this weekend, so I wouldn't mind visiting with him a little bit at some point...We have a family dinner planned for Monday, so that may be the first time I can see him, but we will see.  I'm not sure what else is planned at this point, so until I know, I can't plan much better than what I have.

It is only 7 days until I board a plane for Spain and I am beginning to get excited about my trip, although I am also dreading all of the things I still need to complete before I go.  As time accelerates, my To Do List seems to get longer rather than shorter--and this is in SPITE of actually finishing items on my list!  At the end of these 7 days, whether I finish everything on my list or not, I'm still heading toward the airport at 4 AM on August 29th, as well as  boarding the plane at 6 AM.

I am flying Delta, then AirFrance (Operated by Delta) to Madrid...Unfortunately, I have a 6 hour layover in Atlanta.

So, the physical stuff is getting taken care of, and my attention has been drifting toward the spiritual side of my pilgrimage lately.  It has been heading in that direction for a while, but the scripture passage that I feel like the Lord wants me to memorize has been steering me more in that direction...

As I mentioned in my last post, I will be memorizing Isaiah 54 while on my Camino, which is a bit of a difficult passage, since it could very well point to me having a vocation as a religious sister.  (see verse 5, for instance, or even the first verse, where it talks about the desolate one having more children than her who is married.)  I don't know for sure that I will be heading in that direction, but I feel like the Lord wants me to prepare for...SOMETHING...on this trip.  I have already been working on memorizing this passage a little bit, and the second verse points to preparation--for making room--for what God wants to give me:

Enlarge the place of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out; hold not back, lengthen your cords and strengthen your stakes. (emphasis mine)

So, I've been thinking about and working on UN-packing the clutter and baggage that I have in my spirit/emotions.  This isn't always easy, just as it isn't always easy to clean out our closets--most of us have that ONE outfit that, even though it doesn't fit right anymore, we keep, either because "I will be able to fit into it again one day." or "But I wore that outfit when..."  I think that we do this spiritually as well, and in the process, we don't have room for the blessings and lessons that God wants to give us.  Instead, we are too busy thinking, "Remember how much God blessed me way back when?"  or, "Why can't God bless me the way He did 3 years ago?!?"  Sometimes, we think more along the lines of, "I deserve to hold on to my anger at So-and-So because of what they did to me."  or "It is OK if I continue to do X.  It is only a little sin. God understands."  And, the next thing we know, our spiritual house looks more like that of a hoarder's house than as the Tabernacle of Worship that it is supposed to be.

Does your heart look like this?

Really, I have been working on this since my divorce, but the process has been accelerating of late--I can let go of things I never thought I would be able to, and in the process, I have found a source of peace and joy that I had forgotten was available.  I have been learning that both the Good and the Bad, when I hold on to it with inordinate attachment, can be just as cluttering as the other.  I learned back in High School that the Lord gives us blessings in order for us to bless others--when I hold on to them, my heart becomes a stagnant pool and I start to grow spiritual scum, or I start to accumulate things that I don't need anymore, like the picture above. I don't want to be like that, so I am learning to let go--in Catholic Parlance, it is being detached--not just from physical things, but from spiritual consolations as well.  How can the Lord do a new thing if I am clinging to the old?

I have a feeling that my Camino will make some things very clear to me, not just personally, but spiritually and professionally as well.  I'm excited to be walking this path, but I also know that I need to make room for God to move in my life.  So, in these last 7 days, I will continue the de-cluttering of my heart through prayer, confession, forgiveness, and extending a little grace to myself.  As I continue to prepare, please pray for me.

13 days!!!

I recently got a text from my sister, and my last piece of gear arrived in the mail today...I now have everything that I need for my Camino, and I'm beginning to get excited!

I am beginning to feel this way...I'm just glad I won't be walking in snow!

• I have also talked to my bank and let them know that I will be in Spain during that time so that they don't lock my debit card.  
• I have new epipens to take with me.  
• I have begun to make a list of things to complete before I leave, such as clean my bathroom and put everything that is chewable out of my dog's reach.
• I have been working on eating all of my perishables so that I don't leave anything to rot in the fridge.
• I'm slowly but surely working my way through all of my courses so that I can  (hopefully) complete all of them before I leave.
• I found a passage of scripture to memorize: Isaiah 54
• I have begun making a list of intentions to take with me to pray about while I am gone (If you have something specific you want me to be praying about, please email me about it).
• I bought catastrophic health insurance for while I am gone
• I have been working on my Spanish with co-workers
• I have been making a list of phrases that I'm going to ask one of my coworkers to translate for me.
• I will be renewing my lease at my residence first thing next week, since my current lease is up at the end of the month.
• I have been collecting pebbles from friends and coworkers to take with me, and will have a way to keep them together next Thursday!
• I will be seeing the chiropractor and my counselor one last time before I leave.

I'm also getting nervous...I'm beginning to worry about the following:

Typical sleeping arrangements in Alburgues--hence my worry about snoring...I am taking earplugs, but still!

• Is my sleeping bag warm enough?
• Will I have too much gear? not enough gear?
• Should I wear a non-hiking outfit on the plane, or one of my hiking outfits?
• Do I have enough money for my trip? (according to most calculators, I do--actually 2-3x what they estimate, but I'm still worried it won't be enough!)
• Should I take a travel pillow, or just plan on using my clothing as a pillow?
• Will I be able to find enough to eat while I am gone? (related to food allergies--most traditional walking food like bread or nuts is out for me....I suspect that I will be eating a lot of Tortilla!)
• Will I be able to find hot tea, or will I be stuck with coffee for the whole trip?  Should I pack some teabags with me?
• Will I have the stamina to walk 300 miles?
• Will I be the person who keeps everyone up with her snores?
• Will I be able to sleep with everyone else's snores?
• Should I take more than one pair of shoes beyond my hiking boots? If so which one?  My running shoes? My sandals?
• How important are shower shoes? (DestructoDog chewed my flip-flops up, so if I really need them, I will need to buy a pair).
• How likely will it be that I lose my backpack when I fly?  (I have insurance for this, but don't want to start my Camino by replacing all of my gear)
• Will I be able to find friends on my trip, or will my introvertedness and inner feelings of awkwardness get in the way (Most social situations make me feel like the awkward, geeky 13 year old that I was in middle school)?
• The litany of questions goes on and on....

I know that many of them will depend on how heavy my pack is once I put everything in it.  I'd really like to be lighter than 15 lbs, but anything under 20 is acceptable.  Also, many of my questions are questions that I will just need to leave up to the Lord.  Even so, I am spending more and more of my time contemplating these questions instead of focusing on the preparations at hand.  I hate to say it, but I think my brain checked out on Camino about a week ago, even though my body is still firmly in the United States.  

To get my Compostela, I have to walk from Sarria on, no matter what.

It is too late to do so at this point, but the one thing I regret is not ordering a patch from the Camino Forum I am a part of.  It would have been nice to have added that to my pack.  Even so, I will be buying a shell as soon as I arrive in Burgos to attach to my pack.  Once I arrive in Santiago de Compostela, I plan to find and buy a small silver shell with the St. James cross on it to add to the necklace that I wear every day.  I'm not sure what I will be getting friends and family members as souvenirs from my trip yet, but I know for sure that I want this particular souvenir for myself.  

In the meantime, I need to get back to work...Focus, Ruth, Focus!!! You have to get your work done!!!

Humility and Gratitude

A friend of mine posted a blog post on her Facebook page, which talks about 17 signs of a lack humility in our lives.  This post struck me, as I show so many of these signs, maybe not consistently, but often enough to feel the ouch that comes from seeing your faults in the mirror of Christ....One COULD argue that the fact that I write a blog points to a lack of humility in and of itself!

Since I saw this list, I have been thinking about the list itself, but something else has struck me about humility--it seems to me that there is a relationship between humility and gratitude.  In fact, I'm not sure that we can be grateful for the blessings in our lives unless we at least have a little bit of humility.  When we are not humble, we tend to take the gifts in our lives for granted, or even have a sense of entitlement for these things.  As I think about the gifts that I have been given, in family, friends, and the many other gifts that my life has been inundated with, I know that I'm not grateful enough for those gifts in my life.  But, as I have been ruminating and praying about my lack of gratitude, I keep coming back to the above list, and I am inclined to believe that I don't have a gratitude problem, but a humility problem.

So often, I think more about what I can do, and what I need, and what I want to say to people.  Even as I write this, I must admit that I was thinking about this post as I listened to the homilies in no less than 2 Masses this past week.  And, there, of all places, we should be focused on thankfulness rather than anything else--heck, Eucharist is Greek for thanksgiving!  I mean, when we go to Mass, Christ is making Himself physically present in the Accidents of Bread and Wine, and what greater miracle is that?!?!  And, instead of focusing on the weightiness of partaking of Christ's Body and Blood, I'm thinking about a blog post.

I'm not QUITE ready to start praying for humility yet, though, even if I should be.  It is one of those virtues that, when we pray for it, comes at a great cost.  Patience is another one of those virtues--I spent most of my high school years praying for patience, in spite of the fact that scripture says, "Tribulation worketh patience" (sorry about the KJV--that was my Dad's go-to scripture translation, so many of the verses I memorized as a kid are from the King James Version).  At some point, when those tribulations started piling up in my life, I figured that I didn't need to pray for patience anymore....so, while I could probably use quite a bit of humility (and patience, for that matter!), I'm not at a place where I'm willing to pray for it for myself: my fertile imagination conjures up some pretty scary scenarios for how God could teach me said humility, and frankly, they scare me!!!

It is one of those things that makes me envy all of my mom friends....there is something about being entrusted with another human being that is innately humbling, and it isn't something that I have in my life to wear off those rough edges.  Instead, it is up to me to work on those rough edges through other relationships, and the process isn't always so straightforward.  Honestly, this is why I think I have so many friends right now that can whup my butt at Words with Friends.  It is a small way for the Lord to humble me!  It is also up to me to consciously work toward humility, sometimes by humbling myself, and sometimes by being aware of those times when I am not acting with humility in order to change my behavior.

I don't know who said it, but I vaguely remember reading a quote by a saint recently that basically said true humility is knowing ourselves so completely that we have neither too lofty a view of ourselves, nor a too lowly view of ourselves--we are aware of who we are to the extent that we can see who we are and where we stand in relation to others.  That is what I want, and I hope that the Lord does this for me, in spite of the fact that I'm not yet willing to pray for it.